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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For not approaching other parents at nursery or school if our children fall out?

22 replies

somuchtrouble · 10/03/2009 13:13

This is not a thread about a thread BUT a thread started by thoughts on another thread. IYSWIM.

I have also been of the mindset that I do not want to approach other parents if my child and there child fall out, I would rather speak to the staff and let them resolve it. My reasons for this are I feel uncomfortable as it may lead to conflict (and make things worse) and I have always believed that school or nursery are better placed to deal neutrally with these things and have a far better chance of actually seeing waht is going on.

Should I be more direct?

OP posts:

Nabster · 10/03/2009 13:13

IME No.

laweaselmys · 10/03/2009 13:16

YANBU from my point of view.

I work with small children though, and it is actually very useful if parents tell you they are worried about the relationship between various children because it effects how you would deal with them, because you can initiate getting them to work together on behaving civilly again as a neutral party.

laweaselmys · 10/03/2009 13:17

that sounds odd. I just mean it's easier for somebody neutral (ie staff) to get them to behave together than parents, because their is no bias involved which obviously parents absolutely cannot help having.

jack99 · 10/03/2009 13:19

somuch - yes, I think you were right to deal with it through the nursery. Speaking direct to parents can be seen as an attack by them and they may take it very personally. I know mums who have been yelled at by parents they approached about isues like this. it can get out of hand.

By speaking to nursey you get an impartial view of what is actually going on.

blackrock · 10/03/2009 13:19

I'm a teacher. I think a quiet word to the teacher can be managed carefully and not blown out of proportion. The teacher can then approach the other parent if intervention by parents is needed (ie. the children continue as before once spoken to), but the teacher is blamed for wny judgement. Something I am happy to take responsibility for, as i don't have to stand in the playground and socialise with the parents of the class.

Wise decision with no bitterness.

Original poster

somuchtrouble · 10/03/2009 13:20

laweaselmys and jack99 - This is what I thought!

OP posts:

Nontoxic · 10/03/2009 13:20

I would always go to the school first - the mothers don't usually like it when they find out but I think if things are happening in school that affect my child's well-being it's their responsibility to at least try to sort it out.

jack99 · 10/03/2009 13:21

speak to nursery I mean!

popperdoodles · 10/03/2009 13:21

IMO parents shouldn't get involved in childrens falling outs. What generally happens is the kids make up and forget about it in a day or so and the parents subsequent fall out can last a long time. If it needs adult intervention let school or nursery deal with it. If one of mine has been unkind to another child I will apologise to the parent if the warrants it but other than that I stay out of it with school friends.

MrsMattie · 10/03/2009 13:26

Who knows what the right answer is? I just play it by ear, to be honest. My DS has behavioural problems and probably pushes/snatches most days. he has had several proper run-ins with other children - hitting etc. The nursery do NOT tell parents who hit their child / who their child hit. Obvisouly, now they are mostly 4 yrs old, they 'grass' to us parents anyway .

Personally, I would never approach another parent. Why? What are they going to say/do about an incident that happened when they weren't there? It seems to work really well, as most the parents at my son's nursery are very friendly and sociable- and certainly none of us ever fall out over our kids fighting (and they are all extremely understanding towards me and my DS re: his issues).

In his old nursery, a few of the parents didn't speak to me because my son had pushed or hit their child at one time or another. he wasn't quite 3 yrs old then and I just thought that was so unfair to him and immature on their part. We - me, his dad and the nursery - were trying very hard to deal with the problems, and nothing was achieved by bitchy looks and off hand comments.

chloesmumtoo · 10/03/2009 13:29

I agree. From experience around our school I definately feel things should be delt with through the teachers. Alot of mums get head strong and its all wrong. Causes loads of fall outs.

BalloonSlayer · 10/03/2009 13:38

The only parent I know who approaches other parents about their child's behaviour is, of course, you've guessed it, the mother of the nearest thing we have to the school bully.

