To think MIL should come to DSs 3rd birthday, especially after missing the last 2 ?

[LadyOfWaffle]

MIL has made excuses the past 2 years and now we have planned a party for 1)tomorrow - his birthday, 2) Sunday because MIL "had to work late" (she didn't know when to though ) & it was going to be nicer weather then 3) Saturday to accommodate MIL not being able to make Sunday (busy) to be told infact she is busy all weekend with her boyfriend (ish ie. not serious). I am so so so pissed off right now I could cry - infact I have cried because it''s just not fucking fair She lives near and would be getting ferried around by DH anyway (though she gets herself to her boyfriend)

It would be nice if she was able to come but I think YABU to expect her to. Sounds like she has a busy life, is still working etc.

What's she like generally about seeing her grand child(ren)

Well, I think it's clear that she's not bothered about coming. Next year I'd just plan to do whatever suited us and leave her out of it completely. Some people are just not that bothered about birthdays (other people's ones anyway) and you won't change her. All you can do is not let her inconvenience you.

very strange that she wouldn't come. Can you say "it would mean a lot to us if you came" and see what she says?

she should but she is clearly not interested and you can;t make her be interested, if she puts her boyfriend before her grandchildren, then you can;t change that.

not worth crying about, it is her loss.

Why should she Lulumama?

She didn't chose to have a grandchild. It would be nice if she did as it means a lot to the OP but maybe she doesn't know and like Stealth said, let her know that.

Why plan around your MIL? Tell her when the party is and invite her. If she can't/won't come, so what?

YANBU to expect her to tell you if she is coming or not, then not to keep changing her plans when you are trying to accommodate her! If you were upset at her not coming to your pre-arranged do, then that is one thing, but her behaviour sounds really rude and thoughtless to me, and I think you are completely justified. Poor you - it really is very upsetting when you want to nourish a close and caring family and people can not be bothered to make an effort.

I definitely agree - from now on I reckon you need to protect your own feelings (and your son's) and maybe try to encourage your MIL to be included a bit, but don't actually expect anything.

i think it is only irritating because you have faffed around trying to accomodate her. you'll know better next time.

and tbh - 3 year olds parties? - shudder - rather give them a miss myself and i'm still in the thick of mum mode.

I know I should be "her loss" but I'm quite sensitive

She never has visited us, we go to her and wouldn't ever ask us to come so she isn't very intrested day to day either.

We went the other evening though and she was upset her boyfriend wanted to cool it off and have a (more) open relationship and told DH she had nothing, or words to that effect so we have stepped up a gear making sure we visit if we go so much as vaguely near her house to be dropped like a hot potato when he is around. We were even going to do the party there if it helped. I could understand even if it was THE only day/few hours she could see him, but she could have spared DS an hour or so over the whole weekend, inc. Friday. I am just so hurt DS comes a poor second to her fella

why should she? becasue it is usual and expected for grandmothers to be interested in their grandchildren?

There are so many threads on here where people want their rellies to conform to some kind of unrealistic cornflake advert idea of how families should behave and then are devastated when they don't.

not saying this is you specifically op, btw, but maybe she is a bit useless and disinterested at the moment and not wildy into little kids, but will turn out to be brilliant when they are in their teens, or whatever.

There are so many threads on here where people want their rellies to conform to some kind of unrealistic cornflake advert idea of how families should behave and then are devastated when they don't.

not saying this is you specifically op, btw, but maybe she is a bit useless and disinterested at the moment and not wildy into little kids, but will turn out to be brilliant when they are in their teens, or whatever.

I think the OP has issues with her mother in law's Boyfriend, if not then the OP's Husband has.

Grandparents shouldn't be expected to forgo their own lives and make their grandchildren the centre of their lives and people shouldn't expect them to.

She's an adult (The MIL) and if she's making mistakes in her personal life then they are her mistakes to make.

Her bloke may be a bit crap (by the sounds of it) but you need to respect that she obviously values/wants/needs that relationship.

Well, I wouldn't mind so much if she didn't moan about her lack of a life/loneliness when things cool off with her fella. It wasn't even a party party, it was just a family party with err... just my mum & sister now.

I don't think it's unreasonable to be disappointed that she isn't making much of an effort to be there, especially as you have rearranged the party around her schedule twice.

Also, does her 3 year old understand that Grandma is making mistakes and he has to let her make them? The party was planned around the Grandma attending and If the DS knew she was coming then it is unfair of the Grandma to put her needs before those of a 3 year old who may be upset that Grandma wasn't there. I know not all 3 year olds would notice but some would. Also she may not have time to be Grandma, but that shouldn't stop her from being polite.

YABU, I would feel upset too. In future, i would follow the advice already given and don't invite her or make special arrangements to suit.