Is HE being unreasonable?

[Tex111]

In the last week DH has starting criticising my parenting. At first he said that I spent too much time on the computer. I explained that I took 5-10 minutes to check my email before breakfast and then spent 5-10 minutes checking it again while the children ate their dinner. The computer desk is next to the dining table so I'm right next to them. Other than that, I'm usually on it in the the evenings after they go to bed and while DH is at the gym. DH thinks that I should sit at the table with them the whole time and that I shouldn't let them watch TV during meals. I explained that if they didn't watch cartoons in the morning they would start fighting & arguing while I was in the shower. I let them watch TV at dinnertime because they're usually tired and grumpy and it saves a lot of arguments and tears. OK, not perfect I know but they do sit at the table. DS is 6 and DD is 3.

DH's answer was for me to get an iPhone so that I can spend the 5 minutes checking email at the table. Fine, I don't see what difference that makes but I've done it. I think he just doesn't like to see me at the computer for some reason. He gets irritated even at the weekend when I check my mail so I've been using the phone in the loo in the morning!

Today, Mother's Day, DH was taking the children to the park and asked if I wanted to go. I said that I would stay here and catch up on the laundry and a few other things so I wouldn't be overwhelmed in the week. His response "What will you regret most when they're off at university, not going to the park or not doing the laundry". Then he went off in a huff.

I'm a stay at home mum. I'm with the children all the time. DH works a lot and travels a lot with work. He never makes it home for dinner in the week and rarely is around at breakfastime. I feel a bit put out that he's being so critical when he isn't even here.

DH also says that I don't play with the children enough. I do spend a lot of time talking to them, doing homework, reading, cooking with them, doing things like painting DD's nails and playing dress up. When DH says play he means run around the park. I do take them to the park but they like to go off and play with their friends. I don't think they want to hang around with their mum.

I'm feeling really guilty. It's been ages since I was on mumsnet but this is really playing on my mind. I've bought the phone that DH suggested and I just don't use the computer when he's around anymore. Should I be running around in the park or trying to get DS to play ball games with me?? I just don't know what to think but my feelings are really hurt. I work really hard taking care of my family and the children are my world. Mumsnet was a huge help to me when the children were younger. I wonder is you guys can help me look at this problem clearly now. Thank you.

I think it's important to sit at the table and eat with the children, so I wouldn't be very pleased if DP was using the computer while the children were eating and watching TV.
Do you think he is reasonable about this issue?

Actually, I agree that you should turn the TV off when anyone's eating. But then I can't stand the way people have TVs on all the time all over the place. I also think it's better to check email when the children are in bed or at school or whatever. But if it's only 10 mins it's hardly a big deal.

Agree with ThursdayNext.

I'm a SAHM and Dh works away a lot. I always sit and eat with the kids. It's a nice time to talk with them and catch up with their day and they do seem to like it. So on this point, I think YABU.

I've been thinking about all of your responses. I think the point about DH perhaps transferring some of his feelings on to me is a good one. He usually just lets me get on with things as far as parenting and is happy to follow my lead. That's probably why I found his comments recently so hurtful and why I have started avoiding the computer. It's so rare that he says something critical so when he does I assume that it's really important to him.

I do go away occasionally and leave him to take care of the children. When I come back he always says how hard it is though he does live on restaurant meals and take aways when I'm gone. The last time I went away to NY to see my sister and I made sure that the trip included a couple of school days so he could see what it was like juggling playgroups, school drop-off and pick-up and playdates after school. I'll definitely do that again!

Thinking about your comments and looking at the bigger picture I think that DH is maybe going through something personally. I hate to use a cliche but his mid-life crisis has been brewing for some time. I wonder if now that DS is getting older and really wants his father around more, DH is feeling guilty for working and being away so much. Generally, he's either out of the country, at work, at the gym or if he is here in the house he's usually in his office working. He is good about spending time with the children at the weekends but I know they'd like to see him more.

We had a big talk a few weeks ago when I was feeling a bit overwhelmed with the children, the housework, my work with the PTA and all the other usual stuff. DH suggested that I use the time when DD is at nursery to relax and just do something for myself. I said that that would be great but it would mean that other things wouldn't get done and would he be willing to do more around the house to make my 'me' time possible. He said no. He's 'full' and I need to manage my time better! But that's a whole different thread.

Back to this topic, I do think the ideal thing is to have dinner with all of us at the table and with the TV off. Sometimes we do manage it. In fact, today DD didn't have nursery and wasn't as tired as usual and we did all eat together, TV off and have a nice chat. Most nights it just doesn't happen that way. I do hope that will change as they get older but at the moment I'm willing to compromise.

Thinking about my computer time, I know that DH gets irritated about me going on Facebook. I just discovered it a few months ago. I'm American and have lived in England for 15 years but I've reconnected with lots of old friends in the US through FB and it's been amazing to catch up with everyone. I would almost say that DH feels threatened by this but I can't work out why. When I've tried to talk to him about it he just says that he thinks it's weird that I like it so much.

We're all going away for a family holiday next week. It'll be the most time that the four of us have spent together in over a year. With the current negative undertone I feel a bit nervous about it but maybe it will be a good thing and hopefully we can clear the air.

Even if your DH does have some personal issues at the moment which are causing him to be more critical than usual, I think you should still consider his point of view.
The opinions about parenting of the parent who works are surely important, even though the stay at home parent actually does most of the parenting during the week.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to check your emails for 10 minutes during the day, but I don't think the best time of the day for doing this is during meals, whether it's on a computer or a phone. I also think the TV should be off during meals. Mine are 1 and 3, and we usually manage some kind of a conversation at the dinner table. If you were both happy with the TV being on during meals, that would be fine. But he's not, and I think that deserves some consideration. Could you eat earlier if your DD is really exhausted?

I agree with Thursday next - if my DH was a SAHP I would certainly feel I had a right to say please don't sit there on the computer at mealtimes.

Mealtimes are a really important time in family life and I really think on this issue I can see where he's coming from. I do see what you say about everyone being knackered and the TV saving a bit of squabbling but I think it is such a big missed opportunity, to sit together, and from them to communicate with you in a way that simply does not happen at any other time.

Why not have it on when you're cooking - I often do this, and then sometimes end up keeping the meal warm while the programme finishes, then you get a chance to say to them that dinner is after whatever programme.

I think he has a right to say what he's said on this issue. It would make my blood boil if DH did this, tbh, instead of making mealtime a family affair - maybe irrational, but that's how i'd feel!

I'm definitely listening to his point of view. I think the way he's gone about it is what's ruffled my feathers. I also feel like he's trying to dictate how things are managed when he's not here yet when he is here he does it the same way. I think it annoys me that he seems to expect me to uphold some ideal yet he doesn't do anything to help that happen like setting an example when we're all together at the weekend.

At the moment we eat dinner at about 4.30 so I can't see doing it earlier. DD started nursery in Jan and I think she's still adjusting. She's so tired at the end of the day and it's a mad rush to eat, bath and bed by 6.00. Then I have a couple of hours alone with DS before his bedtime. I'm sure this will change as DD gets used to nursery.

I can see that the way in which he's criticised you without supporting you in making changes (if you both decide they are needed) is annoying. If you do decide between you to try and do things differently then at weekends he obviously needs to work together with you to find a routine that
suits everyone.
Would agree that 4:30 dinner is already pretty early!