To feel as though I hate dp (may contain ranting)

[Comewhinewithme]

I could namechange but can not be bothered .

He is a dick and I hate him .

He is so so selfish everything is about him .

He has been in a pissy mood for about a month now he has this grass is always greener mentality so according to him life at the moment is boring and rubbish .

So sleep is very precious to him ok I understand ...but dd has been ill since sunday I have been up and down with her Sunday and Monday night by Tuesday I could hardly stand up I was so tired so he kindly offered to look after her of she woke up ill .
What happened was she threw a tantrum cue dp telling her off and her getting more distressed and her ending up in my bed listening to Daddy snore .
Last night she got a lot worse and I woke up at 2.30 and she sounded very ruttly I woke up dp because I was worried he laid there I thought he was listening to her and then I heard him snoring so I told him he was pathetic .
He jumped up told me to fuck off and get out of his life and he was going downstairs and off he went and got on the sofa ranting all the time about what a bitch I was and how I had ruined his life .
I ended up downstairs with dd and got her settled on the sofa and told him very calmly tp go back to bed he then said I was fat and ugly (I am a size 12 BTW) I looked a mess he didn't love me and then said that was the worse mistake I ever made when I asked what he said "That thing growing in you you should have had an abortion or better still get it adopted ".
I didn't shout or cry because I didn't want dd to wake up but I told him he could leave and he just smirked and said I wouldn't cope then he went to bed.

This morning me and dd have been to drs and she has a chest infection .
Dp is as usual saying sorry and that he is stupid and silly . I just told him to go to work where btw he will be dressing up tomorrow to raise funds for the NSPCC what a fucking joke . He is also known at work as one of the most friendly members of staff and one person who he works with told me you can always rely on him to cheer you up or help you out .

I am so fed up .

Please excuse any typos I have basically been awake for a week .

You are the same as me with using MN

I always thought it wasnt normal but something i would have to put up with, or that maybe it was me, as every bloke i've been out with seems to be the same.

Now, not only do i know it isn't normal, and not my fault, and the support i have had is incredible, and made me realise i had to do something to change the pattern of shit being slung at me.

Dp thinks i'm having an affair, he has admitted, because my attitude changed so much and the 'balance of power' in our relationship has shifted to the extent he thought i had someone else because i have stood up to him, and not been bothered if he leaves or not

Has been a big shock to his system lol
And opened my eyes to what i was putting my children through

If you don't do it for you, be it sling him out or stand up to him, do it for your kids if not for you.
Claim back the self respect he has taken from you.

"Stupid and silly" is having a whinge when asked to get up in the night, and muttering petulantly about having to go to work in the morning / etc - something I am sure couple with children is familiar with. It does not adequately describe the things he said to you, which were vile. By putting it like that, he is trivialising it, and trying to make you seem unreasonable, as if you are overreacting. I have seen this exact situation in the lives of many people close to me.

You would cope fine without him, no matter what he says.

Right dd has fell asleep I have just played the same curious George game online with her about 30 times [sigh].

He has in the past told me I am a control freak but I don't see how this works because he controls me with his temper I will do anything to stop his ranting I really don't want my dc to be involved in it.

I do not understand how one man can be so selfish I just want to feel special in these last few weeks of pg but instead he tells me he won't be coming to the birth .

But when the baby is born he will be accepting congratulations and acting the big man .

I just don't see how I can throw him out now at this stage of the pg and no rl support . Noone in rl knows what things are like my dsis knows some of it but nothing like this and she has two small dc of her own so I can not rely on her .
I have no financial support of my own and everything goes into his account (he dosen't withhold money or anything just wages and tax credits are in his name ) .
I feel as though I am trapped just wish I knew why he was doing this .

What a c**t. Hope someone has some good advice for you

I am on my own and tbh the most upsetting and miserable times through my pg have involved my exp dp. You actually might find getting him out and regaining control could be liberating for you in the long run.
Is there somewhere he could go for a week or so? Give you both some space and time to think properly...might also shake him up a bit?

