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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told DH that if I don't get 10 minutes to myself I'm going to explode!

17 replies

YaddaYaddaYadda · 18/03/2009 19:25

I think I'm probably being an unreasonable bitch and am going to have to apologise... but DD has been grizzly all day and thrown a couple of spectacular temper tantrums and all I wanted was a break while DH gave her a bath but he just kept calling me and asking me questions or asking me to get things he'd forgotten. Then I was trying to put DD to bed and he came in just when I'd got her in her cot calm and happy to ask where the chicken was so he could make dinner and I had to go and find it for him (in the fridge but behind something which he couldn't possibly have moved for himself!) so then I told him that he and DD were doing my head in and I needed 10 mins to myself and he slunk off in a sulk...

OP posts:
mrsmaidamess · 18/03/2009 19:26

He needs to grow up. You need to go out.

naturalblonde · 18/03/2009 20:31

Sounds like my dh. I left him with our 2 dd's for 45 mins while I went to the doctors, after 30 mins he texted me telling me to hurry up and when I got back he said

'don't leave me alone with them again'

They're 6mo and 2.6, and dd2 cried for a bit.

It's pretty poor when your only time away from the kids is to have your coil checked and even that gets interrupted!

Thankyouandgoodnight · 18/03/2009 20:37

YANBU - completely understandable and he clearly needs to experience them on their own on a more regular basis, to understand how INFURIATING it is that when you're on a promise of 10 minutes to yourself while your partner does the bath, that you have to then run around like their PA.

thisisyesterday · 18/03/2009 20:39

you aren't being unreasonable at all.
I still fail to understand why men can't just get on and do things without having to keep asking questions.

actually, I stormed out the other sunday when they were all doing my head in and just went shopping. with my phone off.
it was bliss. although I did feel a teeny bit guilty.

it drives me MAD when dp claims not to know how to do things, or that he doesn't know where things are.
I mean, he has lived with these children for as long as I have, in this house. nothing has ever changed. ffs

DontlookatmeImshy · 18/03/2009 20:48

yanbu. I've been there but the more you leave them, the more they (dh's) get used to it and the easier it gets for them and you. One of my regular retorts at the moment when dh can't deal with more than one thing at a time wants help is "Well how do you think I manage when i'm on my own"

LuLuBai · 18/03/2009 21:01

Yadda - You are being utterly reasonable. But it is very hard for a dad who hasn't done the full time parent bit to have any comprehension how important 10 minutes alone can be for your sanity.

Create a regular bit of you time. For example from the outset I claimed Saturday morning as a quiet bathtime for myself - in theory I shut the door, get a moment to shave my armpits and other such exciting things and if I am really lucky flick through a magazine while floating in the bubbles. Increasingly they are forgetting that this is me time though. Last Saturday DH came and sat in the bathroom and read my magazine while DD played with the bubbles in my bath .

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 18/03/2009 21:42

Buy your DD a copy of this and make DH read it to her until they both get the message.

beanieb · 18/03/2009 21:43

He sounds great compared to some, at least he was making dinner.

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 18/03/2009 21:45

Have I strayed into Victorian Mumsnet or is there some reason why a an able-bodied adult might not be making dinner?

solidgoldbrass · 18/03/2009 21:50

In quite a lot of cases, the reason why men do this is because they think their female partners are service mechanisms and that having a penis means they are more important and therefore don't have to do any childcare or domestic work. If they do get asked to do childcare or domestic work, they will do it badly and ask lots of stupid questions deliberately, the idea being to convince the woman that it's easier and less annoying to do it all herself, because after all, that's what she's for.

beanieb · 18/03/2009 21:52

"Have I strayed into Victorian Mumsnet or is there some reason why a an able-bodied adult might not be making dinner?" on here this inability is often explained away by 'well he works and my job is in the house' so compared to some experiences on here this one seems to be at least making an effort.

TheCrackFox · 18/03/2009 22:02

Great post from SGB there. She sums it up in one paragraph when it would have taken me 10.

beanieb · 18/03/2009 22:10

not all men are this calculating. Perhaps some women are just particularly bad at choosing decent men to father their children and be their partner?

ChippingIn · 18/03/2009 22:11

LGP - just what I was thinking!!

OP - of course you're being an unreasonable bitch!! LMAO. YANBU. They really are a species apart aren't they!! FFS it's not hard to bath a toddler without a fecking instruction booklet and it doesn't require an army of explorers to find chicken in the fridge, for crying out loud, most of them only have 4 bloody shelves!!

Go out more and let him 'learn' to look after DD by himself (she will survive it!!).

Good Luck with the revamped training programme!!

Thankyouandgoodnight · 18/03/2009 22:21

DH has just accused me (again) of seeing my children as a burden to take care of. I asked him why on earth he keeps saying that and what makes him think that I feel that way. His reason today is because I have tried to arrange to go out for some vino with a girlfriend on a night where I know the kids are in nursery the next day or it's the weekend (I have a nocturnal BF 8 month old and a 2 year old). His 2nd example was that I have said that I need to find things for them to do and sound annoyed...... Please tell me I'm not mad and that I am infact totally normal?? I say such things on average about once a week I would say and they are casually said as I mentally work through the day / week to find stuff that we will all enjoy.

solidgoldbrass · 18/03/2009 22:31

No matter how much we love our DC there are times when looking after them, the sheer endlessness and repetition of it, does feel like a bit of a burden and we need a break. How muchfree time does he think he is entitled to compared to how much leisure time you have?

Jackaroo · 19/03/2009 07:25

In my house this is called the "Butter Problem". First noted in my younger DB, but frequently found examples in DH since then..

DB - aged, late 20's...
"Where's the butter?"

Me - In the fridge.

DB - where in the fridge

Me - Probably on the second shelf.

DB - Where on the second shelf?

Most recent DH Example...(putting DS to bed)

Where is DS's Blankie?

Probably in his room ...

It's NOT there!!!!!!!!!!!!

In his nursery bag?

Where is his nursery bag...?????

and I know my DH is one of the good ones

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