are all men this selfish?

[lilypond1]

i have had (and still have) an ear infection since sunday and feel really crap.i feel terrible as dd has just had 2 jabs and is really restless and not sleeping, dp works, very hard i have to say, BUT when he comes home he does what he wants i.e not childcare!! i also do the housework and food, thats normal because im at home all day with dd, but am i unreasonable to ask him to help out in the night with soothing and nappy changes while im ill? apparently i am as when i mentioned it this morning he went mad and stormed out, really hate that as he will be out all day and we have guests arriving this morning, so no private time for talking (or shouting!)we also live abroad so i have no family or close friends to help me either.

Yes. All of them. Hadn't you heard?

Unfortunately many men are. Because many men still believe that only men are 'people' and women are not, quite. Women exist, in their minds, for the benefit and convenience of men and in any couple-relationship the man is the important one.
I think you have to decide not to allow your DH to regard himself as more important than you because he is in paid employment (because he is dependent on your unpaid labour to function, after all: if you left him or died he would have to pay for childcare and either do the domestic work himself or pay someone to do it).
I'd advocate a mini housework strike on this occasion. Obiviously you need to make sure your DD is cared for, fed and clean etc, but don't bother with any dusting or hoovering or laundry or cooking. You;re not well. Food can either be takeaways or he can sort it out.

I agree with solidgold.

But would also suggest poking your dh in the ear with a knitting needle and seeing how HE likes having a sore ear.

[evil]

Of course they're not!

DH works hard, I work partly at home so do most of housework. But even when I was on maternity leave, he came home from his v demanding job and took on night-time soothing of DS, cooking, whatever needed doing.

His stance is, we both work hard during the day doing different jobs (and DS/housework counts, in fact he says it's harder). In the evening, we're in the same place SHARING the jobs.

So sympathy for you, and know that you are not BU to ask that he does his fair share (not 'helping' you, a phrase that always grates with me).

what did you agree on when you decided to be a sahm? Did you agree with him that ALL the childcare should be your responsibility and ALL the working for a wage, his?

I think he's being an arse seeing as you are ill, but perhaps he doesn't realise how ill you are?

Maybe if you take some time to look after yourself today at the expense of the preparations for your guests he will see how impossible it is for you to do both?

thanks for messages! we didnt agree on specifics about jobs at home, i think its reasonble for me to do majority of tasks at home when hes at work, but all i want is a bit of help when im ill, i think hes being an arse, all i want to do is sleep but obviously cant do that with a poorly 14week old dd!!! ive been going to bed at 8 or 9 cos im so tired and hes been staying up until 2 watching tv etc.. so its no wonder hes tired aswell(as he shouted in the garden this morn that he doesnt whinge and moan about being tired, but i do) rah!!! feel like walloping him.

Are we married to the same man?

Get well soon x

No, my DH would take care of the DC if I were ill. And he has a stressful job.

Could your guests take care of DD for an hour or two so you could lie down?

Some are.
Mine included.
Sometimes, not selfish as such, but either thoughless, self absorbed, or a mixture of all three.

Its ok if he didn't realise you needed help, but as you asked for it and he has thrown a strop, ignorance is no excuse.

Your DD has 2...yes, 2 parents.
He should be helping you out FGS

Go on strike see how he likes having to fend for himself, yake care of yourself and DD, ignore him and if he starts whining, tell him if he helped out, it wouldn't be an issue.

Hope you get well soon..ear infections are crap..painful, and make you feel dizzy and sick
My heart goes out to you.

Try changing your approach if you can, rather than being cross, saying 'look I'm ill, cranky and just need a bit of support for a change'

No not all men are this selfish. My DH is a SAHD and I work FT. He does childcare in the day, and cooks the evening meal. I come home and do laundry and housework and put DS to bed etc. We share chores in the evening. I think it helps that we've both had a turn at the SAH role and both gone out to work at different times.

Your DH is being an arse. A little bit if sympathy to the one you are supposed to love and cherish wouldn't go a miss occasionally.

@ thread title

thanks everyone! its nice to know that im not a crazy, selfish, lazy bird!!!

You're not a crazy selfish bird.

But you are a moron for phrasing the thread title like that.

(says the man juggling a screaming toddler, cleaning the toilet, doing the laundry, and sorting out the boiler, who just sat down to mumsnet while he grabbed a quick sandwich).

I am also at the thread title.
I am a woman fwiw.
There would be an uproar if one of the Dad's wrote on Dadsnet "Are all women this selfish".
OP, your dh is being a prick, but that is not down to his gender.

not all men are selfish,just your dh

personally i dont think im a moron, the thread title is a question not a statement, therefore open to answers! is there a dadsnet?!!

I don't think you are a moron.

It is a question, but comes across as "Pah! Men!" thinking which annoys a lot of people, me included. Asking the question implies that the answer may be yes. I don't think anyone would argue with you when you say your dh is selfish.

Dadsnet is a topic are in Mumsnet. And there are quite a few Dads on here.

WOuldn't you be cross if someone wrote "Are all women this 'insert undesirable characteristic here'? I would be.

my husband and i both work full time. we have two babies under two.

luckily we do shifts so one or other of us can be home with them for the majority of teh time, they have three half days in childcare.

we cannot afford otherwise.

we earn the same, and both share evrything evenly - when we are home we do it all, if we are home together we share it.getting up, everything. the only thing he doesnt do is BF teh baby, but he will go get him for me!

so no, not all men are "this selfish" and if you want i'll send mine round to explain to yours?

YANBU. Many men are like it unfortunately.
I personally could not be with someone of that ilk and am blessed with a good one. I was ill yesterday and went straight to bed when DH got in, leaving him to cook dinner, wash dishes, bath children and put to bed. We don't have night soothing to do but he would have done that knowing I was ill.

YANBU. Many men are like it unfortunately.
I personally could not be with someone of that ilk and am blessed with a good one. I was ill yesterday and went straight to bed when DH got in, leaving him to cook dinner, wash dishes, bath children and put to bed. We don't have night soothing to do but he would have done that knowing I was ill.

It is sad to say that some are hopeless because their mums have brought them up that way. All the girls in my family can cook, sew on a button, change plugs, unblock a u-bend, paint a room... but can my brother? Can he tufty. Mum said that she always cut him too much slack because he was 'the boy' and left the discipline of him to him because he was 'the boy'.

What I would suggest is you pick a time when you are both cool...and you are well..and discuss with him how you feel and what help you would like and why...he loves you and I'm sure if you explained to him he would at least try to help when you are suffering some men need to be directed and they are not mind readers either ...

or is it instructed?..