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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to let MIL see my DC at her house?

26 replies

Dragonfly74 · 14/03/2009 20:31

MIL has taken offence because I won't let my DC go to her house, the only time I ever let them go is in the summer when we can go into the garden.

The reason for this is that she and FIL are heavy smokers and although DH has hinted that we would visit more if she and FIL smoked outside we know we are being unreasonable to ask them to do this as it is their house and if they want to smoke inside then it is their choice. But I don't want my DC in a smokey environment especially as 3yr old DS has asthma.

She now says I am being difficult and that i'm doing all I can to stop her from seeing her granchildren. This is not the case I have told her she can come to our house whenever she wants.

I'm not anti smoking I'm just anti smoking around my DC. I feel guilty for upsetting her but I can't see what else I can do.

OP posts:
Kimi · 14/03/2009 20:34

YANBU stick to your guns

madlentileater · 14/03/2009 20:35

YANBU esp considering the asthma.
Would it help to show them some leaflets which say how harmful a smoky atmosphere is for people with asthma?

piscesmoon · 14/03/2009 20:40

YANBU, unfortunately smokers don't seem to understand how vile it is to other people, without even mentioning the health hazard.

bumpybecky · 14/03/2009 20:44

YANBU but I think your DH needs to do more than hint! He needs to explain very clearly why you're not willing for your DC to visit there. He also needs to be very clear that this is a joint decision, not just you being an unreasonable DIL.

Original poster
Dragonfly74 · 14/03/2009 20:48

bumpybecky I have told DH that he needs to grow a spine when it comes to getting his point across to his mum. I honestly think he's scared of her (she is a seriously intimidating woman) I know i'm scared of her!!

OP posts:
LadyPinkofPinkerton · 14/03/2009 20:49

Have you told her explicitly why you won't allow your DC in her house?

YANBU at all btw, I would do the same

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 14/03/2009 20:50

Think you will continue to have problems until your dh spells it out to them in no uncertain terms.

He HAS to put his dc's first!!!

and YANBU

elkiedee · 14/03/2009 21:12

What Doris says, first

Do you invite her round specifically ever, rather than just saying she's welcome to come round whenever she wants?

Original poster
Dragonfly74 · 14/03/2009 21:25

Hi elkiedee,
yes we do invite her round at least twice a week, sometimes more often but she always rushes home after about half an hour because she say's she feels more comfortable at home because she can sit and have a cigarette when she wants. (she doesn't like to go outside to have one)

OP posts:
Original poster
Dragonfly74 · 14/03/2009 21:27

Sorry should have made that clearer, she doesn't like to go outside for a cigarette when she's at our house.

OP posts:
Boys2mam · 14/03/2009 22:08

TBH, any grandparent that is prepared to be that ignorant with the risks of smoking and their DGC is going to be hard work. I can sympathise but my MIL has always been great about this. I think you need to take the bull by the horns and have a direct conversation about this.

She may surprise you?

nooka · 14/03/2009 22:25

Sounds like having a cigarette is more important to her than seeing her grandchildren If you are inviting them around twice a week I can't see why she is complaining, but your dh could be a bit more explicit I guess (although it sounds like the smoking is already a bone of contention in any case).

thisisfunny · 14/03/2009 22:27

YANBU i hate it when i see people smoking near children.

ElmaH · 14/03/2009 22:42

Had similar issues with MIL. Thankfully DP has always been firm with her. She's always made us feel quite bad about it, like we're the ones with the wrong attitude and sadly she now has suspected emphysema. I think old skool smokers find it very hard to accept how horribly harmful fags are.

ChocFudgeCake · 14/03/2009 22:56

Both my mum and MIL smoke and they would be happy to smoke in front of our children (mum smoked in the house when I was a child), but we have been very firm about that.

There was an incident in a garden, MIL forgot she was holding her cigarret, held my 2 year old and burnt him!. Two years later he still has the scar

ChocFudgeCake · 14/03/2009 22:57

DEF YANBU

ScottishMummy · 14/03/2009 23:05

fair enough.you need to protect DD health.asthma and smoking are contraindicated

ChippingIn · 14/03/2009 23:12

YA so NOT BU

My friend has recently been very sick (started with the winter flu in Nov and has gone on to have pneumonia and pleurisy) when she had her lungs x-ray'd,her Doctor wanted to know how many years she had smoked for. She (truthfully) said never and the Dr said 'Ah right, 70's child, parents both smoked in the house - you have the lungs of someone who has smoked heavily for 15 or more years'. Although we both knew the way we grew up wasn't ideal, we didn't realise quite how bad the impact had been (I'm sure mine would show the same thing!).

Tell DH to explain why you wont visit their house (in the winter) and after that just ignore all the complaining - they can fix the problem if they want to, if they don't, that is their choice!

insertwittynicknameHERE · 15/03/2009 12:54

YANBU at all, my MIL stopped smoking when I was pg with DD as she said she would love for us all to come round

My fil and Step MIl on the other hand, will not ever stop smoking. They wont come here as we wont let them smoke in the house and they wont go outside to smoke and DD does not go to their house as there are 3 adults all chain smoking there. NEVER gonna happen. FIl has moaned to family about it but I and DH just say tough.

Consequently FIL and STEP MIL have not seen DD since before xmas and they live 10 minute walk from us We have invited them out for a meal and to the park so they get to spend some time but they wont.

mm22bys · 15/03/2009 12:59

YANBU.

She is being very selfish, and is the one who is doing all she can to stop herself from seeing her grandchildren

If she really wanted to stop for whatever reason, even if temporarily so she can see her grandchildren, she would.

PinkTulips · 15/03/2009 13:03

fol is the same... has ranted at me drunk about how unreasonable i am to not let him smoke in my house and i caught him outside our door once after he brought dd for a walk with her in one arm and a fag in the other..... fgs, he could have sent her into the house but instead he stood there smoking on her

bith dp and i are smokers which makes me even madder as it's not a big deal for us to avoid smoking around the kids 24/7 so why is it so hard for him to do it for one bloody day?!

screamingabdab · 15/03/2009 13:09

YANBU, and I agree with what others have said about it being DHs place to talk to her again. Otherwise she's just going to make a smokescreen (pun!) that it's about your relationship with her and not about the smoking per se.

It sounds like you have been very willing to compromise.

My FIL smokes heavily, but even he now will finally go outside to have a fag

loopylou6 · 15/03/2009 13:12

YA soooo NBU

MadamDeathstare · 15/03/2009 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

worley · 15/03/2009 21:03

YANBU
we had to do this with my mil, she would never come round to ours as it was too far (less than a mile from her house) her fingers were yellow, her teeth were yellow, even herwalls and net curtains were yellow and yet she still wanted to be next to ds1 and ds2 and smoke, it was the death of her though, she died at 54, even though she was ill and had pneumonia she carried on smoking until her body gave up.