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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider giving birth with only medical people with me?

20 replies

tessofthedurbervilles · 18/03/2009 08:37

Not good relations with baby's dad and as he never wanted the baby not sure if I have his full support anyway....I have got a mum who drives me mad and friends who would love to come in with me but its so personal I am the sort that feels the need to entertain, makes jokes and hate people being put out on my behalf.

OP posts:

Hawkmoth · 18/03/2009 08:41

Are you confident that you won't be left totally alone in a room when in labour? IME, the MWs are pretty busy and won't be there all the way through. You could talk to the team and see if there'll be students etc who will sit with you... this is if you can't afford/don't want a doula of course.

Sorry to hear you're in this predicament.

I had my mum with me for DD. I'm afraid I treated her like a skivvy, sending her to get people and drinks, and shouting etc. Bear in mind you won't be yourself in labour!

BonsoirAnna · 18/03/2009 08:43

You don't need anyone with you at the birth itself (I was alone with the MW) but it is very useful - necessary, even - to have someone around at the hospital to take care of your baby after the birth while you have a bath and rest etc.

Pruners · 18/03/2009 08:43

Message withdrawn

BonsoirAnna · 18/03/2009 08:43

There is no problem being alone while you are in labour btw - it's nice.

misdee · 18/03/2009 08:43

whatv abiout a doula?

Bucharest · 18/03/2009 08:53

I only had doctors and nurses. T'is the norm here.
Dp would have been useless anyway.

Rollmops · 18/03/2009 09:05

I had a planned Csection for my twins.
DH started turning a lovely shade of green while putting on his operating room scrubs and by the time he was seated on the designated 'daddy-chair' in the theatre, he was about 3 seconds from gracefully hitting the floor. Poor petal , doesn't like the bleedy stuff....
The medical team was absolutely fantastic though.

Sorrento · 18/03/2009 09:11

I was in your shoes 8 years ago in australia on my own.
The midwife never left my side throughout the whole thing.
However I did not get listened to, my birth plan wasn't ever taken out of the bag and being alone meant things were done to me rather than allowed to happen if that makes sense.
I would strongly recommend a friend or the hospital have patient avodcates I think, have somebody there who is looking out for you.

hobbgoblin · 18/03/2009 09:18

I'm in a similar position with my DP (exDP really). Very much doubt he'll have a change of heart nearer the birth but even if he does I'm working on geting myself in the frame of mind to be strong enough to say 'bugger off, you had your chance!'

It is rather sad, even if you do feel strong (probably stronger than me). I don't have family that I could or would want around me and I am not sure about friends really.

I've been fortunate enough to have had an offer from a lovely mnetter who is a maternity nurse so I do at least have an option.

Could you find a friend who could as the last minute get to you if on the day you felt you just needed someone...anyone?

In my labours I have very much zoned out and was really quite oblivious to everyone, even the midwives, except to be aware that although their conversation was getting on my nerves! That said, it would have been strangely lonely for me to be in the room on my own so do think carefully if you think yu might panic if in pain and nobody immediately at your side.

I do think these things work themselves out though.

nulgirl · 18/03/2009 09:24

When I gave birth a few months ago I always had a midwife in the room with me. DH was also there but to be honest I would prob have been happier on my own. I had a long labour and i kept on sending him out to the canteen. He wanted to help but I am prob better at coping on my own. However I had a pretty uneventful birth and could stay in control iyswim. I think if the shit had hit the fan and there was a prob/ emergency then I would have needed someone there if I wasn't able to make the decisions myself and just to give ne emotional support. My first birth was a cs and I loved having him there to hold my hand when I was scared.

Original poster

tessofthedurbervilles · 18/03/2009 09:42

Thanks for this guys, its been really helpful, at my hospital they are so understaffed and its not fair on them if I need a drink or something for them to have to do it for me....I am going to chat to my m/w and find out if they have trainee doulas / volunteers who would be happy to help for the experience or a small amount of money (exp p brought two tops for baby from mackays and offered me £50 a month so you can imagine....)

