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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my close friend to make a teeny effort to come to my 40th party..?

26 replies

paolosgirl · 26/03/2009 11:22

OK, yes, I probably am, but it's bugged me enormously. Invitations sent out over 6 weeks ago for my 40th - a biggish do, 80's disco, lot of expense and for someone who is not normally an extrovert it's a big deal.

When I told my friend I was thinking of having the party she thought it was a great idea and was full of enthusiasm. Invitations were sent out, and she then said that she didn't think they could make it as they couldn't get a babysitter. She wasn't prepared to ask her FIL who looks after their youngest (2.5) one day a week while she works 'in case' she woke up.

Apparently she couldn't come on her own as she would feel like a spare part (despite the fact that other girlfriends whom she knows are coming on their own) and if she and her dh did come they would be on tenterhooks all night 'in case' they got a phone call from FIL to say that the youngest was crying, and in which case they would have to leave early.

Firstly - it's a 5 minute walk from the venue to their home, so her dh could be back in no time to settle the child and then come back to the party, and secondly, it's all a case of maybe and if. She's 'gutted' they can't make it apparently, but not so gutted that in 6 weeks she couldn't have asked another friend to babysit, and also not so gutted that she couldn't have offered to babysit my 3 (I'm paying a local teenager instead) or indeed help me with any of the preparations instead.

OK - be gentle with me! AIBU to be a little bit peed off?

OP posts:
neolara · 26/03/2009 11:26

Sounds odd. Are you sure there isn't anything else going on. If not, then I don't think you are being particularly unreasonable at all to be annoyed.

rempy · 26/03/2009 11:28

Erm, well. The "just get on with it" part of me says no, YANBU to be peed off with her.

But since I've had children part of me has become much more anxious, underconfident socially, and sort of inert when required to take action to actually do something I might enjoy says YABU. Sometimes the worry, and sense of imposing on others is paralysing.

She perhaps thought 6 weeks ago that she would build up to it, have lots of time to sort some childcare out. But she's put it to the back of her mind, and now its "suddenly" upon her, she hasn't waxed, doesn't have anything to wear, and feels that her daughter will be unduly upset if someone else tends to her at night.

Original poster
paolosgirl · 26/03/2009 11:29

No, nothing else. I look after their eldest child who is a friend of my daughter one day after school each week, and she's always very keen for us to meet up with our youngest DC's who are the same age.

OP posts:
BecauseImWorthIt · 26/03/2009 11:30

YANBU. I'd be angry and upset. In fact I'm angry and upset on your behalf

Threadworm · 26/03/2009 11:31

Perhaps she doesn't enjoy parties much, or is shy. When the event was six weeks in the future it was far enough away to sound maneagable, but as it came closer she was filled with dread? That's how I might feel.

Not sure why she should offer to babysit when you have a sitter, or why she should help with your party preparations.

Original poster
paolosgirl · 26/03/2009 11:31

I know rempy - I'm organising this party which has been a huge strain on me, to the point that I wish I hadn't done it. Other friends have been fab at bolstering my confidence and keeping me going - she just decided 4 weeks ago that she wasn't even going to ask the FIL, end of story. She knows how anxious I've been about this - I would have really appreciated some help and support, and her presence.

OP posts:
Original poster
paolosgirl · 26/03/2009 11:32

Oh - and she is not shy at all!

OP posts:
Threadworm · 26/03/2009 11:33

Ah, right. Sounds like she is a bit unreasonable then.

shouldbeironing · 26/03/2009 11:35

YANBU at all. If it is only 5 minutes away she could come on her own (leaving DH to babysit) even if only for a part of the time.

edam · 26/03/2009 11:36

Sounds very unkind. Unless she's got some sort of social anxiety, but you would know about that already.

A couple of friends couldn't make my (surprise) 40th birthday lunch. I wasn't offended but then, they had GOOD reasons.

rempy · 26/03/2009 11:37

Mmmm, OK, you have convinced me to come down on YANBU.

Is she coming up to 40 too? Perhaps she's dreading that? (Clutching at straws).

I guess you have to decide how big an issue this is going to be after the party...

Doodle2U · 26/03/2009 11:37

There'll be more to this than you know about.

Original poster
paolosgirl · 26/03/2009 11:38

Absolutely, edam. I've got other friends who are not able to make it for good reasons, but this just sounds to me as if she can't really be bothered. I'm tempted to ask what happens when her youngest cries when she's being looked after during the week by the FIL - I know my friend doesn't leave work to come home then.

