To want to leave the house, especially the kitchen in a complete state and go to work to leave DH to clean it up?

[SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore]

Yesterday I tidied and vaccuumed all the living room, washed all the pots, cooked dinner for me and dd2, washed the pots again, collected dd1 from school and took her to dance and went to work, where guess what I did? That's right I washed up!!!!!!!!!

When I came home from work at 1am the chips that dd2 had thrown on the floor were still there, the high chair was still out, still not washed and there were empty bottles scattered everywhere.

I didn't dare investigate the kitchen for fear I may cry.

I just have though, I noticed it was a mess this morning, but hoped it was just packaging and pots needing to be put away, but no it was not. It was washing up waiting to be done.

I am just having a coffee and then will have to wash up to finish preparing lunch for dd2 which will now be late.

I had told DH that I would prepare bolognaise for him to warm up for the children after he finishes work as I am working again tonight, but now I just feel like leaving all the mess for him to deal with before he has to cook dinner himself.

I honestly could cry. Why do I bother trying?

i know a woman in your situation who did that for a week until all the crockery ran out. it was a total standoff. i gather the division of labour is a little fairer as a result, but it wouldn't be an easy ride lol.
tempting, though...

You've posted about this before, haven't you? IIRC

DON'T do it!

WHY are you going to prepare dinner for him?

in fact, i think she went as far as buying paper plates...

I'd clean up what you need to, to get lunch sorted and so its half decent and then leave the rest. Clear up any mess you make today but leave his!
Tell DH you havent made the bolognese because you spent the time clearing up mess that you hadnt anticipated being there.
He's just not bothering as he assumes you'll do it all. Nip that in the bud!

YANBU

but at some point you either have to accept DH is like this or change your reaction to him or end your relationship as it seems that you are not happy at all with him

he is controlling, is this the same man who made you late for work by accusing you of an affair?

don;t act like a skivvy

don;t let him treat you like one

Yes notnow I have. The house is a complete tip because I refuse to do it all, all on my own, but yesterday I agreed to make an effort despite having to be at work on my feet all night, on the proviso that DH did some ironing and ensured that the house remained in the state which I left it in.

I am now back to square one and all that effort was for nothing.

Madwoman, I doubt that Dh would notice we had ran out of clean pots.

I blame his mum entirely, she has spent his whole life running around after him and teaching him that the world should revolve solely around him and he should be looked after and cared for by all who meet him.

It's fucking pathetic. She still does it too. She brings him food around and buys us shopping because she is convinced her little boy doesn't get 'looked after' properly.

He phoned me earlier to tell me the puppy had had an accident in the kitchen. That he had just left there for me to see to

spell it out on a piece of paper write it down and cellotape to kitchen door.

chores and division of labour.

agree it.

have it in writing.

THEN - you have a firm ground for argument

my guess is he will say you have more time than him or some other bollocks.

so agree a rota - stick to it - and argue the agreement when he defaults - becuase the agreement would have been drawn up with his input and consent

Yes Lulu it is the same man. He is complete and utter twat and my life would be a million times better without him in it. I know that.

But as I have explained before he is going though a very difficult time right now, so I cannot just walk out on him, no matter how tempting it is.

Our relationship won't last though. I know that. I don't need this for the rest of my life.

he is going through a bad time? well, so are you, as you are mmiserable, put upon and being taken advantage of

surely if you are prolonging the inevitable, it will be worse in the long run?

I think this is what I would do

I would stop doing ANYTHING for him

Of course, you've got to look after yourself and your dds but I would, with immediate effect, stop doing any of his laundry, ironing and any cooking or meal preparation

I'd probably consider the paper plate idea, but leaving the kitchen in a permanent state would be a bit of a challenge

Custy we have a white board I bought him which I used to write down what I expcetd of him each night I was working, which wasn't much. Just things likes cooking for the children, washing up after warming the dinner I had prepared, reading with dd1 and a bit of ironing. He told me I was taking the piss and decided he would watch football instead.

We have had rotas before. I did my bit, his bit got left.

He will clean. At stupid times. He will sit on his arse all night and then at 10pm when I want to start getting ready for bed he will ask if we are going to start cleaning up . If I refuse he won't bother doing anything.

