when DS19 says he will not put the rubbish out because he doesn't want to

[purepurple]

that I don't have to cook his tea or do his washing because "I don't want"?

It's okay if you just need to let off steam

But really I think you are enabling a lazy so-and-so to persist in the path of laziness. And I don't think you should. It's bad for you, your future daughter in law and your grandchildren ...

he pays £40 a week
I am thinking of putting it up
I could probably get much more for his room from a lodger and I wouldn't have to cook or do his washing

pmsl that he will ever get married
I have created a monster

You could definitely get more than 40 per week from a lodger. That is peanuts. Does that include food? He probably eats more than 40 quid worth of food.

I would rather subsidise a 19 year old to live out of the home than having them in the house, but I am mean. Otherwise when are they going to get the kick up the arse confidence needed to make the leap?

Stick to your guns and be consistant,just like you had tobe when he was younger

My mum constantly cpmplains about my cousin who lived with her for a while - and she's absolutely right, he is a lazy bum, but she allows him to behave this way - I think she's finally beginning to see th elight

Why don't you

1. Print off the thread and read it to him
2. Clear out the "pit" and pack all his bags. Fumigate as required
3. Change the locks
4. Show him the door
5. Invite him back for Christmas day

See - I don't get this. My work mate has an almost 20 year old daughter who is a student but lives at home. She pays no board or lodgings, her mum (my work mate) does ALL her washing plus drives into town to pick her up at 3 am after she's been clubbing on a week night. Plus holds down a full time job.

Her daughter gets away with it because my workmate lets her. It's just shocking to me!

You need to sit down & have a Serious Talk with him - you owe it to him (not to mention his future partner)

Collect all the bills & show him how much it costs to run the house

Tell him how much you spend on food each week

Tell him how much it costs to do his laundry & how much time you spend on that, cooking & shopping

Divide all the costs by the number of adults in the house & charge him that much for his share

If he agrees to pay it you don't have to keep it all, you could put it away for him when he wants to move into his own place, but don't tell him that - just make him aware of how much it costs to run a house.

And teach him how to cook a few basics

oh, and make sure he has a share of the regular chores - not just the bins, he could do some hoovering, clean the bathroom & his own room, & you can show him how to do grocery shopping (what to buy, what not to buy, how to read labels etc).

I know I need to do all of that but his communication skills involve grunts and mumbles with the odd "What?" shouted loudly.

so? Stop doing his washing. Just stop it now

Either that or carry on but quit moaning.

He knows he's got you right where he wants you and he's got you there because you let him.

You're making feeble excuses here, PP

You can use sign language to point to the door and put his suitcase in his hand and deliver a large shove. He will get the message.

I will have to be harder on him
and then i can start on DH

right, where's that list?

Bravo PP

Stick to your guns. Sort them out one at a time.

PP I would prepare a list of things he needs to do around the house without needing to be nagged to death reminded, but what I would say to him is 'DS, I understand that you are so tired when you come home, that it is difficult for you to do household things, so instead of you paying your paltry board and me nagging at you to do things for me, it would be much easier for me to do all these things for you... so from now on, being a 'lodger' here will cost you x per week, so much easier that way isn't it DS ' then when he coughs and splutters, give him the list and tell his 'this is the alternative - you choose which it is to be'

DH - if you haven't trained him by now - Good luck!!

Have you broken him in yet, PP? Is he house-trained as I type?

DH had a word with him and he has hadly spoken to me since
he has the option of

1 Doing more around the house

2 Moving out and fending for himself

I did think he would say sorry but I think he is feeling too sheepish

I am expecting a decent present on Sunday to compensate

DD is hoping the outcome is the second option as ahe wamts his room

he pays board money, not a cleaning lady and cook.

Either

a) increase board money to going rate and add cleaning and cooking fees
b) as he is a money earning grown up you can suggest he finds himself a flat share or bedsit
c) dont increase his board money, but stop cooking his tea and do his washing, buy a laundry basket he can keep in his room.

oh X post, took me a while to type that....

QS, I did consider doing a) but I don't want him to think he can pay more money and 'buy' me. If you see what I mean.

I favour doing c) and he has a laundry basket already, so we are ready to go!

I totally agree, I wouldnt want to be bought, but it could be used to counter his argument that he is paying. He isnt paying for YOU but for his room. And if you DID want to continue doing these things, you might as well be paid for it, if you should want to.

I am also in favour of C (or maybe B ??) if I were in your position, I think.

yes i got this a lot when my son first started work.

i told him to either pull his weight or fuck off and live somewhere else then.

but when he was workng a hard day (building indusrty) and i was working too - i recognised that his work must be physically demanding and made him a cup of tea when he came in.

i dont make other people brews so its a great honour!

might be easier to say emptying the kitchen bin, recycling and putting out/bringing back bins for bin men - is your job yours not your only job - but this i give to you - so there is no confusion.