OP posts:
BibiThree · 26/03/2009 11:39

Paolosgirl, almost the same thing happened to me at my 30th birthday party in January and fwiw, I don't think you are being unreasonable. Neither my oldest friend, nor my best friend came to mine.

I've known my oldest friend since we were 3, went right through school with him, right through Uni with him and we've been very close all our lives. He said he was coming, it was only 20 mins away, I was putting on a minibus and everything so there would have been no inconvenience. A few days before he came up with a totally pathetic and completely fabricated and complicated lie as to why he coudln't come ... which I know for a fact to be a a complete lie. That hurt.

My best friend had a 8week old baby, so that was understandable, but up until the week before she was definitely coming, couldn't wait, wouldn't miss it for the world, wold bring him if they couldn't get a sitter etc. Then at the last minute decided her parents couldn't look after her ds, that her dh coudln't stay home to "babysit" him on his own (I mean, he is only the baby's father of all!) and the couldn't bring him as it would be strange for him to sleep in a new place. (They were meant to be having our house for the night btw, fully baby equipped, while we had a night in a hotel).

It's not important now, the people who did come ensured I had the best night ever, but it does hurt a bit doesn't it?

Sorry I rambled on a bit there, I clearly still ahve ishoos about this

Baconsarnie · 26/03/2009 11:40

YANBU. But I would ask her why she can't just come by herself. It's not as if she won't know other people there. It really irritates me when people won't come to social events without their partners. You're not joined at the hip, you know!

SobranieCocktail · 26/03/2009 11:41

I think the clue is in the words "80s disco". I'm currently trying to come up with a feasible excuse for avoiding a similar do.

ForeverOptimistic · 26/03/2009 11:42

YANBU, but I try to get of out of parties/discos as they are not my idea of fun.

Lizzylou · 26/03/2009 11:43

Is it Fancy Dress?
Perhaps she didn't want to wear a ra-ra skirt?

LadyBee · 26/03/2009 11:46

Can you have a sympathetic 'look, I'm not going to pretend I'm not a bit upset that you aren't coming' conversation with her? Let her know how much you were looking forward to her coming - she might not be thinking that her presence means that much to anyone, and being made to feel a bit special herself could encourage her along. Also, could you say something like 'come without DP then, X and Y are coming by themselves and you deserve a bit of a girls night out, it's been ages since you had some time off, let DP stay home and look after...' etc.

Original poster
paolosgirl · 26/03/2009 11:46

Firstly, she was full of enthusiasm when I mentioned (prior to even organising it) the disco and said that she thought it was great idea - to the extent that she and her dh had planned their outfits. Secondly, in my book, you go to your friends' birthday events, regardless of what they are (well, orgies and gansta rap nights excepted!) Close friends are only 40 once.

OP posts:
Original poster
paolosgirl · 26/03/2009 11:48

I tried suggesting she came on her own, LadyBee, as other friends whom she knows are also coming on their own, but she wasn't interested as she said she would feel like a spare part

OP posts:
mazzystartled · 26/03/2009 11:49

ok, maybe the fil is being an awkward bugger
maybe their dd - like mine is liable to wake up shrieking and be inconsolable or maybe her dh is being a miesery about it - all that - i dunno, whatever.

yanbu. but don't let it fester. i would speak to her about it and tell her how you feel. gently and kindly because there might be something going on. what you said in your opening paragraph should do it.

have a wonderful party. she is the one that will be missing out.

(caveat. unless it's fancy dress. then that is the reason)

Lizzylou · 26/03/2009 11:54

Yanbu, I do think that there has to be more to this than meets the eye, has she put on weight recently? Maybe she feels horrible in her outfit?

Really clutching at straws here, I know.

Original poster
paolosgirl · 26/03/2009 11:58

Mazzy - you're not my dh are you?! He said the same thing, and warned me off posting about it on MN

I know - I shouldn't let it fester. I look after their eldest one day after school so she doesn't have to pay for childcare that day - the meanie part of me is saying they can forget that in future! I'm such a wimp - I'll not say anything and it will eat away, and I'll end up with (completely understandable IMO) ishoos like Bibithree

OP posts:
JemL · 26/03/2009 13:15

If her youngest was a very small baby I could understand it, but at 2.5 and 5 mins from her house - no way. Do they NEVER go out in the evening?

I would want to spitefully take revenge too, but I thing might have to settle for simmering, unless you address it with her...I have my own issues on that score, being still eaten up with resentment that my best friend expected me to travel 80 miles and spend £150 on a weekend away to celebrate her birthday, but wouldn't come to my DS's birthday party because she would have to get a bus.

Anyway, YANBU!!