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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be crying my eyes out because.......

23 replies

somuchtrouble · 10/03/2009 12:42

One of the other mums at my DS nursery was distinctly off with me this morning.

Background......My DS and her DS were good friends (they are 4) until recently! They have been having lots of spats, some verbal and some physical. I did'nt think too much about it but I did speak to the nursery when her DS hit my DS in the face with a toy and I told DS to stay away from the other boy if they can't get on. At no point have I thought it was one sided.

So, the other mum approached me about the situation last week after her DS had told her that I would'nt let my Ds play with her DS. She was very friendly and said that she did not know about the the situation and would have a word with her DS. A few days later she said she'd had a word and her DS was going to play nicely. I thought that was the end of it.

Anyway I have been asking DS if things have been ok and if he has been playing with the other boy which he has.All fine as far as I know. I happened to casually say that things seem better now and she was really off with me, saying that the nursery did'nt think there was anything going on and that there was quite a few children not getting on etc - it was'nt so much what she said but her body language and hostility towards me. I hate being in this situation.

OP posts:

HecatesTwopenceworth · 10/03/2009 12:47

Ignore. Pretend you haven't noticed. She's pissed off because by speaking to the nursery and by advising your own child to stay away, you have critisised her child, iyswim.

It's too late now, but you really should have approached her before speaking to the nursery. More courteous. you never even gave her the chance to sort it out. That's probably what she's most pissed off about.

Original poster

somuchtrouble · 10/03/2009 12:51

The reason I did'nt approach her was to avoid a situation like this! Prehaps I should have spoken to her first.

OP posts:

MrsMattie · 10/03/2009 12:54

I wouldn't worry about it (hard, I know) but honestly, these things do blow over, and if they don't - ie. she continues to be frosty with you - well, that's her problem, isn't it? Kids fall out all the time and children who are friends at 3 and 4 are rarely friends at 7 or 8, really. No point getting fraught about it. Dry your eyes, m'luv

sleepyeyes · 10/03/2009 12:59

YABU Children that age fight a lot telling your son to stay away from her son was mean, you should have tried to sort it out with the other mum. I would have been 'off' with you for being so OTT.

wotulookinat · 10/03/2009 13:02

Certainly not worth crying over.

Original poster

somuchtrouble · 10/03/2009 13:02

sleepyeyes, I agree but it was getting physically out of hand. I really feel comfortable approaching other parents about things like this and would rather let the nursery sort it out. Prehaps I don need to rethink this as I said before. BTW, I don't think it is healthy for a realtionship to be encouraged when it is making one or both of the children unhappy.

OP posts:

Original poster

somuchtrouble · 10/03/2009 13:03

uncomfortable

OP posts:

jumpingbeans · 10/03/2009 13:04

and this is making you "cry your eyes out" you might need to toughen up a bit if he's only four -you may have far worse heading your way

jack99 · 10/03/2009 13:14

somuchtrouble - I agree its not pleasant to fall out with someone like this, but it wouldn't make most people cry. Are you feeling depressed and therefore not able to cope as well as you otherwise would with niggles like this?

Original poster

somuchtrouble · 10/03/2009 13:15

jack99 - I did'nt really want to say (trying to not be recognised in RL) but I'm about to have a baby and probably v. hormonal.

OP posts:

jumpingbeans · 10/03/2009 13:17

Oh Well....... that says it all

sleepyeyes · 10/03/2009 13:20

somuch I can understand you being upset when your DS is upset that about being hurt but they were friends before plus the other little boy is probably feeling hurt now because you have told your son to stay away.
IMO you should try to work together to help them remember they used to be friends and how much nicer that is rather than encouraging them to be enemys. Both boys need to learn that even if they no longer get on they still have to tolerate each other telling them to stay away from one another will not fix the problem.

jack99 · 10/03/2009 13:23

Ah yes, somuch, I spent most of my pregnancies either crying or throwing tantrums!

Original poster

somuchtrouble · 10/03/2009 13:24

sleepeyes, prehaps I should try this approach. i am finding it hard to think straight at the moment and have based my decsion on past experience ie when my DD has fallen out with a friend, they were told that if they continued to argue they needed to stay away from each other and they did for a while and are now best of frinds!

OP posts:

Divineintervention · 10/03/2009 13:27

somuch can you imagine if someone told you they had told their child not to play with yours? I wouldn't speak to you either you sound very tactless.

jack99 · 10/03/2009 13:34

Divine - she told her child to avoid the other one if they could not play together without hitting each other. Didn't come across as her saying "stay away from that awful child". she recognises that both kids are to blame!

I have said on several occasions to both of my dcs "if you can't get on together just go and play with someone else!".

I think you are being a bit touchy if this offends you.

Divineintervention · 10/03/2009 13:57

Well, that's what happens if you don't read properly--oops

Original poster

somuchtrouble · 10/03/2009 13:57

Divine, actually as I have mentioned before I have been in a situation like this before and it was agreed all round that my DD and the other girl should steer clear if they can't get and guess what they play really well together now!

OP posts:

Divineintervention · 10/03/2009 14:16

I was mocking myself, I didn't read your OP correctly..... sorry.

Original poster

somuchtrouble · 10/03/2009 14:19

It is ok Divine.

OP posts:

jack99 · 10/03/2009 14:21

Go stand in the corner at once, divine!

ShauntheSheep · 10/03/2009 14:26

Well I think you did exactly the right thing SMT. you are much better off talking to the nursery rather than going to the mum direct. That is part fo the Nureserys job and the conflict was takign place while they were at nursery. I dont agree that it is better to settle these things between parents as IME taht often leads to much worse trouble.

TBH if thats her reaction then you are better off steering clear of her jsut like you advised your son to do with her son

Blottedcopybook · 10/03/2009 14:28

I read the first sentence and thought, "Cripes, I wonder if she's pregnant?!"

I think it's a very visceral reaction you've had this morning, and being hormonal has prompted the tears. Don't worry too much about it. If it were me I'd try and make a joke of it next time you can chat to her but I'd also advise caution in what you say to your DS - kids can be very clever at taking what they want from a conversation, hence your "If you can't play nicely don't play together" has been misconstrued by either your DS or his friend into "don't play with that little brat". I'd also advise placing more trust in the nursery staff because they'll be used to dealing with this kind of thing day in and day out.

Hope you feel a bit brighter now.

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