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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think a real friend wouldn't do this?

71 replies

littlelamb · 16/03/2009 20:08

I am feeling very sad I was asked to go to London for 2 days by my friend yesterday and after thinking about it for a long time I said yes. It would mean leaving 4yo dd and 9mo ds so I was a bit uncertain at first but decided I could do with a break. I rang my friend (I have no family nearby) and her boyfriend who my dc really like to ask if they would help out with childcare. THey live with her mum atm so it is a bit crowded. I said they could come and stay here for the duration, and obviously help themselves to food etc. Her bf is unemployed so wouldn't have to miss work. I said I'd give them £100 which I thought was alright. They said yes, I rang them 3! times today to make sure they really meant it as I was buying my ticket and booking the hotel. But they have just called to say that 100 isn't enough and noone else would do it for under 5 pounds an hourso I would have to give them £200 I don't have that money to give them (and tbh I'm not sure they should be askign for it) so I have no choice but to cancel. AIBU to be peed off? It is more than that really. He has nothing else to do and afaik would be grateful of the money. These are close friends as well. So now my trip is ruined and tbh I wouldn't go if they changed their minds because obviously they wanted to see if they could get more money So was I bu to offer 'only' £100 in the first place? I had thought it was more than enough They said to let them know if I change y mind, so they are obviously still available. I don't know what to feel tbh, just disappointed and let down.

OP posts:
lou33 · 16/03/2009 20:48

i wouldnt dream of taking money from a friend for looking after their kids

PootleTheFlump · 16/03/2009 20:48

Poor you! Definitely not real friends at all and as other posters say, you may well be glad that you didn't leave your dc's with them once you have got over the disappointment of being let down. I don't think whether you were offering the right rate is relevant, and would only matter if you were employing them through an agency.

Could you take the dcs with you on the train and meet a member of your family there (they go back to Cambridge and you follow after an afternoon or evening out?)

Have a friend who is a student in Exeter and know she babysits for a reasonable fee and does school pick ups etc, so there are ways you could have a shorter/closer to home break.

MargotBeauregarde · 16/03/2009 20:49

NO littlelamb! I have a friend who is absolutely maggoty rich and I wouldn't dream of asking for anything when I watch her son while she has her haircut or whatever. She does the same for me.

I feel really sad for you. You are not meeting the right people!!! there are nice people out there. I'm a single Mum too and I've been supported really well. I've been so lucky I realise.

Would you think about moving to be nearer your family?? I did that. Relocated to be near my family. It has made life easier.

Original poster
littlelamb · 16/03/2009 20:50

@ jeremykylers Chegirl. I know friendship isn't about tallying up what you do for one another, but the bloke has a little girl who lives with her mum and is good friends with my dd. I always give them her old clothes and toys. I know it is not much but actually what I have given them over the years more than adds up to a couple of hundred quids worth. And I have never expected anything in return so...

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 16/03/2009 20:53

Aw no, littlelamb, I am so upset for you!!! ( I was on the thread where you were asking about leaving a bf baby for 2 days) I truly cannot believe that a person calling themselves a friend would do this. Jeez, who needs enemies!

Original poster
littlelamb · 16/03/2009 20:54

Margot I have thought about it but my family isn't the sanest tbh and apart from slight hiccups like this where I wish I did have closer support I quite relish the distance between us! I had thought of getting them to meet me in london and picking up the dc but honestly, my family don't do favours for one another, which is sadly why I probably feel so unreasonable for asking a friend in the first place My parents have never had my dc, they would not offer and nor would I ask. They are not horrible, but our family don't really help each other out like that

OP posts:
Original poster
littlelamb · 16/03/2009 20:56

Well chipmonkey, the breastfeeding thing is probably the only good thing to come out of this, I have been pumping today and ds had a bottle of expressed milk before bed (from me!!!!)which he has never done before so I do feel proud of that. And I htinK i am going to try and start to build up a milk store in the freezer in case I do have to go away. I think one lot of expressing a day should leave me with quite a bit, and maybe one for one of the daytime feeds so he stays used to the bottle.

