We see each other several times a week, and she helps look after my children if I have an appointment, plus we speak on the phone quite often. She is generally very supportive but I have had issues with her in the past, thinking she is controlling and quite toxic. We just keep a fairly harmonious relationship mainly as I need her help, honestly.
Anyway last week my children were quite ill. Both were being sick and I was up constantly all night for several nights, clearing up, in a sort of relay between them and the washing machine and bathroom, feeding the baby etc etc. I wasn't getting a break but was coping. I rang her and we had our usual brief chat, during which I asked if I might call her to come round if I became ill and couldn't manage with the children.
She sounded really dubious and grudging about it, and wouldn't give a definite answer just saying she was afraid of having to take time off work as work is importantto her and she wants to look committed (she is committed and they know she is, she already does an extra day a week at the moment). Of course I understand and I don't begrudge her wanting to keep her attendance at the top, but I have nobody else I can ask to help if I am ill.
I have a few friends but they are all married and frankly if I was ill I would not want to ask one of them to come and look after me, as I would be worried about passing something on to them and their children. Actually I have an agreement with my best friend that we don't meet if the children are ill. We're upfront about this.
I made it very clear I would only ask if things were desperate, and eventually she said Ok she would help if it was life or death but would prefer it if I had 'something else in place'. We have discussed this before, I have found out about homestart, but they don't provide emergency cover, just a once-a-week thing so it wouldn't help much if I was suddenly ill.
I accepted her feelings on it and we left it - but I asked her not to come round despite her offering to, on her days off, as I didn't want her to catch what the children had got. She was very blase about it, saying 'well I saw them last week, I'll be Ok' but I know if she got ill I'd feel terrible. So I insisted and managed alone. It was fine, I didn't get ill, and the other day when the children were much better, she came round and helped me with some cleaning, which again I felt worried about but she insisted.
This morning I had a phone call from my father saying mum was ill with a tummy bug. I'm not sure why he rang to tell me. He's like that. I said I was sorry and rang her just now to see how she was.
She told me how horrible it is and how awful she is feeling, and obviously thinks it is what my kids have had, despite the fact I kept her away during the worst of it, and I haven't had it myself.
She has done this once before - came to help when Iand ds had a bug, came down with it the next day and made me feel really really guilty. I am not saying she has got ill deliberately but the way she is about it feels as though she is saying 'see, it's your fault'
Why do I feel like this? I can't figure it out but it definitely feels like she is blaming me when she was keen to come round all the time, and I was so careful not to let her. I feel like I can't win.
Is it her or me?