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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so cross and upset that i'm about to cry?

26 replies

Mimsy2000 · 19/03/2009 12:10

DH has been out of the country for a week and is due home today. I have been on my own with a 5 month old baby who is not sleeping and on nursing strike and a toddler who's been ill. I'm exhausted and have missed DH [and his help too] desperately.

MIL offered to pick up toddler from nursery today but I texted her at 8am saying thanks but no thanks, he was staying home today. She responded and said 'ok'.

Several hours later I finally get out of the house with children fed, dressed to go by lunch at shops and get ready for DH return; we were making an event of it. Phone rang several times while getting ready but I ignored because it takes us ages and ages to get out of house and it was just another distraction. As we were leaving the house MIL comes out and says 'you didn't get my message?'...from 5 minutes ago.

Anyway, without asking she has now come in and made herself at home. My vision of greeting my DH home with me and the kids is dashed, as was my plan to get them to nap together and me and DH get some much needed alone time.

I am so pissed off and upset that I can barely type and I feel like crying. Am I being unreasonable? Because I think it's so incredibly rude of MIL to invade without permission and I don't think a phone message with 5 minutes elapsed time qualifies as permission.

I have screamed all this on the phone to DH who is in a taxi and he thinks i'm being over the top and he doesn't get it and is also saying that if I really feel that way I should say something to her. Me having to call her up on her total rudeness further annoys me?

Argh. Sorry this is long. sniff...

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 19/03/2009 12:12

I can see you are annoyed. And I can also imagine you must be disappointed.

But it is her son and she presumably wants to see him asap. I think thoughtless rather than rude.

And I also think that your poor DH may have been a little taken aback at such a homecoming greeting

Let it go. Just let it go.

StealthPolarBear · 19/03/2009 12:13

YANBU but I'm not sure how you could phrase this to your MIL
It is rude though - assuming you don't want any family time together

PuppyMonkey · 19/03/2009 12:14

Well, she's definitelty being a bit thoughtless but I'm sure she probably didn't mean any harm and just wanted to see your dh too. You're probably just a bit overwrought and tired. Look on the bright side, he's coming back. Yay!

You could always ask her to babysit while you and him go out tonight..

brettgirl2 · 19/03/2009 12:15

I think that your MIL is out of order and I would be cross. However, it would help you to calm down so that you can get rid of her firmly and politely. Having a go at DH was maybe a touch unreasonable.

Original poster
Mimsy2000 · 19/03/2009 12:16

yes, dh said he was wondering if there was anywhere else he could go after our talk

i think the stress of this week off has culminated into this event so maybe i'm a bit over the top ,but i'm still really pissed off. it's like i'm just here to look after the babies, i'll fade into the back now...

OP posts:
Seeline · 19/03/2009 12:16

Poor you - you're tired and emotional, and the last thing you need is your MIL hanging about. But hey she's there so make use of her! Leave her with the kids while you go and do your shopping and then just get on with your cooking or whatever. How about a nice relaxing bath? If you make full use of her she might not be so keen to dump herself on you without any notice! Enjoy your evening with DH and try to forget about her

Notquitegrownup · 19/03/2009 12:18

and for you. It's horrible having your plans rearranged in that way, particularly when you are tired and coping with two little ones on your own too.

It this part of a bigger issue of insensitivity on MIL's part? Or is it an unfortunate wrecking of your plans which she didn't know about?

If you usually have a good relationship with your MIL - she sometimes picks up your toddler from nursery for example - I would suggest that you either say nicely that you were hoping for a quiet day with dh, or take a deep breath and put it down as one of those things which happen when you have little ones. She's forgotten how it feels to have tiny ones, and how the promise of an hour alone with your dh is special - you will get other times together. It just doesn't feel like it atm!

StealthPolarBear · 19/03/2009 12:18

I find it a bit odd that MIL would want to see him so urgently. Yes he's her son, but he's an adult and only been away a week. Does she usually see him often?

brettgirl2 · 19/03/2009 12:18

I dunno seeline - no job is too grisly for my MIL. FWIW Mimsy I regularly react to things in the way that you have described!

spectacular · 19/03/2009 12:19

Can you diffuse the stress a little by jokingly saying to MIL - I hope you are not planning on hanging around for long when DH gets back, as we have plans (wink) for when teh children are napping over lunch!

MmeLindt · 19/03/2009 12:20

I can understand you being angry, she could have waited till tomorrow. Would your MIL look after the DC for an hour so that you and your DH could go out for coffee?

