To find my mums constant interfering increasingly annoying

[mykidsmyway]

I've name changed. Where do I start and how do I put this without sounding totally ungrateful? That is certainly not my intention. I am a sahm and have 2 children aged 3.6 and 16 months. Until ds1 was 2.10 and ds2 was 8 months my mum worked full time and hardly ever saw my children during the week but we went round most saturdays as dh works most saturdays but has days off during the week.

I don't drive but managed to getout and about most days. Toddler group on mondays, meeting with friends to the park etc etc. I chose a preschool that wasn't the most local but not too far away. Its in a purpous built building and is absolutely lovely. I always envisaged getting us there under our own steam walking, dh dropping off on his rotored days off and even a 2 minute direct bus route as dh is a bus driver and we have free bus travel.

Anyway then my mum retired and things have totally changed. My mum wants to come round every single day unless it is dh's rotored day off. At first it was both a novelty and a great help to me. This is also why I fear some will tell me I am ungrateful or be envious. She help loads around the house often without me even asking, she comes round quite early on preschool days (this too has kind of evolved without me actually knowing how) to help me get the children ready and she drives with all of us in tow and takes us to drop off ds1 to preschool which I do myself and then does the whole thing in reverse in the afternoon (he does 2 full days). I have told her that I never chose the preschool expecting her to do this and she said but why not take the easy way when its being offered?

She speaks to me like I am still a child and makes me feel like I am still dependant on her. She tells me I should be dealing with the children this way or that and even tells me to say this to ds or don't do it that way. I have increasingly been conforming to what she says but today for the first time I just snapped and was close to tears and have begun to think things can't continue like this. I don't go to toddler group now and haven't done for some time as mums always round and when I said I would like to go again (meaning so don't come round on that day) she said ok you go and I'll look after ds1 as its not a preschool day. When I said I'll take him she said don't you think he'll find it boring. She also said that Mondays a stupid day to have it as you need it to catch up from the weekend! Its now got to the point when ds1 says whens granny coming today! I did manage ok before my mum retired I really wasn't that bad at things although there are time I wonder how or if I really did. So aibu to want things to change?

You know you are not being unreasonable. You know you have to change things.

You need to be firm with her...

From what you write, she might be OK with that?

She aounds like she misses work and the social interaction and is trying to plug the gap.
Without sounding like an agony aunt from a womans mag, could you try to get her to take up some hobbies or give her ideas on how she can fill her time doing other things?

you are not being unreasonable at all.

YANBU and you need to talk to her. Keep pushing how grateful you are etc etc, but stick to your guns - work out first what it is you want (i.e do you want her to come around 2 days a week? 3 days? 1 day?) and work from there.

Also think in advance of other things she could be doing with her retirement - can you check out some clubs she might be interested in? She seems to have moved from one FT job to another - i.e she's adopted your household as hers because she doesn't know what else to do with herself. If you can help solve that, you might solve the interference without a falling out.

No you are completely not being U. Sounds like your mum is used to being busy and in charge (what sort of job did she do?) and hasn't adjusted to being retired yet.

It's tricky, but I think you need to have a gentle word with her, and say something along the lines of 'It's really lovely that you want to spend all this time with us, but don't you have your own things you want to do? Because I would really like some time to myself with the children, so shall we set up two regular days for you to come to us and stick to them?'

Not an easy conversation, but it's clearly driving you nuts, and it's not great for her either if she's not building her own life after retirement. Gratitude doesn't come into it.

Good Luck!

She was a training manager for a big company. My dad retired recently so I had hope things would change but I said to mum today I won't keep you won't dad be wondering where you are and she said no he'll be fine we're not joined at the hip you know!

YANBU, you sond very thoughful.
Your Mum sounds nice too though and like she is a bit lonely and just really wants to help you out, which is nice, but a bit over powering when its all the time!
Seeing as this situation has really just gradually crept up on you, is there any way you can gradually cut it back without having to have the 'big discussion' about it and maybe fall out?
Perhaps one week you could say to her on Fri that a friend of yours is going to the toddler group on Monday and has a son DS1's age so you're planning on taking both children and really looking forward to it! Suggest that your Mum could do while you are busy, then say 'see you Tuesday!'
Then gradually the toddler group/Monday to yorself will become more routine and you can add something else in the week to get another day to yourself!

Good idea edward except not this week as mondays one of dh's rotored days off this week!

Ah bless, your mum sounds fab! YANBU. Just cut down the time spent with her and get things back on the right track. She's going to form opinions about the way you do things and about the way things are done but it's because she's 'involved' she has these opinions. Good luck and don't feel ungrateful for wanting to keep a good relationship going with your mum.

If I do try to talk to her about things she either says I don't mind or its no trouble or if I try to be abit more insistant she has said things like I do alot for you or after all I've done for you which makes me feel terrible and ungrateful!

She just wants to feel needed, we all do don't we? Haven't got any answers but If I were you, I would just be a bit ill to start with, say you all have terrible colds/virus and best to keep away(little white lie) enough to break the habit of her popping in every day. Then be really fine and on top of things and if she asks about coming round, say you are meeting new friends and doing new things that she can't have an opinion on IYKWIM? Then maybe you can start from scratch with a set day you can meet at yours for quality time?

