To feel angry that the way my friend disciplines her DS, punishes my DS too?

[Scrumplet]

She's lovely. I have a lot of time for her, and her DS is my DS's best friend. They come over regularly and the boys have a good play and we have a catch-up.

She has a tough time at home - her DH is worse than useless with the kids, and doesn't want to spend time with them when he comes in from work - so I know she's under strain and unsupported, and I do understand that. But my DS doesn't.

Last night, after her DS played up at bedtime - wanting some attention from his dad - in the heat of the moment she banned her DS from coming here today. This has happened before, and the trouble is, it punishes my DS too - and it isn't even effective, because it isn't addressing the root problem.

My DS is upset and doesn't understand why he isn't allowed to play with his friend today when he hasn't been naughty.

Do we just have to accept that my friend disciplines differently and respect her decision (and how do I explain that to a four-year-old when it affects him?), or would it be worth saying something to her?

Thanks.

yanbu for being upset, but i think you might be better keeping this to yourself because no-one likes criticism on how they discipline their children. Maybe do something special with your son to make up for today then next time she's over just make apoint about how much your son missed his friend today?

If she did this in the heat of the moment, perhaps she too will realise that it's effectively punishing your ds as well as hers, and she'll try to think of some other punishment for the next time it happens. It's not easy to see all the ramifications of a punishment in the heat of the moment.

Perhaps the next time you see her, you could say something along the lines of, 'SmallScrumplet was sad not to see your ds the other day' - and if that starts a discussion on bedtime tactics, maybe you can help her think of some other options.

You can reassure your ds that he hasn't been naughty (I am sure you've already done this) and maybe think up some little treat to make up for it - but he will forget the upset, I'm sure.

I can understand your ds being upset, but your friend has to discipline her ds as she sees fit and if that means no play, unfortunately it means no play. It would be worse if she attempted to discipline but then didn't follow through iykwim.
Do something nice with your ds today and he'll soon forget abut it.

Don't say anything - the child was misbehaving and she said that he would miss out on something he likes if he didn't behave - so she followed through.

You cant say anything, you'd be undermining her parenting when it sounds like she's got it tough enough already.
Just keep in mind some back up plans to pull out every now and then when they cant make it. Would be exactly the same if her son was prone to being ill or something and cancelled because of that. Cant be helped.

actually, thinking about it, on the odd occasion this happened here, I always apologised to the child and explained it wasn't their fault.
Maybe you could ask her to have a quick word with your ds, and let him know it's not his fault?

I think you will have to explain to your DS that he is not being punished but his friend is, so he should not feel bad. doing something with him to compendsate is a nice idea but do not tell your friend how she should dicipline her own child.

It might even do your ds good - to see punishment in action - then he will know that there are no idle threats iykwim.

Take him out somewhere nice to cheer him up.

tbh..anything could happen which could prevent the play happening. One child could be ill and it could be cancelled...that wouldn't be your childs fault either. As long as your child knows it has nothing to do with him then i can't see a problem. Just do something to make up for the disappointent
I think it doesn't hurt to expain why it happened..he won't hurt him to know that different people have different rules and are entitled to them.

YABU if you are expecting her to change the way she has chosen to discipline just save the feelings of your DS.

My BF and I have been trying to arragne to get together for 3 weeks (we both work different hours) and every time, something has come up, my DS had D&V then hers had chicken pox then she got called in to work.

A thousnad and one things can happen. DCs will learn at some point that disappointments happen and it's not their fault but that you can't do anything about it.

Agree with others on here that you can't expect her to discipline her child in a way that is convenient for you regardless of whether she has it tough at home or not.

I would just tell your ds that unfortunately his friend has been naughty so isn't allowed to play today and do something else nice instead - just as others have said.

I can understand you being upset by the way - it's not nice to have plans fall through at the last minute esp when your ds is upset. But can't be helped I'm afraid.

Hmm.

I'm 100% with you all with the comparisons to illness and the like preventing a playdate. That's life, and we all have to learn to get over these disappointments.

