horrible teenage son and H who doesn't see a problem

[Franticma]

Have been here before but am not sufficiently au fait with this site to know where to look for replies. How sad is that. Have (almost) 17yr old son who treats me like shit and a H who doesn't give one. I retired in 2007 thinking (naively) that My life would be great. Would have more time for H and S and , importantly, ME! Not so. S thinks I am wasting my time and why won't I go to work and get a better one than the 'dead end ' one I had before. ( Senior position in the NHS) H is not interested in doing anything outside his work. (Has own business) I know I sound full of self pity but walk a mile in my shoes as the song says. Everyone says I'm so lucky but that's only because I lie to them. I am invisible. Cook, washerwoman, cleaner, funder etc etc. Sex life? Don't make me laugh. I would leave but I paid for this house and most of what is in it, why should I? Sorry, bad day. Please don't throw the usual things about teenagers at me. I've heard them all but you need to hear his abuse towards me. Franticmum

Kick your son out - or at the very least stop doing his washing and cooking his meals until he stops behaving like an idiot.

Thanks but unfortunately kicking out not an option as it would cost more to keep him some where else than at home. Believe me I have considered it. He's still at school doing A levels but will then expect to be funded for further ed. I know, I sound like a wimp but the bugger is, I still love him and cannot see him on the streets. How sad am I? It sounds so easy when someone else says it. Again, thanks for your reply. Franticma

Stop lying to your friends, I'm sure they'd be a great support if they knew your situation.

Well, 16 year olds are not nice but PLEASE don't throw him out, he's still a child and making your child homeless is actually criminal neglect. You can, however, have him arrested if he becomes abusive towards you.

I would suggest not cooking or cleaning his clothes, and when he scatters his belongings around the house, bin them. Your husband needs to step in - why is he allowing someone to treat his wife this way?

Take a long holiday - 3 or 4 weeks - away from the pair of them. Leave them to manage. Switch your phone off too.

Go somewhere hot, or take a road trip type adventure. Drive through France. Anything really.

Just f-off and leave them to cope.

I agree stop washing his clothes, cleaning his room, and funding him.....all but the money for basic clothes & food. I'm assuming DS is still at school.

If you don't want to go back to work find something you want to do......join a gym, dance class, painting class, book club etc.

Get away from them and leave them to it. Do something for yourself.

Stop doing stuff for them.

No washing, no cooking, no cleaning (other than what suits YOU). Nothing. Cook yourself a nice meal and sit down to eat it - watch their faces when they realise there isn't anything for them that they don't have to get themselves.

I think law wise you have to provide your DS with a home and adequate nutrition. There is nothing saying you have to give him cash, cook him nice meals, clean his room, wash his clothes, let him loaf around while you do everything.

Its tricky though when you are not working cause DH may expect that you will be doing the housework in place of that. You need to tell him that you have had enough and that you are considering leaving.

Coldtits, some 16 year olds are nice! My 15 yr old is lovely and I really don't think he will change that drastically in 9 months!

Saying that though, I wouldn't put up with the way the OPs son is behaving. Don't take this the wrong way, but it sounds to me like you are mollycoddling him AND your husband! Why at 17 is he not taking any responsibility for himself? Because you have allowed him to be like that. He behaves the way he does, because you have allowed him to!

We may get the occasional grunt or eye roll from DS but on the whole he is a pleasant, polite and when asked a helpful boy. He isn't perfect, I have to remind him where the laundry basket/dishwasher etc are...we have chats about being considerate to everyone else in the house (and we have chats to our 6 and 4 yr old boys about it too)

Maybe you need to go back to basics. Lay it on the line and say that EVERYONE will be taking an active role in the cooking/cleaning/washing. Draw up a rota, then he will know what is expected of him and when. And your husband will too!

You have to get tough!

I would feel the same as you about kicking him out, I could never see one of my children on the streets, but having a brother who is 37 and still incredibly disrepectful towards my father (and my father puts up with it ) has made me determined that my children will not act in that way!

Sorry I hadn't realised how young he was otherwise I wouldn't have suggested the kicking out

Maybe you need to start with your husband and go from there, it needs to be a united front.

Agree you need to make it known to both your H & S what is unacceptable about their behaviour. Taking someone for granted (which they both seem to be doing in spades) is very easy. Tell them how it is for you.

You don't have to financially provide for your son once he's in higher education (which must be less than 2 years away?). It isn't mean or cruel to expect him to take out a student loan and/or get a part-time job while he's at uni/college. Maybe that's also the time to consider leaving your good-for-nothing husband, if he hasn't improved!

Get tough and stick to your guns. I presented my husband with an invoice for the work I do at home and it worked - he took the hint.
Shoulders back, tits out and tell them both that things are changing or else.

