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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to still feel upset at being let down and have mug on my forehead?

20 replies

SILBother · 18/03/2009 13:39

Namechanged just in case!
I am a SAHM with 1 DC who is 2, so have no childcare and have never needed to ask SIL for help before. About 6 months ago my Mum ended up suddenly in Intensive care and my DH asked my MIL and SIL if they could help out all while I was obviously at the hospital and going through the most horrendous experience of my life. MIL said yes and managed a few 'sessions' while I was at the hospital
However, SIL is also a sahm and was 6 months pregnant ( no complications) and had a 3 year old DC herself. She said no as she thought it would be too difficult to look after 2 children.

I was really at this as I have looked after her DC on a number of occasions which isn't really the issue ( just elaborating) and thought that when times were desperate for someone you would want to help out. So on top of the nightmare of my Mum being so ill I had to try and work out how I could fit in visits and also felt really let down.

Fast forward to now and I have been asked to look after SIL DC while she goes shopping! I am happy to do this as I want to see the children, but can't help feeling upset with the one way street and wish I could just let it go.

OP posts:

compo · 18/03/2009 13:40

I'd tell her how pissed off you wre tbh as resentment will just grow and grow

nomoreamover · 18/03/2009 13:42

tell her no sorry - you couldn't manage my DC so I can;t manage yours...simple as

and WTF to saying she couldn't manage two kids when she clearly is a few months off havign two kids of her own??!!!

fizzpops · 18/03/2009 13:47

at her being pregnant and thinking it would be difficult looking after 2 kids... poetic justice? or perhaps she is just being a selfish cow.

If she asks again just say, 'Great cos I want to go shopping on such and such a day so we can do each other a favour!'. Watch her try and back out, oh and make sure your shopping trip comes first!

Original poster

SILBother · 18/03/2009 13:47

Compo, you are right the resentment is growing as I would rather get things of my chest but I know it would cause alot of problems. Part of the problem is I hate feeling like this without telling her iyswim.

And I thought the same as you nomoreamover, she was going to have 2 to get used to very soon!

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Lulumama · 18/03/2009 13:50

you have to say somethingm in a a calm and planned way or you will jsut scream at her one day!

tell her you loved having her DCs and it is lovely to be close to your nephews/nieces BUT you feel upset that when you needed her help wihth your child, under awful circumstances , she did not feel able to help.

she will either realise she was totally out of order and apologise or get v v defensive. but it is better for oyu to get it off your chest

Original poster

SILBother · 18/03/2009 13:54

ooh I know you are all so right but...I am not usually such a wuss but because at the time I was having such a difficult time juggling care for my Mum when she finally came out of hospital and also my DC I didn't feel up to it and it is always more difficult with the IL's. We are more of a have it out family.

OP posts:

Original poster

SILBother · 18/03/2009 14:12

Hope I haven't killed my own thread!

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 18/03/2009 14:15

fizzpops is spot on - great idea!

TheCrackFox · 18/03/2009 14:30

Just tell her no, it would be too difficult to look after 2 DCs. Don't explain, apologise etc.

ChippingIn · 18/03/2009 14:39

How is your Mum now?

SIL is very selfish, and like you, I would still be pissed off annoyed with her. She should have done the decent thing and helped you out when you needed help, it wasn't like you were going shopping!

I would do it (as you say, to see the children and it's nice for all the children to see each other), but be about even being asked, all considered.

If she is anything like my SIL you'll be wasting your breath telling her that you are upset about her not helping out when you needed her to and it will just cause more 'family hassle'. I would definitely let MIL know I'd had her children though and would probably get a dig in (fine for me to help her out so she can go shopping, pity she couldn't do the same for me when my Mum was in hospital isn't it), but it's probably not the most adult constructive way of dealing with it .

Tommy · 18/03/2009 14:43

I would second what fizzpops said. Yes, by all means, look after her children but only if she refuses to return the favour would I get involved in telling her how you felt about her not doing it before.

