To think that I shouldn't have to pay this bill?

[SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore]

I ordered some stuff on DH's next account and agreed to pay the bill. Which I mainly have been, but due to the fact that he rarely contributes towards the upbringing of his child, or the house he lives in, I am often a bit skint. Anyway we now owe £90 to Next.

I recently got a puppy instead of paying the bill but told DH that he could keep the insurance cheques of my terrier for vets bills I had paid and in the meantime he could take the money out of his savings account to replace when the cheques come. He didn't. The money is still in the account, he has already had one of the cheques and is planning to pay his credit card bill with it .

He asked me again to pay the bill, but then took my debit card to buy his nephew a £60 birthday present. I agreed it was okay, if instead of paying me back he paid £60 off the bill and I'd pay the other £30 then set up a dd so I don't fall behind again. He didn't pay it. Or give me back the £60.

He now wants me to use my savings to pay the Next bill. I don't want to, I will pay any future bills but I think he should pay this one as agreed.

The background is he lives in my house rent free and always has done. He rarely contributes to food. He gives me no housekeeping or no money for dd2, who is his child. He rarely buys her anything and all her clothes, food, nappies are bought by me.

His defence is I have paid nothing towards getting his house renovated I have no intentions of moving into this house.

He paid my mobile phone bill. True, but it is a joint account that I have paid the full bill for, for the last three months. He paid NTL, true but he did that because he wanted the internet connnecting again. I didn't ask him to pay it and was disputing the bill with them.

Reality I know. I am so fed up things right now I don't think I could manage another few weeks.

He is getting considerably worse as his nehpew gets worse, I understand he is upset and worried, but so are me and dd1 and we are not going around sulking and behaving aggressively to anyone who dares get into our path.

Dd1 told me the other night that she thinks he hates her and her sister, because all he does when I am at work is shout and say "I can't cope with you. I can't cope with you"

I think you are trying to avoid addressing the real issues here.

Sorry, x-posted with your last post. Going to the GP sounds like a great idea. But why 'have a talk about moving out'. You need to TELL him to move out. And get your Dad around as back up if necessary.

Yeah....must admit, the more I read, the more I'm coming around to 'Get rid NOW' thinking.

Pack his stuff and have it ready. When he comes home, tell him he's not coming in - you're through - end of. Have back-up with you, so he doesn't force or blagg his way back in. It's OVER.

LadyGlencora, Dh is horrified of my dad despite the fact that if he exterted as much energy as it would take to shout he would probably keel over of a heart attack. He would however 'send the boys round'. He is not a nice man and I don't want to get him too involved in this, because of that. Plus DH seems to have his suppport on this one .

My sister however is a force to be reckoned with. I can call on her if I need back up. And you are right I need to tell him not ask him.

God everything sounds so pathetic about me doesn't it? I can hardly believe that I same girl who @ 14 y o stopped her father beating her mother and vowed to never be with a man ever, let alone an abusive one. I am onto abusive man number two now, number one being dd1's father. I can't believe I have let myself turn out this way.

I feel so dissapointed in myself. I used to be so strong and happy. I hardly recognise myself now.

Dh of course tries to convince me that he is not bullying or abusive. And that deserving of his behavior because of my failings as a mother and wife. I even think he believes himself most of the time. But a time needs to come where I stop believing it and doubting myself.

You ARE a strong woman. You are just misusing your strength at the moment, you are using it to help you put up with all this shit, when you should be using it to find a way out.
It's not your fault that this guy is a complete asshole. You know it's him, not you that is at fault here, and I bet he knows it too. However, he is not going to acknowledge it and you don't need to wait for him or anyone else to acknowledge it before you end the relationship. YOU call the shots now, not him.
Make yourself a plan and get your sister to back you up. Kicking him out is NOT an admission of failure, it's an affirmation of the fact that you deserve better. And you do.

Okay here is my plan. I am going to tell him tonight, once the children are in bed that his behavior is getting worse and I longer feel I am in a position to put up with it. He needs to leave, he should also see a gp for his own sake and that of sister who is going to need him to cope, which he clearly isn't coping right now.

