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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be increasingly annoyed by my mums interfering

13 replies

mykidsmyway · 24/03/2009 22:07

I've name changed. Where do I start and how do I put this without sounding totally ungrateful? That is certainly not my intention. I am a sahm and have 2 children aged 3.6 and 16 months. Until ds1 was 2.10 and ds2 was 8 months my mum worked full time and hardly ever saw my children during the week but we went round most saturdays as dh works most saturdays but has days off during the week. I don't drive but managed to getout and about most days. Toddler group on mondays, meeting with friends to the park etc etc. I chose a preschool that wasn't the most local but not too far away. Its in a purpous built building and is absolutely lovely. I always envisaged getting us there under our own steamie walking, dh dropping off on his rotored days off and even a 2 minute direct bus route as dh is a bus driver and we have free bus travel. Anyway then my mum retired and things have totally changed. My mum wants to come round every single day unless it is dh's rotored day off. At first it was both a novelty and a great help to me. This is also why I fear some will tell me I am ungrateful or be envious. She help loads around the house often without me even asking, she comes round quite early on preschool days (this too has kind of evolved without me actually knowing how) to help me get the children ready and she drives with all of us in tow and takes us to drop off ds1 to preschool which I do myself and then does the whole thing in reverse in the afternoon (he does 2 full days). I have told her that I never chose the preschool expecting her to do this and she said but why not take the easy way when its being offered? She speaks to me like I am still a child and makes me feel like I am still dependant on her. She tells me I should be dealing with the children this way or that and even tells me to say this to ds or don't do it that way. I have increasingly been conforming to what she says but today for the first time I just snapped and was close to tears and have begun to think things can't continue like this. I don't go to toddler group now and haven't done for some time as mums always round and when I said I would like to go again (meaning so don't come round on that day) she said ok you go and I'll look after ds1 as its not a preschool day. When I said I'll take him she said don't you think he'll find it boring. She also said that Mondays a stupid day to have it as you need it to catch up from the weekend! Its now got to the point when ds1 says whens granny coming today! I did manage ok before my mum retired I really wasn't really that bad at things although there are time I wonder how or if I really did. So aibu to want things to change?

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 24/03/2009 22:11

Doesn't want you to grow up then, does she?

This is not a good situation, yanbu, but you do need to use paragraphs from now on so people can read the problem more easily.

You MUST stand up to her and tell her you would like to be able to parent your children, thank you. You managed fine beforehand and you can continue to do so. Next thing, she'll be wanting to move in!

Not sure how you can achieve it without sounding ungrateful - perhaps you could just set up things to do most days so you are out when she pops round, or you can say "it's not convenient for you to come on such and such a day because we are doing X"

mykidsmyway · 24/03/2009 22:17

My dad retired today so maybe she'll come round less as they'll be doing stuff together iyswim? My dad is definately not the interfering type and I think he is hoping they'll get out and about especially during the summer!

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 24/03/2009 22:23

let's just hope she was bored and lacking things to do now she is retired, and now that your Dad has joined her in retirement, the problem may solve itself, like you say.

Fingers crossed!

mykidsmyway · 24/03/2009 22:23

Also I have mentioned I would like to learn to drive and my mum jjust said are you sure you can afford it and what does dh think of that idea? Also said these mums who drive everywhere whats the point its so much hassle with 2 kids to get in and out its far easier to walk! Also comments on the amount of people who drive to preschool (er we are among them although I never intended it)

OP posts:
mykidsmyway · 24/03/2009 22:34

Tried talking to dh about the situation and he is said she isn't that bad he could do alot worse for a mil!

OP posts:
beanieb · 24/03/2009 22:37

Not a good situation. My mum retired recently and her life is so full of stuff to do that she would never have time to act like this with me. Perhaps your mum is bored? Could you give her a nudge to find other things to do?

tearinghairout · 24/03/2009 22:38

Sounds as if your mum has strong opinions. She is entitled to - but you are entitled to do things your way, doesn't have to be her way. She must be - gently - shown that.

Eg:'Mum, I'd love to see you on Thursday' (but I've made other plans for Mon, Tues & Weds)

My mum is a very similar personality. I have learned to let her go on about stuff, let her tell me what I should be doing, and then say "I prefer to do this" and just do it! No excuses, if you want to walk say "It's a lovely day, we're going to walk".

I wouldn't bank on seing less of her now your Dad's at home - no doubt he'll be under her feet at home & she'll want to come to yours. Decide what you want, and tell her (nicely). Sorry, but if you act as if you are still in a parent/child relationship, she will treat you as a child. Act like an equal!

One more thing, you want to learn to drive - just go for it. I've achieved so much because I've defied my mother! But don't forget she loves you and your dch, so be kind.

Good luck!

mykidsmyway · 24/03/2009 22:54

Today I found myself transported back 20 years (I am 35!) She was about to put ds1 in the carseat and said right all you have to do is pick up this and that and bring out ds2 and off she wwent. I didn't come straight out as instructed (yes that is what it felt like) but brushed my hair first. Next thing I know she comes storming in angrily demanding to know whats taken me so long and it wasn't as if I was running late! Infact we were early! It was this situation that upset me and made me feel this is enough!

OP posts:
Jajas · 24/03/2009 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mykidsmyway · 24/03/2009 23:05

I realise this now jajas I just got carried away with what I wanted to say! I am a regular but have namechanged don't normally start threads without paragraphs!

OP posts:
Jajas · 24/03/2009 23:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WinkyWinkola · 24/03/2009 23:26

Yeah, I can see how she's totally treating you like a child. She's adopting your parenthood as her own.

This would drive me bonkers and something I've had to make sure doesn't happen with my MIL who itches to take charge at every opportunity.

She's not going to change. It's up to you to sort this out if you don't like it.

I'd say to her that you'd be happy to see her once a week - at her house - but that you need some space.

If she goes off in a strop, well, that'll be because you're showing her she can't treat you as a little girl anymore.

If things don't change, then your DCs will regard her more as the responsible than you.

Once you take back control, you'll feel a lot better. It's the first steps that are scary but you're in the right to do this.

And do learn to drive. Don't discuss it with anyone - just do it.

WinkyWinkola · 24/03/2009 23:26

the responsible adult, I meant to say.

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