Aibu to expect dh to put the recycling actually IN the recycling bins?

[MinkyBorage]

DH works long hours in a stressful job, and is severely domestically and practically challenged (we both wonder about mild asd!). The result being that he has no actual jobs around the home, except for taking the rubbish and the recycling out. The responsibility for everything falls to me. At the moment we are throwing ourselves in to trying to get loads done before the arrival of dc3 in 9 days. I can not actually delegate anything to him as he isn't brilliant at practical jobs, but he is willing to do things, I just need to be around. He painted a couple of picture frames, a week ago, but couldn't clean the brushes. We have some ikea chests in the attic which need making, but he would need to be there helping me and wouldn't be able to do them on his own. This is part of him, and it's frustrating, but I knew this all along, and there's nothing I can do about it.

So, back to the recycling, We received a new dining room table yesterday (which I made on my own), and left the packaging by the bin. This morning it was still there, so I broke it up for him and asked him to take it and the normal bag of recycling, bottles paper etc, outside to the recycling boxes. He did so. An hour later when I was taking dds (2.2 and 3.5) and my 9 month pg tummy out, that I saw he's just emptied the whole lot in to the wheelie bin, not put it in the recycling bins. I called him and he said he always does this, he hates the mess of the recycling boxes and intended to move it back to the recycling bins on Friday when it's all collected. This doesn't happen. We share the bins with other people who obviously put rubbish on top of the recycling. We've had the conversation before, and this is by no means the first time it has happened. This morning I had to lean into the bin and pull out all the recycling (nice) and seperate the green boxes to put it in at 9 months pregnant!) I feel really strongly about recycling, and feel that with two small children a lot of my environmental beliefs have had to take a back seat, but the recycling is easy, or should be. I feel like he doesn't give a shit about my beliefs, and really about me, because he KNOWS I will get the recycling out of the bin, and I have enough to do. I am really cross with him, but more upset. I feel like I can't trust him to do anything!
I've told him that if he isn't capable of doing that small job, then fine, I would take it on as another responsibility, but that I would find other things for him to do instead, but I can't really as he can't really do much else. I feel that I am being forced in to a horrible boss type of role which I do not want.
God, sorry, that was a bit of a vent. Am I over reacting?

I don't really understand why he can't do jobs - could you explain a bit more?

because he fucks everything up. He works long hours, and therefore doesn't have a lot of time to do many jobs. He does do things like unload the dishwasher a few mornings a week, or clear up after dinner sometimes, so it's not like he doesn't do anything, it's just that he take on the sole responsibility for anything, like diy or the gardening for example, but he can do the blardy recycling, suRELY

and we have two dc he's very hands on with

YANBUnreasonable. YABUnrealistic IMHO.

I suggest to try very hard to be patient when you see him next, and don't even go there if possible-forget about it. If you feel you MUST, give the chap a different simple job, that you secretly don't care about, and don't hold onto any expectations he will do it properly. Praise effusively if he does abything helpful, however cackhandedly. That's right, he is a child like your others, you can't expect anything much and must say "Wow that's great honey" a lot, whilst thinking £%%^&&. This is for your own sake-you need to let go now and focus on what's happening with you.

Many people find recycling complex, every council is different and they are always changing the rules-no cleaner or visitor to my home has EVER got it figured out, I always end up bin-diving unless I control it myself. My DH leaves it all to me, like most things these days-really it's better that way-I feel calmer.

lol GeneralAngst. I really feel you understand! I've already spoken to him,, and was very upset, but think you're right anyway!

Are you sure it's not 'studied incompetance' as in he screws everything up knowing you'll take over, sort it out and he won't have to do it again?

it's a combination igivein, he definitely does that sometimes, but only sometimes!

Can you say - right - your job is the recycling. Since you think it looks messy and it is NOT acceptable to just chuck it in the normal bins, what can we do to make it look less messy. Then make him think of something. (I don't know - lids for the boxes maybe)

I think he is taking the pee a bit because he knows if he does it badly repeatedly you will do it. If you are working together to make things such that his issues are not an issue he doesn't have an excuse for not doing them properly and you can get justifiable cross if he doesn't!

