Child Maintenance - The Ex

[lottysmum]

Honest opnions please...

Ex has paid me maintenance of £100 per month for the last 1-2 yrs...he did pay me £135 at one stage but I reduced the amount when I didn;t need the monies....we both earn good salaries.....he also paid his mother £120 a month since our daughter was born 7 years ago because she looked after our dd for 3 day's a week when I went back to work.

I contacted ex over weekend re money because dd is now going to a few more clubs which I pay for and I worked out that I had spent £800 on various items in the last two months including birthday treat to legoland for weekend (ex and his mother came) and this amount does not include out of school food/normal clothes.

I queried why he still paid his mother £120 (more than he pays me) when she comes up once a week (50 mile round journey) and this is on a night that he has our daughter so not a benefit to me....she has very occasionally babysat for me (1/2 times in last 5 months).

I've looked at CSA site which states that on his earnings he should be paying £82 per week (based on dd being with him 2 nights a week)...which is more than I need....his mother is 73 she did do a part-time job a few day's a week prior to looking after dd ...and she is free to do this now if she so wishes ...dd has been at school for 2.5 years now and granny has only cared for her a few day's during summer holiday's...... and dd has asked to go to summer camp this year.

We have always had a good parental relationship....but I don;t think granny should be paid £120 a month when I am expected to pay for all dd's club's clothes, special occasions and pets....when dd is with me 5 out of 7 day's a week.

Am i being unreasonable?

I think you're being unreasonable. I don't see that what he chooses to pay his mum is anything to do with you. If I understand correctly, you reduced the amount he paid to you as you didn't need it.

If you need more now, then you should just tell him, or go through the CSA.

Keep his payments to his mother out of the equation. Maybe its his way of supporting her, without embarrasing her.

God no, he should be paying £350 per month but is paying £100 per month. I'm guessng he's on a salary of around £40k. Regardless of other factors he's getting off bloody lightly in my opinion. Just ask for what you're entitled to, you should be sharng the cost of lookng after your DD, not footing the whole bill yourself.

But kitsmummy, she's said that she doesn't need the £80.00 a week, and that he used to pay her £135.00 and she reduced it. Either she needs/wants the money, or she doesnt.

I think it's definitely his responsibility to pay more towards their dd if it's needed, but has nothing to do with whether he pays money to his mother or not.

I agree with Littlefish. As for 'getting off bloody lightly' it appears that two reasonable people with a good parental relationship previously came to an agreement which they were both accepting of. If circs have changed, lotty and her ex can hopefully renegotiate, in the same reasonable spirit. Using a "you're getting off bloody lightly' approach would probably be utterly counter-productive in a situation like this.

What he pays his Mum is irrelevant really. YANBU to want more from him but since you reeduced his payments you really can't complain he's paying you less. There's no reason why you can't start a polite conversation with him about increasing the amount he pays though. He must realise that things have changed so it shouldn't be a total shock to him.

If you don't need the money you could put it in a trust fund for her.

Hi

Thanks for your replies...

when we reached the original settlement the monies were calculated taking into account he paid his mum £120 for childcare that benefited us both....obviously dd is at school now ..so we do not need her has childcare and yet he has continued to pay her the monies for last 2.5 yrs and is now using this has a reason not to increase what he pays to me.

I reduced the amount over 12/18mths ago...when I was not using the monies and he said he was struggling paying both me and his mother ...his mortgage at that time was much higher than it is now...he is on a tracker mortgage now and it has reduced considerably ..I have been a mug looking back at all the things I have paid for dd ...he only takes her away for 5 days holiday a year and I have always took her away for three weeks each year plus occasional weekends too which I have fully paid for myself....

I hate to contact CSA...but I feel that I will probably have no alteranative now.. I have always been fair and considerate....

I think you should discuss this with him before you discuss it with the CSA. Decide how much you think is fair and see if he is prepared to pay you this. If you can't reach an agreement then contact the CSA.

Well I still think he has "got off bloody lightly". I'm not saying she should go in all guns blazing etc and even though it's been an amicable arrangement he's still doing pretty well out of it by only paying £100 per month. Approach it amicably and hopefully it will be resolved amicably.

Littlefish - the OP has already said circumstances have changed and her DD is costing her a lot more these days.

Whether you need the money or not is actually almost irrelevant, he should pay it, you should take it and put it away for DD if you like, no law says you have to spend it.

The CSA are a waste of time for you unless there's anything in it for them ie reducing benefits they will do more hram than good, sit down and talk to him first.

Get the CSA involved and you will destroy whatever relationship you have left with your ex. Seriously - avoid them at all costs.

You need to talk to him - draw up a budget and show him how much your daughter really costs to bring up as you'd like her to be and make your case that way. You did reduce it once so I can't blame him for finding something else to spend his money on.

His financial agreements with his Mum are really none of your concern - she has probably got used to the extra money now and would find it hard to give it up (would you really want to deprive an elderly lady of extra income?). It's his problem to balance his own books if he now can't afford to do it.

Kitsmummy, she also said "I've looked at CSA site which states that on his earnings he should be paying £82 per week (based on dd being with him 2 nights a week)...which is more than I need...." I'm therefore a bit confused .

I presume she means that she needs more than £100 per month, but less than £320 (ish).

I just think this situation calls for an open discussion about the actual costs involved. However, I still think that the money being paid to his mother should be left out of this, regardless of whether or not it is now being used for childcare. He is choosing to pay that to his mother and as long as it doesn't interfere with his ability to support his dd, then shouldn't even be discussed.

Hi Thanks for all your thoughts....

LF - Yes I don;t need £320 per month...but £100 a month is not enough...I wanted my ex to pay an extra £50 a month.

The reason why the money paid to granny comes into the equation is because the original settlement was based on him having to pay out £100 to me and £120 to granny for childcare (which it no longer is). It doesn;t bother me if he continues to pay this to granny but surely if it isn't for childcare then it should no longer be part of the calculation for what he pay's me...which is what he is saying...

I;ve written him a long note today stating what I have spent in the last 2/3mths.... let's see what his response is...

Discuss it with him seems to me you have an amicable relationship.

I dont think he would be paying £82 a week if he has her for 2 days as well it would be less unless of course he is earning way over the £40k mark.

What he gives his mum is his business not yours.

Bringing in the CSA causes alot of hatred and hurt so think very carefully before you go down that route.

Hi

He does earn over £40k....and he has our dd two nights most weeks although his holiday is on a rosta ...however I do pay for everything cfrom school uniform to the various clubs and also for looking after our dd's pets...which in itself costs £30- £40 a month.

What he gives his mum ...was jointly agreed by both of us for childcare...not for any other reason....it wasn't for support...she's reasonably well off.

Sorry but I do think what he gives his mum is her business if he is using that as an excuse for not giving her more, especially if he is using that as an excuse for not increasing the payments. His mother is getting more than her.

If you agreed to buy pets then they are your financial burden not his, but equally his mother is his.
You need to talk face to face IMO

Thanks again....I do appreciate all your varied comments...the pets are new (last two months)... and not my sole decision ...in fact Ex was more in favour than I was....it's just me that's been the mug with regards to not insisting that he contributes
with all the initial costs

I would just tell him what the CSA calculator says he should be paying as a minimum and what you would like him to pay. Hopefully this will make him see you are being reasonable (not saying using the CSA is unreasonable, just letting him know you could be awarded more). Frankly he is just trying it on with the amount he gives to his mother and it is up to him to sort that angle out. Just point out you only agreed to part of your maintenence going to his mother while she was providing childcare