OP posts:
diedandgonetodevon · 16/03/2009 20:57

the cheek of some people. Personally I'd do that sort of favour for free for a friend- well that's what friendship is about isn't it?

solowitch · 16/03/2009 20:57

They are not your friends. Selfish people.

helsbels4 · 16/03/2009 21:01

If I was looking after a close friends dc's and they offered me money in return, I would be way too embarassed to take it from them let alone ask for more!!!!!! They clearly are not the close friends you thought they were because as you said in your thread title, real friends wouldn't do that. I'd lose them pretty sharpish if I were you

chipmonkey · 16/03/2009 21:12

ll, you can express a hell of a lot that way. I had expressed 138oz for ds4 before I went away. He only drank 90 though!

MargotBeauregarde · 16/03/2009 21:48

LL you sound really too nice, and this is one of those awful wake up and smell the coffee moments, but look at it this way, you'll be looking out for new and better friends. And I think you will make them. You sound like you have been too kind to these people. No need for 'words'. Just fade away.

I wish I was in Exeter, I'd come and babysit for you. I'm sure there are other MNers in Exeter who'd like to get into a babysitting circle, money not an issue. I'd like that myself in my area.

Or is there a one parent organisation locally. YOur HV might be able to put you in touch? My community health nurse rings from time to time to check I'm on top of things (she doesn't put it like that). It might annoy some people but I like her.

abraid · 16/03/2009 21:56

Horrid people.

Original poster
littlelamb · 16/03/2009 22:00

Have thought about this and I think I am going to ring dd's nan tomorrow. SHe is lovely (and around Cambridge too). She always says I don't ask for help when I need it. And this isn't exactly life or death but my god I could use a break. So I am going to ask, on ridiculously short notice, if she could meet us in London. That way dd could have a nice day at the dinosaur museum before heading back with them and instead of heading back to Exeter on Thursday I could go there for a day or two. It might make me feel a bit brighter generally. Thanks for all the support. I really was worried I was being unreasonable

OP posts:
5inthebed · 16/03/2009 22:01

What awful "friends".

You sound like such a lovely friend, even for offering £100 for them doing it.

They don't deserve a friend like you and you certainly shouldn't be expected to pay them for helping you out.

Sorry your trip has been ruined by their harshness.

BottySpottom · 16/03/2009 22:02

You could probably get a 'proper' sitters babysitter for £200. How rude of them.

MargotBeauregarde · 16/03/2009 22:02

Do! Ask her! This is your daughter's grandmother?! She'll be delighted, and probably flattered and thrilled that you feel you can ask her at short notice!

ChippingIn · 16/03/2009 23:47

I hope you do ask DD's Nan and it all goes well, it sounds like you really need a break. If I was closer I'd of happily had them, haven't had a wee one to cuddle for ages now!

Those people are not friends - you need to drop them and make room for some proper friends!

feedthegoat · 16/03/2009 23:51

I stayed overnight with my friends ds once and wouldn't have dreamt of taking a penny - she is my friend! YANBU.

solowitch · 17/03/2009 00:03

LL, if you are going to freeze your milk, you need to heat it first. I didn't with my first Dc and it was fine, but when i didn't for the second Dc, it was rancid. Not sure exactly how and how hot, but there are threads on it if you search(I can't do links). Hope you have the rest you want.

squilly · 17/03/2009 00:14

I'd do it for free whether the parents were minted or not. That's what friendship is for.

chipmonkey · 17/03/2009 00:16

solo, not everyone has to do this, it's only if you have too much lipase in your milk.

solowitch · 17/03/2009 00:31

But you wont really know will you? I mean I didn't. I had to chuck out all my frozen milk

chipmonkey · 17/03/2009 00:46

No, you can't know beforehand ( and OMG, throwing out your milk, that would have broken my heart!)
What you do is, express some milk, then taste it 24 hours after you have expressed it. If it tastes rancid, then you know you have a lipase issue. If you have a lipase issue then you scald your milk before freezing to de-activate the lipase.
Some babies are fussier than others though. You could have a lipase issue and some babies would still drink the milk, whereas other babies will turn up their cute little noses!

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 17/03/2009 01:44

You offered them £100 I'll do it for £100. I'll even come and collect them from you and drop them back off!!!!

I have had my friends dd a few times over night, as she has had mine. A couple of bottles of wine, choccy or fags have changed hands a few times but none of it was asked for or expected. She is my friend, if I can help her out I will.

I don't even ask for money to feed her dd, neither does she ask me for money for feeding mine.

YANBU at all. What horrid 'friends'. I hope you find some one to help out.