I do have a problem with this punishment, though, because my friend had enthused with DS about this afternoon's playdate plan (swimming) as recently as yesterday, and then this morning cancelled in the same breath as acknowledging that this way of punishing her DS is ineffective anyway.

When I said earlier that I wondered if I should say something to my friend, I didn't mean about her parenting, just more like other posters had said - that DS was upset. FWIW, the things I have said about her DH and her son's relationship with him are things she has told me herself. It's sad to see it close-hand, and to feel so helpless.

DS and I are having a fun afternoon though.

Thanks for posts.

This used to happen with ds2 and his best friend,if his bf was naughty his mum would ban him from ours.

So quite often ds2 would see his bf outside with other kids and the bf would say im not allowed to play with you /at yours today but i can tomorrow .

After realising this I went to see his mum and saked her outright what was going on? she replied by saying that the only punishment that bothered her ds was being banned from ours and ds2,she couldnt see that it was upsetting for ds2 and there was no point trying to explain.

So inevitably ds2 moved on and now has different friends and a new bf- i recently heard she now takes his trendy trainers if he is naughty.

I always made a conscious decision to arrange punishments so they did not affect a third party. Seems a bit pathetic to get another child excited about a treat and then withdraw it when they haven't done anything.

But agree with the others that there isn't a lot you can do about it. (I did feel justified in comforting dd when it happened to her and saying that I did think it was unfair).

yanbu I have never umderstood these sort of punishments. I have even heard parents do this for birthday parties, seems so unfair on the other child.

It's a shame and bloody annoying if she admits that it has no effect on her DS.... Grrr

However, at 4 your DS is well old enough to understand that your friends DS has been a naughty boy and isn't allowed to play. Why didn't you still go swimming and have lots of fun? (or maybe you did - LOL, just didn't seem likely from your posts).

As she has admitted to you that it doesn't work, why not try suggesting something that does/did work with your DS... (NO bath tonight works in our house - LOL - though lots of kids would probably think that was a good thing!! Ours think it's tantamount to child cruelty to not be allowed to play in the bath!!).

Sorry, but I did this when DD was about 10 yrs old. She was being a brat all week, had been given a couple minor punishments that were not getting through to her. I then told her that if she did not get into line, she was going to be grounded for the remainder of the week, including the Friday night slumber party at her friend's house. She ended up being grounded and missing the slumber party. Not ideal, but she knew it was a possibility, and continued to act up. I honestly think she figured I would never make her miss it.

I received an irate phone call from her friend's mum, who began berating me over the phone about punishing DD and not allowing her to go to her DD's slumber party. I'll admit, this wouldn't have annoyed me quite so much if this woman wasn't one who NEVER discliplined her kids. But I stood by the decision and told her politely that it was unfortunate that DD wasn't able to come, but that was life.

As a parent, within reason, you have to discipline as you see fit. I will say, DD never ever pushed it like that again - she learned from it - to the point that when she was a teenager and dating and had a curfew, she knew that if she was late, she would be grounded regardless.

yanbu, I don't think it's fair to jerk other people around with arrangements as part of her discipline. 4 year old IMO need more immediate consequences anyway.

triggles - I think it's different for a 10 year old than a 4 year old - as you describe it, it sounds pretty reasonable what you did .

Yes, TotalChaos it is a bit different with a 10 year old - but the result was the same - the parent was upset and called me to tell me I was punishing her DD as well as my own. I do agree that a 4 yr old may need a more immediate consequence - unless those types of punishments work for a particular child at that age, I suppose.

I've done this and had this done to me with my nearly 5 yr old. Whilst I am apologetic to a degree, the other parents have always understood as have I, that how I choose to discipline my child is up to me and if I deem that to be the most effective way of doing it then their LO will learn from that too as certain behaviour will preclude them getting what they want.

It is disappointing but I always warn my daughter several times before going down this route and she needs to learn that there are consequences for her actions. Grounding her (as we call it) does work for us and as she is a very difficult child I am reluctant to give that up because it upsets someone else.