I can't ask him to leave in front of the children though, so he can move on Saturday and I will take the dds out for the day. I am at work on sat night and my sister also works, so I will arrange for my nan or friend to have the dds overnight while I work.

I don't think I'll need my sister. But I will get her to come around on saturday night after work incase he turns up drunk and sorry for himself, he is not violent but he would turn up all sorry for himself and pleading and promising changes and if history is anything to go by I will end up believing him, he will change and make an effort for a week or less and then things will return to normal.

Will be thinking of you lots Seashells.

Seashells, why don't you get your mum to have the dd's during the day so you can make sure he doesn't take anything that isn't his? Get your sister around to back you up, as he may try to persuade you otherwise.

Just wondering if he is the father of either of your children? How will this affect them (whether he is or isn't?)

She will be at work, I don't really care what he takes so long as he leaves. I don't think he will take much anyway, he will go to his mums and she can't tolerate him having clutter.

He is dd2's father. I would never stop him seeing either of the children. Dd1 has known him as her father since she was ten months. I would hope that he would want to continue a relationship with her aswell as dd2.

dd2 is only 21 months so a bit young to understand what is going on. Dd1 will be devasated. She so desperately wants us to stay together and move into his house 'like a proper family', but surely in the long run it would be better for her to be away from all the arguing and tears?

See I am starting to doubt myself already. He is a father, I cannot decide whether he is a good one or not. He shouts a lot at the children. Often over small things. But they seem to adore him.

Children often adore a person who doesn't treat them right in they hope they (the person) will like them and therefore treat them better.

Glad you are getting rid of this waste of space. Have you warned your sister? Just thinking it would be a good idea to have her on standby, as it were, in case things get nasty.

Sounds to me like he needs to spend a bit of time on his own without you and the kids and sort himself out! Maybe he will realise what he has been like and that he has taken you all for granted. Sometimes people can change - not saying he definitely will. But I do think you need to separate - even if it's only temporary.

Had to stick my oar in here - my DP and I used to fight about money all the time. In fact RIMOD called him a cocklodger too! And at the time, she had a point.

Happily we've now grown up and got a joint account which we both pay £ in to, and use to pay for all things that are joint (house/baby/travel). We also have separate accounts because we are both running businesses. All we have to agree on is whether something is joint or not and even we haven't managed to argue about that .

I know this won't help if the problems are in the relationship but all I can say is write down every tiny thing you spend and then you know that in case of an argument you can prove your point. If your money is completely separate, ask your Dad to put a figure on the work he does and put it down as your contribution. Take the £ issue out of your relationship and then you will be able to see what's left.

Why would he pay the mortgage on another flat? Can he not get tenants?

You have my absolutely sympathy and I really hope you get it sorted. Unfortunately attitudes to money are very deeply ingrained and fully-formed way before we get involved.

Oops I just saw the rest of the thread and remember the story. Fully agree with what everyone says - time for some time out. Good luck you sound like a lovely person so better times will surely come your way

There was a great thread on here a while ago from a woman with a ghastly cocklodger who wouldn't leave when she asked him to. She called the police and had him physically chucked out of her house. It can be done, Seashells. You owe him nothing and the minute he's out of the house and the locks are changed, you will start to feel better.

Good luck, sounds like you are doing the right thing x

AH, I see the conversation has moved on. We've had a few threads about this now, haven't we? Good luck for this weekend.

(my original comment was going to be 'instead of paying the bill you bought a puppy?! ' but I guess that's not really relevant now)

If you don't dump him, tell him you need to have a money conversation because the Next bill needs sorting out, then write all your outgoings down one side (nephew's present, etc) and his down the other (Next bill), add up the total expenditure of you both, divide by two, and then tell him how much he owes you.

And then totally separate your finances. No lending, no borrowing of cards. If you can't trust him with money there's no use behaving as though you can.

good luck

How are you doing seashells?