to think my 9 year old DD should think for herself?

[MamaG]

Tis a mini rant
I don't expect a lot

All I want her to do is:-

1. Give me letters from school instead of me having to raid her bag

1. Get up, dressed, washed, teeth brushed and hair brushed without me having to tell her at every turn what to do "go brush your teeth now. No, now please. Put the book down. DD, NOW!"

Thats it. Thats all I want. Is it too much to farking farking FARKING ask?

I've just found a huge haul of letters in her bag including a reply slip for parents evening that she shold have handed to her teacher TWO WEEKS AGO

No wonder school thinks I'm fecking bonkers

and Yes, I probably ABU seeing as she gets it from me [dizzy emoticon]

dd1 is the same
make my blood boil
but she is just like me...

my 10 yr old dd is the same

but so am I

so they get better as they get older??? *!??!! mine is 7 and shes just the same!!

You're lucky the letters even make it to the bag. We discovered Christmas cards, letters dated from Dec and spellings in Ds's tray when we went to parents evening.

DS is the same, he is now 11 and is getting slightly better. My sister's ds used to have to write himself a note to remember to brush his teeth until he was in his late teens so I don't hold out much hope for too much improvement for the foreseeable future.

They don't get better as they get older, I'm afraid, Mumcentreplus. The only reason we knew about ds1's Parent's Evening (he's 15) is because my dh happened to see the letter on ds1's desk, half buried under the cycle and car magazines - and this was only 5 days before the evening itself, so we had next to no chance of getting appointments with the teachers we wanted to see.

Then, to cap it off, having managed to get appointments with some of his teachers, he lost the form on the day of the Parents Evening, so whilst I went to the first appointment (which thankfully he had remembered), he had to run round the school and find out when all the other appointments were. And did he think to write them down as he found them out?? Of course he didn't!! So I was turning up to appointments just hoping that he'd remembered the time right.

And what did most of the teachers say about him? He's doing well, and achieving very good marks - but his organisational skills are non-existant and he could be doing even better if he managed to bring in homework and equipment when he needs it.

Well, I have a 7 year old who I'm (sort of) training to think for himself.

I married my DH last year and thus became a Mum to a child who day dreams, never puts anything away, will often tell you he can't find things (because they weren't in the correct spot-1cm out and he won't see it) and unfortunately, I am organised, methodical and thus very frustrated by it. His father is a bit like this in the day dream sense but is organised around the house. His mother apparently was also a day dreamer who didn't like mundane things like housework or paying bills so my DH did all of this (my DH is a widower). The other (and possibly fatal) flaw is they'd been living with his grandparents who over spoilt him, did everything for him and if he broke something would tell him it's ok he didn't mean it (he broke a wedding present 2 weeks after the wedding and didn't even say sorry as he has been trained not to feel guilt).

So, I became nasty or rather slightly pushy Mum. We started with 'you must put your bag and shoes in your room when we get home' which took a little while, then we got onto 'if your toy is in the middle of the floor and I fall over it I won't be happy' and moved onto manners. It's not been helped as he still spends a lot of time at his grandparents but, after a big talk (after a parents evening where we found out he spends half a lesson day dreaming before starting work), at our last parents evening the teachers asked what we'd done to him as he's improved so much! His reading and maths have improved more than they should in a year in six months, just due to his concentration being better!

Saying all of this, we still have problems so, we have a new (less nagging) system in our house. If he does something extra good or helpful, especially without being asked, he gets a piece of pasta (eg. the other week in a helpful mood he re-arranged the throw and cushions on our sofa). If he leaves things in a silly place because he's being lazy or is rude/bad mannered or is naughty, he has a piece of pasta taken away. Twenty pieces and he gets a magazine. It's been a great incentive although now he's trying to do things to get pasta which is quite funny but not the point!

So, it is possible to retrain them, but expect it not to be easy and be firm.

Good luck!

Oh I know just how you feel but I think this is pretty normal for nine! My DD was exactly like that.

I think they get a bit better with age. Now DD is 13 she does most of the grooming stuff without prompting. She still needs a bit of reminding about letters from school though.

I go through my DSs bag (8) every evening - i don't expect him to give me slips from school or anything like that yet. I'm sure it wouldn't have even registered with me to do so at his age.

I don't search dd's bag. If she doesn't give me letters she doesnt go on trips, do MUFTI day, get money for the cake sale wtc. Took quite a while of training but she has actually got there this term and I'm dead chuffed.

Her solution has been to not put them in her bag at all, but to give them tome straight as she comes out of school.

In the mornings, there is no leisure time unless everything is done first. She generally is pretty quick and has worked out her own routine now. Dress, wash , teeth, hair, breakfast, make lunch, clear table and then usually she has enough time to do something she wants to do.

Just took me 18 mnths of constant nagging!

Stayingsunny you sort of give me hope as my ds is 12 & in his first year of senior school & is a total and utter nightmare on every front.

By week 3 of the new school year we were down 2 sweatshirts (£12 each)& a pair of boots (£25) the list since then is endless (swimming kit got caught on a fence post & forgot to go back for it!!!) with the latest being the homewrok diary last week & the pe kit for 2 weeks that i've just found shoved at the back of the coat rack

I don't think it is wrong to expect at some point they will think for themsleves but I just can't see it happening any time soon and I am fed up having to shout (or fish wiffing as we like to call it) on a daily basis just to get him out of the door or the dishwasher emptied, any way starting to get all wound up again now so going to go and stand in the garden .....

Oh GOD this is my house, just with a 7 year old boy. DS does my head in, he's just blooming useless! Doesn't give me letters, can't find anything unless it's right under his nose, leaves everything lying at his bum. The only thing I've found that works is grounding him when I get really annoyed because in our house being grounded means no sweets, no crisps, no juice and no pudding which he hates. He's still a faffing blind bat though!

Isn't it funny (mother of 9 and 11 year old girls here) that we spend so much time wishing they could think for themselves and when they finally really do we want them to do what we tell them to anyway!

My 11 year old is/has asbergers - not severely but enough to create communication issues on a regular basis. She's the organised one (surprise, not) her 9 year sister is blond, through and through