Get your mum to join the gym, there are lots of women who go every day for the company, apart from the obvious benefits of course. If she is not keen on the exercise machines there are organised classes ie Yoga, Body Balance, Pilates etc.

Deste I could not imagine in a million years my mum in a gym just not her thing at all! LOL

There must be other things, rather than the gym ,that she could do. I think you will have to be firm and make some boundries.

Tried to talk to my mum about things today and she said but I love seeing me little grandsons and they love seeing their granny at which point ds2 said gaga (his word for granny) and put his arms up to be picked up very cute! She also pointed out that now dads retired they plan to quite often go away in their caravan especially in the summer so she said I should make the most of the offers of help while she's around!

that should read my little grandsons!

My Mum sounds like your Mum, she would literally drop everything to help us BUT she has the tendency to interfere. She would spend every waking moment here if I let her, she too isn't working at the moment. The way she says things to me can be really patronising, my DS is teething at moment and isn't eating well and she says stuff like "don't let it go on too long, I would be taking him to the doctors", erm yeah thanks Mum. She always feels his hands and feet the second she holds him to check if he is cold, that one really gets my goat. I keep my distance from her cos it really gets to me and stresses me out and my DS doesn't need a stressed Mummy. I am getting better at dealing with it now but she does irritate the life out of me, I can bite my tongue to a certain extent but then like you I snap.
I think you just need to organise stuff to do (or tell a little white lie and say you are going out) and be firm about doing it alone with your DS. A word of warning though, I wouldn't get into the I will see you every Tues/Thurs etc cos you will then be a slave to it.

Could you not perhaps use that to your advantage a little bit?

When it comes to the groups you want to go to with the kids but without your mum, could you not say 'look mum, I need to do a few things on my own with the boys so I'm not isolated when you are away. I do appreciate the support but don't want you to feel you can't go away to the caravan so I need a few other things too'

My mum would buy that....

I would tell her that you want to get the kids walking to school as its healthier and better for the environment. I would also maybe tell her that although she likes spending time with the kids you're feeling a bit overpowered by all the attention and would prefer it if she cut down the visitng a bit and spent more time with your dad doing things together or learning new skills at adult ed.
I had presumed she was a widow or divorced. It does sound as though she's avoiding your dad a bit.

I don't think she is avoiding my dad he only retired on Wednesday! Also although she comes round nearly every day it isn't usually all day iyswim? Goodness I'm defending her now!!! Its usually either the morning or afternoon although on preschool days it tends to be both with the popping back iyswim! Anyway I've just realized I've name changed back. Ah well I've outed myself! Anyway dh is off work now and not back til next wednesday so I'll see what happens from there!

A daily visit from a parent would have driven me up the wall. I'd have definitely ended up telling them I needed some time to myself and that I was feeling a bit smothered.

Some days such as last friday and this wednesday it was all day and other days (ie rest of week) it was part of the day. And yes it does drive me nuts!

Could you talk to your dad about it? Maybe if he knew he could help by having things with your mum planned to keep her away from you!

Can't you just mention that although you know she's maybe at a loose end now she's retired and is enjoying seeing you and the children you'd like a bit more space and time on your own with the children and that now your dad's retired could they maybe do some stuff together and give you a bit more privacy and independance. Maybe mention friends you'd like to visit with both your children, or the fact that you'd like to take your children to preschool on your own. I think unless you mention it it will just continue.
Agree talking to your dad may help, depends how tactful he is. Some men are rubbish at tact and would just say "x says you're smothering her and wants you to go round less," the moment your mum starts making excuses as to why she has to visit every day when your dad asks her not to.

YANBU, Mykids!

My mum has a tendency to be like this too. When I gave birth to my eldest child, she insisted on coming every morning for a week after my dh went back to work, to "help" me + give me a rest! People were saying, "Oh aren't you lucky having your mum on tap, wish I'd had that support, etc".

Trouble is though, like you I'm sure, I'm quite an independent person and she did get on my nerves, constantly watching me with the baby + saying how differently she used to do things, (her way was right of course!) If I so much as sat down with a magazine when the baby was asleep, she'd keep pestering for something to do to help, + by the time I'd shown her how to use the washing machine/cooker etc the baby would have woken up! I actually got less rest than if I'd been on my own!

I'm also a non-driver but very used to public transport. Even now she seems amazed sometimes if she phones up + we're just going into town/visiting a friend etc by bus/taxi. It's "Oh you should have said, your father could have taken you, why don't you wait half an hour, we can give you a lift!"

If we're going out I tend to let the answerphone kick in if it rings before we go, however if she rings my mobile once we're there, I'll answer it. Don't mind her meeting us at places, but I don't want to give up my independence by accepting a lift, unless absolutely necessary!!

I did tell her once how criticised I felt, but to be honest she was amazed, she had no idea she came over that way! Since then though, she's got better + tends to think before she speaks. In terms of the transport, she bites her lip when I say we're going somewhere, I can see she's itching to volunteer my dad to take us, (he's the main driver of the two!), but doesn't like to which I'm grateful for!

I do realise she means well + have been grateful for her support at times, but I think that generation have quite a "forceful" way of offering help!!