Arcadie · 18/03/2009 14:54

Hmmmmm SILBother Are you actually me posting under a different name? Our stories have a fair few differences but also a lot of similarities. Mostly on the how we feel bad that we're bottling up negative thoughts.

I don't have any advice to offer I'm afraid or I'd probably be doing it rather than feeling cross about the times when she's not "played fair". I have loved reading other's advice and like you, wish I could take it.

How about a pact - if you tell your SIL about how you were upset a la Lulumama ( Who seems to have the calmest most peacekeeping head on her), I'll tell mine!?

Original poster

SILBother · 18/03/2009 14:55

Mum is really good now thanks chipping in. We were very lucky and it has made me appreciate her even more

Your ideas have been great, would love to try the don't think I could cope with 2 line but have had her DC and my own so many times already and also swapping favours.. can just imagine her face

I must admit, I was worried about posting because I thought you would all say that it was too much for her to cope with and that I was Bu in asking her. I thought that perhaps I shouldn't have felt so let down by her. so it's reassuring to know that I am not the only one that thinks she was being selfish.

I am finding it difficult to just let it go but at the same time feeling that I am unable to speak to her about it.

OP posts:

Original poster

SILBother · 18/03/2009 15:02

Sorry cross posted with you Arcadie! Wish I was you posting under another name, then we could knock our heads together and stop being taken advantage of! Have you found it difficult with your SIL and talking to her because she's an IL iyswim?

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EdwardBear · 18/03/2009 16:32

You can get your point across nicely without having to have an argument or upset her.
Call her now and say 'A friend of mine just called and she is in town on x day next week. Would you mind having my DCs for me please?

and just say that. Nothing else. She will probably feel she has to say yes (and then you are back on equal footing and she will either start doing her fair share or she will stop using you going forward)
If she doesnt say yes then ask why. Change the date if she says she has plans that day. Keep changing the date until she admits she is free or ask her when she will be free to have the Dcs.
If she says that it will be too much for her, just laugh and say 'Dont be daft, I do it all the time, its fine! I'll drop them off at 2'

Original poster

SILBother · 18/03/2009 17:42

Thanks edwardBear, I must admit that I have been put off asking her again, she has never offered to return the favour when I have looked after her Dc and after she wouldn't help when I needed it most I figured she obviously didn't want to look after her nephew and I don't want him being looked after by someone who doesn't want to iyswim. She has never made much of an effort with him anyway and I have sort of got used to that and I only asked when I was desperate.

OP posts:

EdwardBear · 18/03/2009 18:03

Why dont you give her the benefit of the doubt?
It was a shitty thing for her to do, no question, but I do know when I just had DS1 and I was pregnant with DS2 I was so so tired and miserable and only just about able to cope with one childs tantrums (he was at that age!). I have found having two children much easier than one and a bump!
Of course if someone in your situation had asked me for help I would have done it, but I would have struggled with it.
Mayeb she's embarrassed now or feels that seeing as you dont ask, you dont actually want her to have the kids? Maybe she thinks you have other friends or family that help you?
As long as you dont think she'll be rubbish at looking after your kids, just give it a go for a couple of hours one day.
Enjoy the free time and then you'll have that little bit extra peace of mind that she will have the kids for you in the future if you really need her to?
Good luck!

nametaken · 18/03/2009 18:07

Say "yes, I'll look after your child while you shop even though you refused to look after mine while my mother was dying" that ought to shock her.

Original poster

SILBother · 18/03/2009 18:14

You are probably right edwardbear. I should give her the opportunity to make up for it now. May ask, and get back to you on whether she did it! You were spot on though when you said you would have struggled, but done it. That's how I feel about it. I have struggled to understand how you could say no in this situation and not even acknowledge it directly. I think it is time to move on and move forward with yours and others' suggestions.
Thank you

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Original poster

SILBother · 18/03/2009 18:16

I am so slow at typing missed your post nametaken. That's what I felt like doing and why I am upset today because that's exactly what I have felt like doing but unable to do it, hence the long drawn out op and subsequent replies!

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