KingCanuteIAm · 19/03/2009 12:20

Mimsy, that is your take on it, no-one else has said they thnk you are just there for the kids! Why don't you call your dh back and say sorry for getting over - emotional but that you were really looking forward to time with him as it has been tough so could he please just get MIL to leave after 30mins/hour or whatever you can stand so tha you can be on your own with him.

TBH, it just sounds like you need a really big hug from your husband and that is not unreasonable.

basementbear · 19/03/2009 12:20

Yes, she was being really thoughtless, but obviously wanted to see her son too. Couldn't you have explained that it wasn't convenient right now and asked her to come round a bit later? I'm assuming she doesn't live that far away and hasn't just had a huge journey to get to you.

ginnny · 19/03/2009 12:21

Why didn't you ask MIL to stay with the dc while you went to do the shopping in peace.
She obviously wants to help so I'd take her up on it.
Surely you and DH can spend some quality time together later when dc are in bed.
Or am I being thick?

zanz1bar · 19/03/2009 12:21

Sounds like your at the end of your tether. Take advantage of MIL, get her to baby sit while you and dp go out and get some time together even if its just a walk around the block.
She probably can't see the way she is pushing in.
Don't let it and her spoil your day, its not Dh fault its his mothers.

Monty27leprachaun · 19/03/2009 12:22

Why don't you ask MIL to take dc's out so you and dh can have time together. [evil grin]

StealthPolarBear · 19/03/2009 12:24

Can she really be that desperate to see him? It's only been a week!

AnyFucker · 19/03/2009 12:24

get MIL to babysit while you and dh go out in this lovely springtime weather

go out for lunch or for a walk in the country/by the river/to the beach, whatever

if she just turns up like that, she can say hello to her precious darling boy then make herself useful

oh, and get off your dh's case, don't spoil the homecoming

frumpygrumpy · 19/03/2009 12:30

You are worn out and exhausted and that makes us say and feel stuff we wouldn't normally. If you weren't so worn out you wouldn't be quite as worked up about it all. But..............MIL is being a PITA who can't take no for an answer. She should wait to be invited.

I think you might need to find a way to get it through to her that this afternoon is family time. Could you try "so, what are you up to this afternoon?" or make her a cuppa now and then in a bit you can say "would you like another cup of tea before you go". Its just the right side of subtle.

Try to whisper an apology to DH when he gets in, he's not to blame. He doesn't know how hard you were trying to make it special.

Nekabu · 19/03/2009 12:31

I think you're being rather mean to your MIL and to have given your DH a welcome home earbashing before he'd even got out of the taxi.

Your MIL probably guessed from you saying your toddler was staying at home that he was ill (or you may have said when you spoke to her) and has probably come over to give you a bit of a hand so that you can spend time with your dh. Plus he's her son so I expect she'll be pleased to see him too. Why don't you ask her to babysit after you've all had a chance to catch up and go out somewhere nice, just the two of you.

Original poster
Mimsy2000 · 19/03/2009 12:31

oh god. thanks so much for the feedback. i don't feel like such a freak. i think everyone's comments are pretty close to the mark.

i am clearly at the end of my tether.

have texted hubby and said sorry for overreacting.

thanks again. feel all warm and fuzzy [now that i've moved the bile over.]

OP posts:
Monty27leprachaun · 19/03/2009 12:31

Ohmigod, maybe MIL and dh hatched a plan for a surprise lunch out with just you and him!

Nekabu · 19/03/2009 12:33

Mimsy2000, I'm not surprised you're at the end of your tether; it sounds like you've had a hell of a week!

Deeeeeep breath and I hope you get to go out somewhere lovely with your dh whilst your MIL babysits!

Hux · 19/03/2009 12:34

Why didn't you just say you had plans and that as much as it was nice to see her would she mind popping back later/tomorrow? When she asks 'what plans' just say some family time together.

When she says 'well can't i stay' say ' well yes normally of course you could but today the kids haven't seen their dad and i would like us to spend some family time together'.

Getting angry will cause your husband to not know what to do and will make you even madder. saying you don't want her there in the nicest way possible and letting her get in the grump is the way forward - no one can argue with 'family time' and if they do your husband will have the problem with her and not you!

I can understand why you're angry but i think if you haven't told her to poke off nicely or even rudely you should really only be angry at yourself. We all know she knows she shouldn't be there but she will stay if you don't call her on it.

Nabster · 19/03/2009 12:34

I think screaming at your husband, while I understand the disappointment, means it is probably irrelevant whether his mother is there or not as he will be too stressed to have any quality alone time with you.