His excuse is dd2 is hard to deal with. Yes, I know that, I have her all day, but he still expects me to do it. She is in bed when he has her!!!!

you don't tell him - he lives there too. it needs to be agreed.

or kick him out, he is clearly a selfish cunt

What are the hard times he's going through atm, then?

CAn he not go and live with his mOther? (sounds like she'd have him back)

You sound utterly fed up and no wonder. It's not a way to live, is it? You are 2 adults, in an adult relationship... you're supposed to be his lover, not his Mother

You could write a list of all the chores that need doing and put a little tick box and signature section next to it. When a chore gets done, the person who has done it signs the paper. Then you can see who does what and what needs doing. It will soon show up who does most of the work and how much gets done.

That's a good idea Wizzska, I will definately try that one.

Notnow his ten y o nehpew is terminally ill. Dh has not took it well, especially considering three of his friends have died this year and there was a chance he could lose his job.

His mum wouldn't have him back. I have tried that one. He is too agressive apparently. But it's okay to have him speak to me aggressively then

Apparently his moodiness and aggressivness is because he cannot cope with mess, fucking clean it eejit!! It's not rocket science.

Or leave, if he doesn't like it that much and can't do anything about it why does he not just leave??

That is very sad about his nephew. Poor little boy

But it's still not a reason for him to piss all over his own doorstep and talk to you aggressively, is it?

I don't know what your previous threads have been about. But the content of this thread certainly points to a mentally abusive man. There is no excuse for treating you this way? If your nephew was terminally ill, do you think he would for you what you do for him?

I'd stop doing anything for this abusive arsehole.

Get rid of him before he starts hitting you. Because that will be the next step. He already thinks you're his servant and not really a human being. Soon it will be a slap or a push or stepping on your toes because you're 'nagging' him - his mum won't let him live with her because he's aggressive, why should you have to put up with him?

Sorry, but I don't see the connection between his nephew being ill and him leaving his crap everywhere for you to clean up.

Am I missing something?

SGB sometimes I wish he would hit me, then I could make him leave and it wouldn't be my fault.

I did ask him to leave, not long ago , he for the first time ever agreed and seemed to be finally taking me seriously. Then he turned up on my dads doorstep in tears and got the support of my parents, which made him think he could stay.

He promised them he would change and help more. But he promises this every other week, it's just they are guillable enough to take it in. They apparently think I should do what it takes to keep my family together.

I have been slapped by bigger stronger men than DH before, he knows this and he knows that is the one thing I would not tolerate. He would be out of the door before his feet touched the floor. Probably why he hasn't done it then.

My father was abusive and I know DH has a lot of the same behaviors only not as extreme, it doesn't excuse it though. I do NOT want my dds repeating this cycle. Whcih is what will happen if I stay.

I just need time to help him get over his nephew and coping strategies in the meantime.

I won't stay, unless he changes, which I know will not happen.

It is not, actually, your responsibility to look after him in his grief. He has forfeited the right to your support by treating you like shit.
I am sorry you have a family background that has led you to believe that women have to put up with crap from men, that it's women's duty/inherent biological destiny to service men, and that men are not to be blamed when their marriages break up because of their shitty behaviour. None of this is true. You deserve a life without this self-pitying bullying knob in it.

I agree with SGB. And look, if his mother is so desperate to look after him and it is her fault he is such an arrogant abusive piece of work, then send him back there NOW.

Why are you putting your life on hold for him? If you know the relationship will end and you hate things as they are, why not move on? While you are wasting time with this turd you are missing out on loads of things, not least meeting a man who cares for you and is a decent human being. If nothing else at least you would be able to come home to a clean house!

Have i got this right? Your abusive dad is pressuring you to succomb to the same horror he inflicted on your mother? Wow, that sounds like one twisted old man trying to justify his own bad history. I mean if you stay and put up with it then he is not alone and it must be okay.

The worst thing you can ever do to (not for bu to) your children is stay and show them that it is okay to be treated this way, or that it is okay to treat people this way.

And why is your Dad deciding your your marital affairs?

I am sorry your nephew is ill, but surely you feel sad and concerned too?> and you are not behaving nastily to DH?

using a nephew's terminal illness as an excuse to treat you like shit is piss poor behaviour

if it was not his nephew, he would find another reason

maybe he needs help, if he is suffering so much as a result of the bereavements he has had and now his nephew being so unwell, as he clearly is unable to carry on functioning like a decent human being

either way, it is no excuse to treat you and his own child as crap.