He calls YOU a control freak because

He knows what he is doing is wrong and how GOOD is he at projecting that onto you..throwing the ball back in your court face so to speak

And

You are a control freak if you DARE ask a bloke to treat you how you should be treated

MY DP called ME a control freak once..because i put up and put up until i snapped, then slung the whole lot at him re his bad behaviour..so that makes me a CF apparently I think NOT...

I said yeah, i'm a control freak..i'm taking the freaking control back, now piss off.
And he did. Now we are on a seperation and boy is regretting that comment because he is paying for it every time he gives me crap.. because i'm a CF, according to him, i have every right to control what he says to me re nasty names ect..and control when he gets chucked out after visiting DS.

for you having to put up with this in the last few weeks of your PG.. even i didn't get this crap tbh and mine is the worst of the worst.\

I really don't know what to say.. except only YOU can stop him talking to you like this, he isn't going to wake up one day and realise, the more you let him get away with, the more he will do it, thats the only thing i know for certain. Pull the power back..get angry.. realise you hate his guts and he is treating you like shit, then say 'no more!' and crack back at him when he gives you crap..it is very tiring though, you may just decide you are better off out of it then fighting your corner.

reality, you would think that would be the case wouldnt you re the tax credits. I wanted to have the tax credits in my name - just for convenience sake, but because im not the one who is working they can't go into my account. I could have a small part of it, but not the working tax credits - so it goes into DPs.

Your DP sounds horrible OP. I think he should be sent on his bike and believe me, i dont say that very often, i get flamed alot for trying to see the other side of the arguments. But quite frankly, he needs to grow the fuck up - so what if he feels trapped and frustrated - welcome to parenthood!

Last year I rang the tax credits after one of his rants . I explained to the person on the other end that I wanted the tax credits putting in my name and account and he basically told me to think very carefully because it was very likely that the claim would be stopped and I would have to reapply as a single parent .
TBH at this moment in time I don't want all the crap of applying and waiting for lone parent benefits and housing benefit I saw my dsis wait for months and months for her claim to be sorted and then she almost got eveicted because housing benefit took so long to sort .
The only thing I can think to do is bide my time sort out my options and get finances sorted also to get some savings I can easily put money away he is in no way mean or questioning with cash .
As I said I can not turn to my parents they are useless the only other thing I can think of is very extreme my Godmother who I am very close to lives in NZ she has offered loads of times to pay for us to go out there at least if I went there for a break (after the baby is born of course) I can't crumble and give into him . But that is a big step will they let one adult take six kids on a plane ? It would take a lot of planning but I know it is an option albeit a final straw option .

No..the OP's DH has to give his permission for tax credits to be paid to the OP.. My DP had to agree to transfer the payments to his sisters bank account.

Sorry, should have said, if he leaves, you can apply in your own name as a single parent.

You would probably be better off lol

You would be better off without him in every respect. Have a look at the Women's Aid website for good advice and help. Yes I know you haven't said your partner hits you but he sounds verbally abusive, selfish and basically worthless. So you will need the info on getting rid of him and surviving on your own.
Best of luck.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this and feel so upset for you. He sounds like an emotionally abusive prize prick and I hate men who think domestic violence is acceptable!

I don't have anything more to add than what has already been said. All of the advice on this thread has been brilliant. You have a lot of good support here. You can do this on your own and you will be so much happier in the long run

For the sake of your sanity and your childrens happiness show him the door!

I'll be thinking of you x

CWWM, it doesn't take that long to get benefits sorted. Yes it is stressful but once in place you don't have to think about it anymore. You sound a bit depressed to me. I was the same as you unable to think about practicalities because I was just working too hard to look after dc and even manage just to survive on a day to day basis. I couldn't even think about adding more pressure to the mix. Initially it is more pressure as you apply and wait for benefits etc but once there thats it.

Good idea to get some money saved to tide you over. If you want to split do that and then as soon as you have enough immediately apply for benefits. He sounds like my ex who was and is an abusive wanker. Have a look in relationships at this thread here

CWWM - my goodness my lovely, i have only just read this. What horrid, nasty things he said to you about your baby . You dont need a man like this, you know that though i think.