I say the nearest thing we have as he's not a bad lad really, and the mum is lovely but it's getting to the point where people pull this face when her name is mentioned.

Leave it with the school/nursery.

georgiemum · 10/03/2009 13:41

Depends on the age of the kids and what the fallout is about I suppose. I wouldn't interfere but probably drop 'shame that x and y aren't getting on just now' into the conversation.

Niftyblue · 10/03/2009 13:44

If I have had
I go to the teacher and let it get sorted from there.
They know how to deal with these issues

Would never dream of going to the parent first

ballonslayer we have a mum at our school who does`nt think twice about speaking to others mums about their kids
BUT if you did it to her.....

2rebecca · 10/03/2009 14:34

I've never spoken to any adult about this but left it to my kids to sort things out if they want. Different if the're being bullied, but if it's just ordinary tiffs and arguments then I think part of growing up is learning to deal with this sort of thing. I changed friends several times in my primary school, and my parents never interfered.
If it's a minor tiff then the kids usually make friends easily enough. If it's more major then they make new friends, much like adults really.
If my children have had a sudden change in friends I usually chat to them about it and discuss the situation. Sometimes they have broken up with their friend for quite a sensible reason though.
I remember breaking up with the girl over the road when I was about 12 as she was fine 1 to 1 with me but became a low grade bully when at school.
I really resented my mum trying to make me invite her to my birthday party after we had broken up. She eventually took the hint and shut up about her.

Qally · 10/03/2009 17:05

Think it depends. If the other parents are good friends and you want active intervention, IMO it's better to talk to them as a first step, in a non-accusatory, we-have-a-problem rather than YOUR KID IS EVIL way. If the parents aren't close, and/or you just want an eye kept, I think school/nursery all the way. If well handled by them, the parents and kids never need to know anything was ever said. I do agree with 2rebecca, though, that unless it's actively bullying/colonising, it's best left for the kids to resolve between themselves. They learn how to negotiate difficult people, that way.

screamingabdab · 10/03/2009 19:40

The only time I have ever approached another parent was when my DS2 bit another child at playgroup (and drew blood --eek!).
I just wanted to reassure her that I was taking it seriously. Luckily she was very decent about it.

DS2 is now a Lover not a Biter

youhavegottobekidding · 10/03/2009 21:14

i was wondering the same thing my DD has 2 girls in her class who gang up on her and are pretty cruel most weeks. silly things but they are put you down kind of comments. i have spoken to the school a few times now, no way am i going to approach the mums at the school gates. a) i would sound petty as its not downright bullying just being horrible and b) they will be very protective bitch and make things uncomfortable for everyone. best to leave it to the school

2rebecca · 10/03/2009 23:34

When my son was bullied by another kid I contacted the school and they were very good about it.
I think bullying is different to children "falling out" though. If someone bullied me I wouldn't say I'd fallen out with them, so I presume the thread starter wasn't thinking of bullying but more the "I don't like x any more" sort of stuff, that often seems to be children developing personalities and realising that some personality combinations don't work.

RnR · 11/03/2009 00:16

Conflicts are best dealt with at the time so it is best to inform the teacher who can then keep an eye out for further incidents to occur or inform the dinner ladies/playgound duty peeps to keep an eye out. As a teacher I find that often the children forget quite quickly once dealt with immediately. Also depends on the issue of course.

thirtypence · 11/03/2009 00:20

If it was a mum I talked to before I carry on talking to them. If it was a mum I didn't really know I carry on not really knowing them. Children need to know that an adult thing to do is to have some people who are friends and some people that you are not friends with (but not enemies, just don't really talk to) not people you talk to one day and then are "not friends with the next".

And if I didn't see something - I don't get involved.

Qally · 11/03/2009 01:48

2Rebecca, I agree, but I think sometimes it's hard to tell if bullying or usual human friction's in question, if a parent only gets one side - hence the school being well placed to work it through.

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