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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask DH to tell me when he's working late?

14 replies

OhBling · 13/03/2009 08:44

DH works as a sales rep and normally gets home about 4:30 but then has to do admin for a while. Normally, by the time I get home at 7:30 he's finished up and often goes for a run at that stage.

Last night, I got home, looking forward to seeing him as we haven't had any time together all week and he was still working and said he'd have to work for a while. Fair enough - it happens to all of us.

But because I was disappointed, and because he works in the lounge I feel like I have to make myself scarce, I asked him later whether if he thinks he's going to be working late he could let me know before I come home so that I can get my head around it before I get home from a 12 hour work day.

He thinks I'm being controlling and that from here on in he'll have to ask my permission to go to the toilet. I think I'm just asking him to be considerate. What do you all think?

OP posts:

Starbear · 13/03/2009 08:47

yep! We had this row early in our relationship & sometimes still do. If he is not listening you'll have to return the feeling by going out then returning late in the day. It must be day time so he can't make out you were flirt with men, drinking etc..because then it turns into another type of row

babyphat · 13/03/2009 08:47

YANBU. If you know, you could plan other stuff rather than just having to make yourself scarce.

Original poster

OhBling · 13/03/2009 08:51

That's what I think. But he thinks that if he was working late and was not at home, then yes, of course he would tell me. But working late at home doesn't count? So I still need to tell him when I'm working late etc, but he doesn't need to tell me.

OP posts:

bigcometobedeyes · 13/03/2009 09:02

YANBU - this is a row we have in our house too about what time DH will finish work - if we eat together, will he be there for bed time.

The principle is the same - you need to know each others plans so you don't 'plan' or look forward to something then feel let down - you can make your own plans then

Oooo you are soooo not being unreasonable

daisybaby · 13/03/2009 09:10

YABU - is it really such a big deal?

mm22bys · 13/03/2009 09:17

YANBU.

I don't mind what DH does (within reason of course!) so long as he lets me know.

It makes it easier to plan the evening, and psyche myself up for the doing the dreaded evening routine on my own!

(sound like a sap don't I, but after being on my own all of some days I do like the adult company and frankly the help!)

bigcometobedeyes · 13/03/2009 09:25

mm22bys - yes this is me too - I am pleased I am not the only one who feels this way as it can be a regular 'flash point' for us.

I have to learn to bite my tounge also and have learnt not to rely on DH to much for adult company as he is often very tired and if i let this be the ONLY source adult conversation etc I can be in for a bumpy ride

emmabemmasmom · 13/03/2009 09:34

YANBU...

My DH always tells me what he is doing. I think it is a sign of respect for the person you share your life with. He will always give me a heads up if he thinks he will be working late and then text me when he knows for sure.

Even when he goes out with friends...I don't ask...but he will tell me where he is and when he will be home. I am also very pregnant so kinda need to know "just in case"!

However, even when he is home he will tell me "I am going to play quitar for a bit. Should be done by 9pm if you want to watch a movie then?" I don't need him to do this, but I find it nice so then I can say ok I have an hour to take a bath and read or whatever on my own. Then I can plan some alone time but also look forward to that movie together.

Personally I think of it as respectful communicaion and has nothing to do with control...maybe we are just weird?

Original poster

OhBling · 13/03/2009 09:44

You have no idea how relieved I am. I was starting to think maybe I am a controlling freak. I don't think so but...

OP posts:

bigcometobedeyes · 13/03/2009 11:14

emma my DH does planning the evening & weekend (lke what time do you want to go shopping or shal I cook meal for this time)when he is in the house, its just the work thing - he is so driven at work I fear he forgets about us and I do need to know so I can consider needs of DS.

emmabemmasmom · 13/03/2009 18:03

Oh I understand totally

My DH is work driven too and sometimes he works a lot thinking of the money and doesn't think that maybe we would rather him be here with us. However, I know that after he had a mini break down a few weeks ago he thinks that working so hard IS for us...

But I know what you mean...it is hard and can be a touchy topic for men (mr. provide and all)

sorry if I offended in any way

HecatesTwopenceworth · 13/03/2009 18:06

Is there any other room he can work in? Pop a desk in a corner somewhere, so that he doesn't have to take over the family room? The even if he has to work later, you can still come in, chuck your shoes off and relax?

Thankyouandgoodnight · 13/03/2009 21:03

What would happen if you didn't make yourself scarce and you carried on cooking / watching TV / generally clattering about? If you did that you may find that he doesn't mind and if he does that might be a good opening to the discussion?

slowreadingprogress · 13/03/2009 21:16

was going to ask Hecate's question? Why can't he work in the bedroom or another room and then at least you could be in your living room relaxing.

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