I know, easier said than done - it'll probably be me in seven years , but I'd like to think not.
Go girl, I'm right behind you.

squirdle, don't be deluded, my 15 year old was nice, very, very nice, but one morning he came downstairs and that was the last we "saw" of the delightful 15 year old until he was 17, then he came back again... ( metaphorically speaking, he was here all the time) such a charming young man now, but the 'wilderness years' can be hell.

People never imagine that it can happen to them, my dear sis was so grateful hers were at boarding school, when she saw and heard my son in teenage mode.

I was talking to my mother this morning about the Julie M and her son issue, and asked her whether my brother had been awful, no he wasn't, it was 20 years ago, things were so different, children are too often treated as equals and we forget they are the child and we are the parent. We are not their friends, until much later in life.

I think today's teenagers are a product of our consumer society, they have everything they want, but they want more and they want it on their terms, NOW!

Franticma, I feel for you, it is so tough. It's only when they leave and have to fend for themselves that they realise what they had, on a gilt edged plate.

My DS ( travelling the world) often texts and says, I just cooked so and so, it didn't taste like yours, something is missing.....I think it must be my mothers love! They come back in the end, but it is rough for a while. Just tell him that you love him, you might not like him very much at the moment or the person who he has become, but that you will always love him. I found saying that often got through.

I know how it hurts.

Go and book yourself a holiday and leave the cooking, washing, cleaning, polishing and everything behind.

Only for a week mind, you may go again and then stay longer

Your dh doesn't give a ? so he will be fine with looking after teenager for a week.

If you walk back in and the place is a tip - exclaim oh goodness is this how you want to live, so sorry I will leave it all like this in future Then book yourself into a hotel...

I have advice for you.

But I dont think you will like it .

Your son is what you and your dh 'made' him- you need to care for him however unpleasant he is being some teens are like that.

concentrate on you

Now Im assuming financially you are ok?

You need a life away from the home - join agym,volunteer find a passion for things to sell,get creative whatever gets your juices flowing do it!!!

Get a night class your retired find a place for yourself somewhere you can be you.

It wont come easy you are worn down by life in general take control and move forward.

buy yourself some new clothes these are your 'moving forward outfits' cast aside the old you who put up with shit- do the housework you need to and thats it - get a grip get a life!!!!!

I agree with nickschick-get out and do things on your own and stop being a slave. Leave them both a note saying things like 'xxx in the fridge, make yourselves a meal, see you about 11pmish.'

alibubbles, nope just can't see it with DS1.

He actually doesn't have everything he wants. He doesn't have labelled shoes, designer clothes, the latest phone, high tec equipment. What he does have though, he values. He loves his guitar/kayak etc. He accepts that if he really wants something, he has to save for it. He also seems to appreciate (as much as teens can ) that he actually doesn't fair too badly.

OP, is he your only child? If so, then you can do what you want to do now. He isn't young any more!Let them fend for themselves...it may shock them into realising just how much you do!

i am a single parent living with my teenage sons (16 and 13). they both sometimes behave badly towards me, eg, resenting helping with chores, not keeping their rooms tidy, being critical of me, etc.

sometimes i will let it go, but if i feel they have overstepped the line, i will let them know it. first off, i ask to speak to them - calmly, politely, but they know they are for it.

i challenge their behaviour. i tell them how they have been behaving, the hurtful things they have said/done, and ask them if they have anything to say.

usually, they look shame-faced and then disclose problems i did not realise they were coping with - we often end up having a cuddle and laughing. air cleared, boy-relations restored to normal.

if there is one thing i have learned, then it would be that if your son is usually talkative/fun/spirited/opinionated as teenagers can be, but then tips over in to morose/lacking in energy/obsessive habits/aggressive behaviours, then this is a cry for help you need to hear and tackle. you are the one who loves him and knows him, so get that version of him back. he needs you when things are tough!

My mother sent this to me and said "give it to your son to read" I have never yet felt that need, but I think it says a lot.

NAILS IN THE FENCE
There once was a little boy who had a bad temper.
His Father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down.

He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all.

He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.

The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. They will need filling in now, but there will always be scars.

A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one. cross words and unkindness leave scars on your heart, that time will heal, but they will always be there.

Squirdle, I understand where you are coming from, despite my children being privately educated and privileged, mixing with children with unlimited funds, to the astonishment of some of their peers, they have had to save at least 50% of any major purchase and unlike their friends they had to save for the deposits on their cars. they appreciated everything they have far more than their peers.DS just saved £5000 for his round the world ticket etc.I

I hope your DS continues to be a pleasant young man.