Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I being ridiculously sensitive?

6 replies

MrsJoeMcIntyre · 12/03/2009 09:05

Why do we always want our parents approval (or is it just me?). I have posted many, many times about the complicated, yet in the main wonderful, relationship that I have with my mother. Possibly under my previous name, Pinkjenny.

My mum is the kind of person who is extremely concerned with looks, clothes and weight etc. For example, we'll be looking at pictures of Victoria Beckham and my mum will say, 'I don't think she's too thin', that kind of thing. She is also the kind of person who finds it impossible to hide her feelings. You know, if you say, 'Do you like it?' and she says, 'Mmm', then you know she doesn't, and it is usually written all over her face also.

I put a lot of weight on when I was pg with dd, and although she is nearly 2, I am still about three stone overweight. I realise that I do need to lose it, and am taking steps to do so, however, I am only a size 14-16, so not exactly enormous, but admittedly, I would like to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. My mum loves fashion, and whenever I would meet up with her would always be extremely complimentary, telling me she loved what I was wearing etc. But since I have put all this weight on, she never tells me I look nice, and makes lots of veiled references to my weight, and people that have lost weight and how wonderful they look etc.

Even as I am typing this, I feel ridiculous. Why do I need her approval? It's only as I've gotten older that I am starting to realise how judgmental she is, and she does it in other areas too, for example telling me she doesn't like magnolia when my walls are magnolia!

I know I need to lose weight, but I feel her unspoken disapproval all the time.

How can I shake it off?

OP posts:
toddlerama · 12/03/2009 09:13

Would you actually like a life that looks exactly like hers? The thing is, she probably thinks you would. Try and focus on the things you love about your life now that have been achieved independently of your mum, and then you wont need her approval so much. It can really help to see yourself as a whole person with a whole life of which she is a significant part, but not the whole thing. It removes the need for her to like everything about you. Sorry you feel bad though. x

toddlerama · 12/03/2009 09:15

Oh and YANBU to feel sensitive about it. It hurts to feel like the people you love see faults when they look at you. But probably, she still sees her beautiful daughter and thinks she is helping you! She's just done it in a really crap way.

MrsJoeMcIntyre · 12/03/2009 09:15

Very wise, toddlerama. I am an only, and therefore all of the focus is on me. My aunt actually remarked to me the other day, "You see, Jenny, you are expected to be a wife, a mother and a daughter, and also be perfect at all three, whilst being immaculately groomed in size 8 jeans." Was nice to hear that, actually, I always thought it was in my head.

OP posts:
troutpout · 12/03/2009 09:20

i never hankered after my parents aproval..well not since i was about 12 anyway!
I do see this in my husband though...i don't get it at all tbh. Like you, he knows he does it too but he almost can't stop himself and goes into the same old routines as soon as he is in their company. They are extremely concerned with success...and both are high fliers career wise....plus he is in competition with 2 brothers ...i guess this is where his insecurities come from. All 3 brothers do it...it's odd. Odd because his parents have generally mellowed a lot and as the years have past i actually think they just want their children to be happy now.It's an ingrained habit though i think.

You need to feel good about yourself...if she is deliberately making you feel bad about yourself then tell her so or limit time spent with her. Are the comments she makes like the magnolia paint one deliberate or do you think she just makes gaffs? Also..maybe she thinks that because she is so very close to you she can make comments like that. I for instance see my mother about 5 times a year...she could not even tell you the colour of the paint in my house! You say that the relationship is wonderful and yet complex...i guess this is what i am talking about. You have to take the rough with the smooth to some extent. it is only for you to decide if the benefits of such a close relationship outweigh the grief.
It is does...then pull back a bit maybe

troutpout · 12/03/2009 09:22

i am liking your aunt

MrsJoeMcIntyre · 12/03/2009 09:25

Troutpout - yes I agree with you. I see my mum every day, and she looks after dd two days a week for me whist I work, and I think she believes that this gives her license to make her opinions known. It's a tough one, I have lots and lots of friends, but I seem to spend all my time with my mum! It drives dh mad, he thinks the whole thing is very claustrophobic.

I don't think she is deliberately making me feel bad, she believes that she has the right to express her opinion, and because she is the kind of person who really doesn't care what others think, she doesn't understand when I do. For example, when I said that it was a bit mean to say she didn't like magnolia (stupid example, I know), she said, 'Well, if you like it, why do you care what I think?'

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread