to be so annoyed with dh?

[debs40]

Right, this is my gripe!

DH is lovely, laid back, kind and will do anything if you ask him. BUT, he never thinks about doing anything himself.

We have been married for 15 years and have two sons. He has always been the same.

At the moment he is out at work from 7-7 and so things have got worse.

I work from home and do a PhD part-time. DS 2 goes into nursery three times a week but I work around school hours.

I do all school and nursery drop-offs and collections. I do all the shopping and cleaning. I organise all the birthday parties, presents for family birthdays, holidays, shop for the kids, shop for shoes, do our finances, do his company finances and books, do all the kids? meals (which is really hard as DS1 has problems with food), tea dates, DIY, garden etc etc everything around school hours.

To top it all DS1 is seeing a paediatrician next week as he has lots of issues with food and clothes (tactile sensitivity). It can take an hour to dress him for school and we have lots of meltdowns about food etc. He is often late for school and with a 3 year old in tow this can be very stressful. They think it might be dyspraxia.

Oh and I have a profoundly disabled brother who has just moved 300 miles into sheltered accommodation near us who I have to look after!

I really had a go at Dh last night as I was talking to him about all this and he fell asleep at about 10.30 because he was tired. Yes, I know, he has a long commute and works long hours but I do everything else. When I say this, he gets all defensive. He knows a job nearer us would help but I have to chase him to keep looking.

He is too laid back and I?m too driven. But then I have to be!

Suggestions for a way forward without more arguments welcomed!

Delegate specific jobs to him?

bloody annoying - you BOTH work long hours, it's just that your work is a bit more spread around.

Sit him down for a chat and have a list ready of everything you do, so he has to confront reality. Then divide up the tasks between you.

I'd stop buying presents for his relatives and make sure he takes on some responsibility for housework/chores etc. etc.

Mmh, If this is what you guys have been doing for fifteen years you might have to introduce the terms with some candles and wine if you're going to avoid an argument. Men, bless them aren't the most perceptive of creatures - he probably needs help to realise your work burden has blossomed while his has stayed constant.

Get the candles out, and the wine, maybe even some lingerie (!), surprise him ( even if you're asleep on the table when he gets home - he'll still be surprised and he might just understand what you're trying to tell him.

the new terms - sorry small error!

My DH is much the same. I'm on a career break at the moment, however when I return to work late next year things will have to change so I'm trying to tackle it just now.

Just like you my DH will do anything if I ask but I really dont think I should have to point things out. What annoys me the most is holidays, birthdays and Christmas. He leaves it all up to me. This year I have organised nothing for the holidays as I'm just so sick and tired of making all the decisions. Even when it comes to the boys birthdays I have to decide what to get them and organise the celebrations. I often feel like a single mum to be honest. I would love DH to take more responsibility and show more initiative especially when it comes to financial and educational matters.

This year I have started to let things go a bit instead of trying to do it all. I have left certain things up to him and if he doesn't do them I dont step in unless it effects the children.

I've got friends like you and it never ceases to amaze me that highly intelligent PhD level women choose selfish lazy arsed men to procreate with.

He needs for you to write him a joblist.

My DH is the same sort of person - reactive rather than proactive - can't look around and see what needs doing, has to be asked/told to do it. If he has nothing on his joblist he will revert to couchpotato mode instantly.

I was thinking of starting up a course in Teaching Men to Be Aware of Things That Need to Be Done - whaddya think?

fairynuff for fifteen years the poor s*d has been allowed to be this way. He's a man, how can he be expected to realise the goal posts are suddenly shifting?!

My DH is the same. He is wonderful and he devotes himself to the children at weekends but he just doesn't get it! He works long hours but in a way his job is his sole focus which I am quite envious of. I work 4 days a week (we both earn the same wage so there is not disparity in income etc..) but I am the one worrying at night about everything and tyring to squeeze everything in. I do all the child care all the bills all the school applications etc.. all the organisation all the cleaning etc.. I even just wrote and posted a Mother's Day card for his Mum! Sometimes I get so angry I write mental lists of what I do versus him just to check I am not being unreasonable. I don't know if it is a male thing where they just don't see over-flowing wash baskets and I am so tightly wound to wan't everything under control or whether I have inadvertently picked up where his Mummy left off and have taken on a "third child" who I coddle! (Probably the latter - my MIL does everything for my PIL I wouldn't be surprised if she wipes his bum)...I know it is my fault for letting it get this way but don't really know how to change it. DH gets very defensive if I ask him to do anyting at weekends and i get hacked off that I have to ask him!

I don't see that you are driven and he is laid back tbh.

My husband is out of the house 7.45-6.30 every day but between 6.45-7.45 and 6.30 until the kids go to bed he does what needs to be done with the kids.

He sees what needs doing and does it, plus anything else I ask him to do.

I don't think having a go at him will help.

Talk to him calmly, remind him you have a lot on and are a team and if he feels he can't do what he should be doing, then he needs to pay for it.

I don't think it's because he's a man - my dh is in charge of polishing hoovering and tidying, we both do the laundry (though he'll spot a busting laundry basket faster than I will) and I cook. The two kids are mine and we both work long and variable shifts. It works!

I don't think it's just because he is male but there do seem to be a lot of men like this - several of whom are married to friends of mine.
Having said that - I also have friends where the DH is the primary cleaner/organiser.

I've got friends like you and it never ceases to amaze me that highly intelligent PhD level women choose selfish lazy arsed men to procreate with.

I'm astounded at that comment tbh. The man works 12 hours a day! You can hardly call him lazy and selfish.

Mmmm Fairynuff I think you were only commenting yesterday that you have a very cynical view of people and deeply resent those who are prepared to put themselves out for you as you wouldn't do it yourself and so doubt their motives. So, I'll leave your comment to one side if you don't mind!

Moving on....Dh does put the kids to bed as soon as he comes home and he has them at the weekend when I go to the gym or work.He just doesn't have any overview of what needs to be done. If I asked him to do anything he would do it, but he needs to be asked.

His job situation is precarious. He was made reduncant about a year and a half ago and has contracted ever since. I think he does worry about the weight of our finances resting on him (we can't get a mortgage while he contracts) whereas I would rather he earn less and be just down the road!

I think you are dead right - a job list is the way forward and a calm talk about 'team work'. I don't want to be shouting at him all the time

And I've just written his bloody mother's Mother's Day card out too...so that's stopping!

Ta all

While I totaly agree your DH needs a kick up the backside could I direct your attention to the other thread on the subject of DHs and lists.

I suggest a list of tasks is really not the way forward and nagging defnitley not. It just upsets us blokes - it snot that we ar eunwilling its just we forget. You need a more subtle means of encouragement. I suggest 'choccie biccies' and bonsoir suggests 'chocolate drops'.

DH lists

No to the job lists!! They're not children!

Just read the thread and oh I say!!! Now that would work

well come on then - if not lists, what DO you suggest for men who can't think about/see what needs doing? Just do it all myself? Keep telling him to do it? Get a paid man in to do it who won't be all upset about being asked to do something to help out?

Actually the list thing works for my DH because it gives him something to work to. His list is not like the one on that other thread (daily reminders) just a list of specific jobs.

Sorry the lazy arsed men comment was a bit harsh. Didn't necessarily mean about the OP but having read many of these kind of threads and I know lots of these couples I still wonder why we (and I include myself) put up with it.

(debs40 - stop bullying me I don't DEEPLY resent - I said 'slightly' and I explained why in (I thought) an honest way. Just trying to put my tuppence into the debate - I thought that was what we were here for?)