Need advice regarding a family situation that might go t*its up

[needfamilyadvice]

name changed

OK little bit of back history,

My SIL has major problems with depression/anxiety/ocd etc etc, and have always tried to be supportive as possible.

But this weekend at my sons 3rd birthday party things went wrong.

My sil has terrible social anxiety and really hates these sort of things, but I can not, not invite her so always do and she has always turned up for them, it was only a family party with a 1 other outside friend.

We parent very differently, and nver interfered and said anything as its not my place, I set my children boundaries and I can honestly say I am happy with how we (DH & I) raise ours kids 3 % 7

Now sil's kids (MY DH's sister) kids do not have boundaries and run wild, I usually go to theirs so its not an issue, well this party as the weather was lovely we went into the garden, at the bottom we have a very small sand pit, whien my kids play with it, I enchourage them to try and keep the sand as much as possible int he pit, but obviously mnot always the case, well my nephew got a bucket filled it and chucked it over his shoulder (he is also 3 by the way), I went up to him and asked nicely if he could not throw it, however a few mins later he got a handful and chucked it over next doors garden, I went over to him againa nd repeated it, I didn't crossly tell him off, I said " NAME please dont do that or there will be no sand int he pit to play with " at which point sil grabbed him and took him inside, another family member heard her telling him loudly "lets stay in here where you cant be naughty, mummy will watch you as your not allowed any fun in this house"

She left straight afterwards and then called several members who were not at the party how awful I was to her ds.

I know from having anxeity myself at times it can attack your self confidence and I always tried to help, but yet I am here thinking what have I done, none of the family members blame me as they know what she and her my nephew is like, but yet because she is so fragile no-one tell her.

Am I wrong to be thinking hat the hell did I do wrong, I know people parent differently but I always been of the thinking someone elses house, someoneselses rules.

I agree that someone else's house = someone else's rules.

This is not an argument that is going to end pretty though so let it go. If none of the family members blame you then just let it ride.

Out of interest what does your dh say?

I would leave it. Not worth trying to discuss imo - you are not going to see eye to eye.

You did absolutely nothing wrong btw, I would have done the same.

I'd just rise above it, tbh. I expect everyone knows what she's like and won't think badly of you. I'm not sure what you can really do or say but carry on being polite and maybe only invite them over if you really have to.

If you make a 'thing' of it then it probably will go tits up and I doubt anything will really change anyway.

Don't envy you though, it would wind me up too!

mmm she is most definately B very U by making the comments she has, but UAB a bit U by asking a 3 year old not to throw sand at a party.

DH thinks I should have ntohing to do with her as she is attention seeking and loves to live the life of misery and moan about it.

From having PND and anxeity I see it from a different point of view.

She has the hump and if nothing is said then she will not call me or contact me, she has no home phone only a mobile and work email, she cuts herself off for months on end and has everyone running around worrying about her, late 30's.

She is a recluse and only goes to work and stays at home, she has no friends and no other local family that visit on a regular basis, I am the only one that makes an effort, so if things dont get sorted I know she will cut herself off and her life is pretty bad, abusive, alcoholic.

What does her husband say? Could you talk to him about it?

If dh thinks you should have nothing to do with her tbh given what you have said i would ignore her.

She is behaving like a tantruming toddler and most advice says ignore them too doesn't it?

Only you know how much allowance you should / want to make for her other issues but tbh anxiety / social phobias / ocd etc didn't include behaving like a toddler last time i checked

(not meaning to be as unsympathetic as i sound really but it sounds from what you say that most of her family are a bit fed up with this behaviour so just don't see why you should have to put up with it)

She has no social skills, clearly, and this is probably why nobody else bothers to make the affort. How very rude and ungrateful of her but if she is ill like you say then she won't be able to see out of her 'bubble' to even think she has been out of order.

cross posted - if she is an abusive alcoholic then she only has herself to blame for the fact that she has no friends.

Not saying you shouldn't try to help her / be there for her but neither should you let her get away with behaving like a child. in the long term thats not actually going to help her either is it?

First of all i was thinking that if i was you i would be cross and would just let her get on with it, the sulking that is. But then after re-reading your posts i decided that would be pointless. I think i would just carry on as normal, pop round if you usually do that, phone her if you ever usually would do that, just move on but nicely!!
She seems to be very troubled and you sound 'together' and a nice person by asking this question in the first place. So if i were you i would try and put this behind you.

On another note, we used to have this problem with sandpits when the kids were little, caused no end of problems as the kids had different rules in their familys regarding throwing the sand or removing from the pit.......nightmare!!!

If she is that sensitive, I would let it go tbh especially as the rest of the family don't think you were unreasonable. It sounds like she does need you as a friend and hopefully it will blow over. Not an easy one for you though.

I think it was perfectly reasonable to ask a 3 yr old to stop throwing sand. I try to stop my one year old throwing stones in the pond in a similar way (hasn't worked yet but I live in hope).

thanks for replies

No point in talking to her dh as thats where the problem is, he puts her down and treats her like crap, very controliing, but because she makes mistakes in the past she thinks she deserves whats life has become and has made her bed and will lie in it etc etc.

I suppose I bother because has has shown how grateful she is to me and has said a number of times she likes her kids to see me & dh because it shows her kids what normal should be.

sorry I did not finish the sentance earlier, her dh is the abusive alcoholic sorry for confusion.

Goodness, reading your last post it sounds like she really does need you. Good for you for being there for her.

You can't sort it all for her though. By all means stay in contact and try to continue seeing her but I don't see why the incident with the sand needs to be resolved in any way. Just don't mention it, act normally towards her.

was her DH at this party? just if so, maybe she felt pressurised to come out with this nonsense to somehow try and appease him? given the circumstances re:her DH, I think you should be the better person for her children's sake and sort it out with her. I can see why your DH is frustrated - as presumably she complains about her husband but won't leave - but it's a tough situation all round.

no dh was not at the party never is, goes out drinking with mates.

She is there thinking I am out of order and she is the one that needs to respond to contact.

Ah if her dh and not her is the abusive alcoholic I take back some of what I said although I still think she is behaving in a pretty childish way over this.

As others have said though with such an awful home situation maybe just be the bigger person. Don't make a big deal, just call to try and meet up when you would have done so anyway and hope she lets if ride too.

Good luck

I vaguely rememeber saying something similar and I was just so unhappy and it was out of character for me. I wanted someone just to ask if I was okay.

I think you sound like a really nice person. It would be all to easy to say "sod her" and just cut ties. Quite clearly what she needs is the reverse, ie your friendship, whether she realises it or not.

I would continue as you have been, inviting her to things etc and just accepting that it won't be much fun and her behaviour may be erratic.

Years later she may realise how helpful you have been. Hopefully.

Personally I would attempt to put things right by calling her and saying 'I'm really sorry you were upset at the party, I hope that it won't affect our friendship.' You are then inviting her to deal with the matter in an adult way, if she is unable or unwilling to then just leave it.

I think that doing nothing will just cause a tension between you, and that you are best off addressing it with her in some way, not to make a big issue of it, just to acknowledge that she was upset. Sounds like she has a pretty sad life I wouldn't want to add to that in any way.

I hate dealing with things like this but I emailed her and said I heard you were upset if it was me then (explained by position) and that I had to mention it so no bad feeling between us, had no reply, but she usually replies hours / days later anyway. Would of preferred a face t face chat but know at the moment it would not of happened.