Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that when you apologise it shouldn't be thrown in your face?

24 replies

boingyboing · 18/03/2009 12:30

I moaned at husband for being late - beyond his abilities to do anything, bus was late, and it made me late for going to the gym...the only time I get time to myself.

When I came home I apologised immediately with a kiss, and I really meant it. I was way out of order.

Is it wrong when this then has to be discussed for several hours about how terrible I am, until I feel like a desperately pathetic excuse for a human being?

OP posts:
Cicatrice · 18/03/2009 12:34

Does this always happen if you apologise?

Original poster
boingyboing · 18/03/2009 12:36

Often. Am I doing something wrong here?

OP posts:
theDreadPiratePerArdua · 18/03/2009 12:38

No - he is. What happens if he does something wrong (other than badgering you for hours that is)?

Hawkmoth · 18/03/2009 12:39

He is. He either forgives you or doesn't. Belittling you is NOT an option.

Original poster
boingyboing · 18/03/2009 12:42

I don't want to sound too biased here, but often, I either don't say anything about it, or if I do, or if he realises, it is usually my fault.

Can I be that bad all the time? Am I just passive aggressive as he says I am? Do I just want to "play the victim"?

I don't argue back because there is no point. It is always my fault. Mostly i believe it, but recently have been starting to wonder if I can be that terrible a person all the time.

Am I a bad person for asking this question on mumsnet?

OP posts:
Pheebe · 18/03/2009 12:42

Why do you allow it to go on hours? Tell him you're sorry, if he starts going on tell him to get over it, and carry on as normal. Sounds like passive aggressive bullying to me.

Original poster
boingyboing · 18/03/2009 12:44

But am I the passive aggressive one?

OP posts:
theDreadPiratePerArdua · 18/03/2009 12:45

If you had a go at him for being late, you're not passive-agressive. If you'd looked meaningfully at him, sighed, tutted, looked at your watch and said 'no it really doesn't matter', then you'd be passive-aggressive. Sounds like he's reading the wrong textbooks to me. Does he play the victim himself?

Original poster
boingyboing · 18/03/2009 12:49

I don't know. Maybe I did do that? Maybe I deserve a talking down? It is all so confusing. He runs rings round me and I can't keep up.

I suppose he does play the victim sometimes, because he said the other day that living with me was painful.

Was it my fault when he was physical with me?...I think I know the answer to that. I think I can't get over the one time he pushed the boundary and his physical aggression towards me made me question what is going on.

But although I suspect its not me, I still wonder whether I have driven him to being like this with me.

OP posts:
Cicatrice · 18/03/2009 12:51

He was late, you had a go at him (which was a bit OTT), you later apologised for having a go.

That should really be the end of the matter. You can be annoyed if he was late, even if it wasn't his fault.

Going over it for hours sounds a little unhinged actually.

theDreadPiratePerArdua · 18/03/2009 12:51

You haven't driven him to anything BB, and reading through this it's been growing on me that he's an unpleasant piece of work. Do you have DCs?

And can someone please link to Reality's thread on recognising abuse?

BB - read through the symptoms and see how many bells ring. Please?

theDreadPiratePerArdua · 18/03/2009 12:56

OK, found the 'listen up' thread here - take a look please?

nomoreamover · 18/03/2009 12:56

i agree BB - it sounds very unhealty to me - I think you need to have a long hard look at your relationship and whether or not it has gone toxic.....

Good luck - and yes mumsnet a good a place to start talking about it as any. We'll listen (and make plenty of comments too no doubt!)

Original poster
boingyboing · 18/03/2009 12:57

I think I do know that it was abuse when he dragged me across the room, and I think he knows that too. That was 18 months ago, and he knows I can't forget it. But I didn;t leave then, and I didn't leave when I recognised that that wasn't right.

But every day, when I have done something wrong, I question whether it actually is my fault or not. And I am so confused because maybe I am just a nasty piece of work.

He says I am "nasty nasty nasty".

Maybe he is right?

OP posts:
meemar · 18/03/2009 13:02

Your husband is an abusive controlling bully who is eroding your self esteem. If you were such a bad person why wouldn't he have left you by now?

Please get some help.

theDreadPiratePerArdua · 18/03/2009 13:03

BB - I've just found your thread from last week. Please please think very seriously about leaving this man. He is abusing you, and will harm your DC if you stay - even if 'only' mentally, the damage is there because he is not seeing you as people.

Relate and couples counselling are not suitable where one person is an abuser. Womens Aid however are. Their number is 0808 2000 247. Please call them?

nomoreamover · 18/03/2009 13:05

You have a child? Get the hell out of that relationship - you owe it to your child to get him/her out of an environment like you describe - it isn't healthy

theDreadPiratePerArdua · 18/03/2009 13:13

BB - are you still there?

FWIW, you can't be 'nasty nasty nasty' if you're worried about being the cause of this man's behaviour. He is grinding you down and removing all of your self-worth, he is beyond vile. You could be Mother Theresa and a man like that would tell you you weren't good enough.

It's not you, it's him. And you need to get yourself and your DC away from him as soon as you can. Please call Womens Aid?

Cicatrice · 18/03/2009 13:24

He dragged you across the room?

That can never be right. I think you need to contact Women's Aid.

Cicatrice · 18/03/2009 13:27

I've looked at your last week's thread. Please try to get away.

Its not going to get any better.

theDreadPiratePerArdua · 18/03/2009 13:31

BB - if you're still around, please keep posting. There's a lot of people here who will want to help you. I have to leave now, but there's plenty of women on here who can offer you much better support than I can.

Look after yourself xx

theDreadPiratePerArdua · 18/03/2009 13:32

Womens Aid - 0808 2000 247 - Please call them too.

Original poster
boingyboing · 18/03/2009 15:10

Thank you.

Sorry I was just out at playgroup earlier.

Its so hard, because I can only think that I have caused it. I sort of know that maybe I haven;t caused it but my doubts are why I'm still here.

I keep putting my head down and trying to forget about it, and most of the time its ok.

We went to a session run by women's aid together. It was very hard, and I still came away feeling like a fraud. He obviously found it hard, esp as he was the only man who showed up. I don't think he believed it applied to him.

He says I am not working on things enough, that he has made up for what he has done, but he is the only one working on the relationship. I know he is right because I gave up years ago. I told him that I could never forgive or forget what he has done and he said it is not about forgiving... I didn't really understand that bit!

I know in my heart that sometime I will leave him. But I think I have to not hate myself so much first. Its not so easy, esp with 2 kids to think about. I know that it could be more harming for them in the long run, but I can't just take his kids away.

OP posts:
Alambil · 18/03/2009 15:39

why do you hate yourself so much?

can you see a link between self-hatred and his talking to you the way he does (and the rest of it)?

Can you see that this piece of scum doesn't deserve your grace or mercy?

Can you see that leaving and starting anew will be the single most difficult thing you've done, but it will be the BEST thing you've done for yourself and your children?

Why does he deserve you keeping his kids there? They're only learning that to talk to mummy (ergo women) is like this, that women are nasty and bad and make men do silly things.... like drag you across a room.

boingy, can you see that his behaviour towards you - verbal, physical and emotional, is the driving force behind all your bad thoughts about yourself?

Do you think you'd be brave enough to ring WA and see someone ALONE to discuss the abuse and what could perhaps be done to help you?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page