YANBU at all.

God, I was going to post about my DH this morning for the very same thing - am SO fed up with him! He sounds exactly like your DH, except that he is not responsible for any one thing in the house - nothing, zilch, zero. And he doesn't work long hours at all - is always home by 6 pm. Our second DS is due in 10 days and I've only just gone on maternity leave and all the while been battling along with all the usual domestic chores, including changing lightbulbs, fitting bolts on doors and looking after DS1 (heaving myself up out of bed 3 or 4 times a night as well as he's a terrible sleeper). During the last month of my first pregnancy, I found myself building a cot, moses basket stand, bookshelf, chest of drawers and two pine trunks, one of which severely DIY challenged DH "helped" me with leading to much cursing and muttering. I also painted the nursery.

Like your DH, he is quite hands on with DS when it comes to playing with him or teaching him things, but practically he is absolutely incapable so never go out on my own as it's too stressful leaving DS with him. I could provide you with examples which would leave you open mouthed with shock, but that's a whole rant of its own. He'll do some gardening from time to time - things like mowing the lawn, and well, mowing the lawn...all the other stuff like watering, weeding, planting etc falls to me. As you say, there is just nothing that he will naturally take sole responsibility for which I find very hard to deal with in a man as my Dad was always big into his DIY and gardening and was always busy pottering around the place.

Ok, I really don't want to hijack your thread here.....but yes, I can totally empathise with you and I understand how the resentment builds up and how awful it feels being forced into a "boss type role" which in turn just makes you feel even more resentful!!

How was your DH brought up? I think there's a bit of link with my DH as growing up he didn't have sole responsibily for anything in the family - his parents did EVERYTHING around the place, even made his bed for him!!!

Hi Minky,

My dad is very very like this - my poor mum kind of ended up accepting it but still has to do a lot for him. For example - and she can giggle about it - he takes everything so literally. He was in a supermarket the other day with lots of different checkouts. One had a symbol for basket only - so a basket. He bought a newspaper but ended up going through the long queue of everyone buying their weeks shopping - because he didnt have a basket.

I really dont think he (or your DH) does it on purpose - they just dont get it. My mum has to explain every little thing to him - even for example how to cook fishfingers and chips step by step - writes it down and everything. He can follow very literal instructions.

I have no advice really just wanted to empathise. I never understood as a child but do so more now

xx

laweaslemys, good idea, I did say to him this am that if he wants more boxes he could call the council etc, but you're right, he needs to take ownership and solve problems, not just give up on it.

Snooch, you have my sympathies, but I have to say it's tremendously reassuring to hear that I'm not the only one. DH can't do weeding because he just pulls up everything which doesn't look tidy, like bluebells or a pyracantha . I delegated the job or getting our dvd player fixed to him, whcih meant he had to change the plug on it, and take it in to John Lewis. When we got to John Lewis, he had forgotten what was wrong with it, so I had to get involved, and it was clear that there was a dvd floating about inside the player which he hadn't noticed, and the John Lewis guy refused to look at it because dh had changed the plug incorrectly! He told me he could change a plug!!!

peppapig.. what did you think growing up? Did you find it odd or think less of your father because of this? I'm fascinated because my Dad is very intelligent, practical, competent, and I really wonder how dc will see dh, if they will think less of him because he is so challenged by these things!

I just saw him as my dad - it didnt really occur to me until I was older that he was different. I dont think it was until I had left home and met men my own age (as against boys) that I realised that much was different - if you think about it what other male role models do you really have to compare with? Its not as if they are doing anything bad just that they do things differently. Im not sure if things would have been different if I were a boy.

My mum says now she used to teach my dad things to do with me so that we would both benefit - and that was fine. She also tried to highlight his strengths in other ways and not make him do things in front of me that he couldnt do. We kind of turned it into a joke as well (not in a nasty way).