OP posts:

Pruners · 18/03/2009 10:28

Message withdrawn

oldraver · 18/03/2009 15:35

I was on my own (well DS was in the corner of the room doing his wordsearch) and all went well. I had planned on having a friend with me but I went into labour 5 weeks early and my friend was at home drinking . She did come up to the hospital with her son and mine but as the hospital was planning on sending me to another hospital, it was gone midnight and her son had to be at work early I sent her home and asked my DS to stay with the intention he be the news/info co-ordinator. He was supposed to bring my hospital bag and forgot.

In the end it was too late to transfer me, and I was on my own with midwife and gave birth an hour or so later. I would say it was ok as everything just went so quickly. I'm not sure I would of liked to of been on my own through a long labour

Galava · 18/03/2009 15:42

You will be able to do it alone especially if you are up and mobile.

I could never entertain the idea of my mum or friend being there .... it just felt not quite right for me somehow.

I almost gave birth in an ambulance, so not quite by myself but with medical staff to hand.

All went well, and I'm sure it will for you too.

hereidrawtheline · 18/03/2009 15:51

I really dont know if this is against MNetiquette so please someone correct me if it is but can you post somewhere here asking for a trainee doula to help? I think you really need and deserve one. You shouldnt have someone who will make it hard for you by any means but you will want support trust me. Think about what you can offer the doula - a glowing referance written for her to show all future prospective clients, experience, all sorts. There must be a compromise to be had.

Fairynufff · 18/03/2009 16:52

Good post Galava.

I would've happily done it by myself if my DH hadn't wanted to be there. I certainly wouldn't have just got rentacrowd friends/relatives just for the sake of having someone there.

Once the labour is in progress you won't care who is there (IME).

Good luck!

hereidrawtheline · 18/03/2009 18:11

Sorry to be the voice of pessimism here but what if it doesnt go well? I really hate to say this to a woman about to give birth but you are asking for advice Tess and this is it from me. Sometimes things go very very wrong. Sometimes you need someone to hold your hand, fight for you, care for you, care for you and not just in the medical capacity.

I think it would be asking too much of someone to have a baby on their own, not just the labour - fair enough if you have done it then great and I mean that, great, but many of other women have needed some support. But also as others have said the post birth support. As soon as baby is born and you want a shower. Or what if you are poorly? You just can not foresee all the possible variables with a birth. I really really recommend having someone you can trust with you.

Again I dont think you should have someone who will make it harder who will interfere or make you work for them. So none of your friends and family by the sound of things. But why on earth not try to get a trainee doula who could be a godsend for you & your baby? It's no skin off your back and could do you the world of good.

The golden rule with labour is to remember:

You have no idea what will happen and minimal control.

mysteryfairy · 18/03/2009 18:20

When I had my DS1 the hospital sent my DH home at 4 am saying I wasn't in labour. DS1 was born at 7.15 that morning. Hospital rang OH and told him I was in labour but he didn't understand that meant he had to come back so I was on my own wiht the medical staff - I can't even really remember who was there.

When DS2 was born at 37 weeks the childcare we had lined up for DS1 was on holiday. I went to the hospital in an ambulance whilst DH sorted DS1 out and again gave birth when I got there with just the medical staff. (There was heavy snow making it hard for DH to sort things out and follow us.)

Both times were fine. I was disappointed DH had missed it but for him not for me.

In the 1970s my mum had four children without any family/friends present and I'm pretty sure that was typical for her generation.

hedgiemum · 19/03/2009 00:37

I presume this is your first baby? If so, I really think you should have someone who is available to come and be with you at short notice. Some labours are short and sudden, but many first labours are loooong and boooring. Having a good friend who has a pile of mags to look at who can come in with you in the early stages would be ideal. You could say you feel embarrassed to have her there for the more intimate parts (though this feeling flies out the window very quickly!) and she could retreat to a waiting room, but then she'd be there again for when you're trying to shower etc.. Have any of your friends had a child already? That would be ideal.
Another thing to consider is the support you'll need in first few days and weeks. See what friends come out of the woodwork during your pregnancy, who are emotionally supportive, and generally helpful. Sometimes its quite surprising, and people you thought would be fab forget all about you, and others you didn't know massively well suddenly become very close friend through stressful time.

upagumtree · 19/03/2009 00:50

YANBU...if that is your wish

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