To think my friends behaviour is wierd and want to distance myself?

[BatmansWilly]

Last month my friend told me her husband was carrying on with a woman online. I listened, was sympathetic etc etc but she went on and on and on, every detail of what she'd found, every word of what had been said, really insignifant stuff like what time they went to bed etc etc. But I did listen, even when she phoned me one day and stayed on the line from 9.30am until 2.30pm!!!

But nothing ever changed, she admitted she wasn't willing to do anything about it anyway and that she'd never leave and never kick him out etc ...

Its so ridiculous now that they're chatting to each other via MSN!!! He's upstairs on the PC, she's downstairs on the laptop and he's talking to her on that whilst also talking to this other woman! its all so stupid and daft. But its not just that.

I said to her last week "why don't we go for a night out, we can get everyone together ... " she looked at me like I'd gone mad and said "oh no! I couldn't! not whilst we're still together! I'd feel so guilty!" I said "I'm not on about going out on the pull! just a drink with some girls?!" she replied "no, no ... I'd feel too guilty, I can't"

So apparantly you do not go out EVER once you're married?!

Anyway we both made apointments to go into a job search place to get help with our CVs. Half way through the interview I heard her give the woman a false address! I raised an eyebrow but didn't say anything. Once outside I asked her what she was playing at and she said "Oh, I couldn't have this stuff going to my address, he wouldn't approve of me getting a job! he'd hit the roof!" So basically it was a waste of time her going to this place.

Tuesday we went into the city centre, just me and her to shop and have lunch, we both needed a break. When we got back she told me her husband had had a go at her saying she never tells him anything and he didn't know she was going into town so she made a load of stupid lies up about how it was spare of the minute decision and she had a doctors apointment and needed to go to Boots in city centre etc etc etc... all ridiculous. I said "Just tell him if you want to go town, you'll bloody well do so!!" so she replied "Oh, but I feel guilty"

But today she really has pissed me off. She's been on the phone most of the day slagging him off, saying how its over and she's going to leave and feels like hiring a hitman etc etc!!! She then said "I'll meet you at the top of your street in 10 minutes" I said "ok".

so 10 minutes goes, I go to the top of my street and stand there. 5 minutes goes by, 10 minutes goes by ... I checked my watch, saw I was going to be late so started walking towards school ... who did I see at the school gates? her with her bloody husband!! she looked at me, COMPLETELY blanked me ... and then as she collected her DD she put her homework folder over her face and mouthed "sorry" and laughed. I was stood like an idiot waiting for her. No text or anything.

AIBU here? I'm trying to be a good friend but my patience is really wearing thin.

He's not violent towards her btw so I don't understand all this submissive shit she does.

She is a loony.

Drive on.

it sounds utterly exhausting - all the drama

distance yourself

If she calls/texts you on your mobile, ignore it.

When your phone rings at home, leave it to ring, tell your other friends or family to give you 3 rings first before you phone, so you can tell it's not her iyswim.

they phone not you phone.

some people thrive om the drama and cant live without it,i would distance myself and let her get on with it,if its not this current drama it will be another one.

I know someone like this.

She endlessly goes on about her horrible husband. It is so effing boring after a while.

How weird indeed. YANBU. She is odd. And a crap friend.

I don't think her behaviour is weird. I think it is sad and worrying and you need to decide if you want to hang in there and try and help or just cut loose.

Leave it. She's a taker. Not worth it imo.

agree with napster she sounds like she is very scared of her husband he sounds very controlling how do you know he isnt volent?

Her behaviour is very odd and drama queenish but it sounds like something might be going on so perhaps worth digging - DV isn't always about physical violence.

She sounds like she needs help, and sounds like he is very controlling and also wants his cake and weat it.

Have you tried talking to her about any of these issues?

There is more going on than you know. She could have been all ready to meet you and then he suddenly said that he was coming along.
She can't tell him anything, at least she said sorry. I think the giggle is to do with nerves.
She might be annoying but you really need to still keep in touch.
Maybe invite her yourself and make sure the husband knows (girly lunchtime meal) so maybe then she will open up to you out of his earshot.

Either she is a fantasist and is trying to get your sympathy and attention by making up stories and dramatic situations OR needs help to get out of/sort out her marriage.

We don't know her, and noone really knows what goes on in another person's marriage, so I think you need to try and have a serious one on one chat with her, because that is very odd behaviour

What Lizylou says. Could be either.

MIL had a neighbour once who was totally paranoid, convinced her dh was carrying on with a young local girl though the poor bloke was in remission from prostate cancer and really didn't look like he'd be up to much hanky panky. She was convinced that strange cars were stopping outside of theirs in the night and he was having passionate sex downstairs while she was asleep.

Otoh we have plenty of threads with wives with controlling/abusive husbands.

I have a friend who is a bit of a fantasist in the ways that you describe. I myself am questionning if it's worth carrying on being friends, but I do care, as you obviously do. It's heartbreaking when you spend a whole evening and night worrying about something that she has told you, only for it to have been forgotten or suddenly all ok the next morning.
What do you think is the next step with your friendship?

So "he'd hit the roof" if she got a job, he had a go at her for not telling him she went into town.
She won't tell him the real reason she went because of guilt, which is the same reason she gave for not going out without him: she's scared of what his reaction will be.
It also seems she couldn't meet you because hee husband intervened in some way - whether he was conscious of it or not - and she didn't feel able to insist on meeting you.
She did apologise to you but in a way which understandably seemed disingenuous due to her laughter, but it may have been a nervous laugh, or a laugh to "normalise" a situation between her and her DH, which she may be aware is actually not normal at all.

I'd say she was in a controlling relationship but also that you need to make her fully aware of this and give her an ultimatum rather than either just leaving it, or leaving the friendship.
I know you've done a lot already but that much is fair, I think.

I agree with NPAM.

I'd also consider giving her the womens aid website as that puts across the reality of abuse being about far mroe than violence- this is ringing massive alarm bells, and my friend does the laughing bit and all the rest- and has now got a DV anic alarm / on waiting list for specialsecure husing / visits from DV team. Oh yes and laughingly lets the bastard into her home when he's around.

It sounds as though he abuses her in some way

It sounds as though he abuses her in some way