Re NZ, yes they will let you, you are their mother. What ages are the children? Does he have parental responsibilty? (named on birth certificates after Dec 2003)

Single parent benefits will get sorted fairly quickly for you im sure; if they dont you should apply for crisis loan or get in touch with a fmaily supprt worker to help you. At my childrens centr they have drop in sessions for benefit advice; maybe you could see if there is something like that nearby?

I think if you dont want to be with him, him being in the house will do you no good. You must look afte yourself and your little bump. You're not fat or ugly; he is ugly, in and out.

Basically, just some love for you. xx

What a total loser he sounds - he may well be all things to all men at work - but to you and yours at home he is a dick

No amount of sorry would make me keep him after demanding abortions/adoptions and telling me I was fat and a mess and he didn't love me.

Sorry but some things can't be unsaid.

You sound like a strong woman - you could easily do this on your own without him bitching in your ear all the time

He sounds like a prize dick, end of!

Poor him he is tired, aw my heart bleeds, he should try being you for ! day then he would know what tired is!

Feel so sorry for you, sending you love and hugs!

Try to stay strong, dont let the asshole get the better of you.

xxx

Thankyouyone everyone for advice .
I had another bad night although dd slept through and is much better . I think I may be coming down with a cold or just rundown after the week from hell.

Hi scorpio he is on all the dc birth certificates there ages are 11 to 3 .

He came home last night and I kept everything normal we had visitors too so of course he had to be the centre of attention .

When all the dc were asleep he tried chatting away as normal I told him I was disgusted with him and that I wanted some space as I was starting to see a few things I even tried the control freak line someone posted on this thread of course it all backfired on me because at 3am this morning he started ranting and raving which meant I had to beg him to shut up I got all the abuse about been fat oh and I make his skin crawl too .
He walked out at 4am and it was lovely so peaceful and calm of course he came back and I had to let him in because he kept knocking and the dog was barking like a loon. He then tried to get in bed and cuddle me he was soon on the sofa.

He has not gone to work he rang them this morning and has started his holidays (due to start tomorrow a day early) he keeps saying sorry I don't want to talk to him he went shopping and bought some flowers I gave them to dd and told her Daddy had got her a get well soon present .
I have told him again I want us to have some time apart and he said we need to talk and he is feeling stressed but I really think what he has done this time has crossed a line I don't want to be a doormat I am constantly thinking about how nice it would be just me and the dc I am not fooling myself it would be hard but it would be calm and peaceful (at night ) .
Anyway I have a lot of thinking to do he has gone to pick up the three older girls and take them out for tea (ds is on a sleepover and dd4 is asleep here) I am going to think about things over the weekend I don't want loads of drama this weekend it id dds 6th birthday on Sunday .
I have also told my sister the full story and she is supporting me 100% I have told him that she knows too and he didn't like it one bit .

Sorry that post is a bit all over the place .

Scorpio I will look into the advice on offer at the childrens centre the school has one attached to it so I can easily get to it .

Just try to be strong and not let flowers and sorry's make it all alright. Ultimately he will try to manipulate you and your vulnerabilty right now....you have the MN's behind you so never forget that! x

YANBU - he is an arse hole, and a looser. How dare he say that to you when you are so pregnant and looking after his child. He sounds like a lazy pig...

You have taken a very brave step in the right direction. Stay strong and don't be manipulated. You've got him on a back foot now and he's beginning to see the consequences of his actions. Please do not give in to him no matter how he twists it!

Good luck. We are all behind you 100% too x

You've done the right thing telling your sister, RL support will be a big help for you.

Good luck x

You're not married though, are you? If he is named on a childs birth certificate since or including Dec 2003 then he has parental responsibility for that/those children, not the ones before, just you do.

I am just talking about this incase you do go to NZ; he could stop you through the courts if he has PR.

Its good that you can use the childrens centre easily; they help rest your mind a bit too