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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this school is out of order?

7 replies

Hawkmoth · 11/03/2009 10:39

Before Christmas DP rang DSD's school to make sure he got copies of letters, reports and to ask for an attendance breakdown. She'd been telling us about days off she'd had here and there, which her mum never mentioned, when she'd go to GPs house and watch telly because she "felt ill but wanted to have some fun as well" .

Nothing ever materialised and he never got round to chasing it until this week, as he and ExW are going to Parents' evening next week. Since then we find that she's booked two holidays in term time without consulting him as to whether it's a good idea.

So he rang Monday night and spoke to the head who said, yes no problem, will send stuff out, but I have no concerns.

Yesterday ExW rings up in a fury as school have been onto her "Are you aware DSD's father is asking for information about her?". Notwithstanding the fact that ExW thinks he has no say in her education at all now [sigh], nor that he is the one who does all her homework and home reading with her, I think this is a terrible breach of trust by the school. Am I right?

Legally they are obliged to furnish both parents with identical info, and I'm sure they are bound by a duty of confidentiality as well. What if this was an acrimonious custody battle? What if one party was abusive? This is definitely the sort of thing that would have tipped her over the edge a few weeks ago and made her withdraw contact again.

And no, he couldn't have talked to her about it first, as she has obviously been concealing the absences and isn't all that helpful/consistent anyway.

OP posts:
laweaselmys · 11/03/2009 10:51

They wouldn't tell the other party if there was good cause not to. (suspected abuse etc) This is NOT the case for you, and I don't think they have acted wrongly.

LauriefairycakeeatsCupid · 11/03/2009 10:52

Are you sure that's what they said. What they are supposed to do is tell both parents exactly what you said, that they are legally obliged to provide all info to both parents. Maybe she's just annoyed that she has been reminded of that.

The outcome however is the same, that both parents are allowed to know everything.

Withdrawing contact - separate issue from this. Lets face it from what you describe it doesn't take much for her to play up again and withdraw contact.

Sassybeast · 11/03/2009 10:56

'He never got round to chasing it until this week'

Er- this week it's March and you originally rang before Christmas ? I think a look at his priorities might be helpful ? That way he can see if this really is an issue that should be causing him cncern or just an excuse to stir up a bit of aggro with the evil ex.

Hawkmoth · 11/03/2009 11:01

Could be that it's been over-dramatised for DP's benefit.

In my innocent little way, I thought it would be automatic for parents who live separately to be able to request school communications with no questions asked, unless there was a legal matter ongoing. I mean, that's the law, but there is, seemingly, a lot of discrimination against non-resident parents, fathers in particular. The paranoid part of me wonders if this is because it's a small faith school and the staff there aren't very tolerant of divorce...

The thing is, DP has concerns about her attendance at school that he wanted to investigate before discussing them with ExW. If DSD has been telling porkies, it's better to have the figures in front of him before he starts asking her questions. Now she's all wound up it's unlikely they will be able to have a constructive discussion about this any time soon.

Also part of it is knowing when school events are in good time, NOT the day before when he picks them up. I in particular have a liking for school fairs and the associated cakes and always like something to look forward to!

OP posts:
duchesse · 11/03/2009 11:12

Your husband could ask the school to send everything out in duplicate. His ex is being a lunatic- of course he still has a say in his daughter's education. If her mother is being difficult I'd say it's his duty to contact the head and make sure he at least is standing by the child and her interests.

Hawkmoth · 11/03/2009 11:45

Too busy with all the kids to keep up on admin, plus you have to allow that the wheels of a school move slowly.

What have we had... tooth problems, innumerable viruses, potty training, weaning off dummies (at 6), sick parents, looking for a new job, kid being held back because her reading diary didn't get filled in over Christmas, to which mother wrote "She spent half the holidays with her dad". Oh no she didn't, they weren't allowed to come!

We'll have to see how it goes at parents' evening next week. I'm sure it'll be fine, she's a lovely bright girl but just a bit old and 4/5 inches too tall for her age.

OP posts:
Surfermum · 11/03/2009 12:29

They shouldn't have told his x, they should have just done what they were asked and obliged to do. They've just stirred up a whole load of trouble that they needn't have.

He sounds like a man who is concerned about his daughter, her schooling and wants to be involved to me, Sassy. Not someone who wants to stir up trouble. And I can understand why he treads carefully if his ex is one who withdraws contact for things like this.

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