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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry that some of the advice given on here could actually CAUSE trouble between partners

17 replies

LucyEllensmummy · 10/03/2009 09:52

Does anyone else think this? I do worry that sometimes we (I am very guilty of doing this too so this isn't a dig at anyone!!!) tend to get on our high horse about peoples partners and this might promote them to react in a way that is inappropriate? Prolong an argument or even (heaven forbid) give up on a relationship that is worth saving.

We only get one side of the story here - generally the woman's. And in general the consensus tends to be "he's a bastard string him up". Yes of course there are times when this is appropriate, but it is very dodgy ground when we only hear one side of a story from someone who is upset at the time of posting etc.

Ive done it, posted something relatively trivial about DP, people have taken it more seriously than i do and i have been carried away by it and the resentment festers. I don't tend to post much about my DP because of this now.

All the advice is well meaning (sorry i know that sounds patronising but its not meant that way) but it is often very skewed towards the feminist "don't take any prisoners" response ime.

Just my musings

OP posts:

QuantitativeMeasure · 10/03/2009 09:54

I dont post about my DP's misgivings (and there are plenty of them)on here.

Shitemum · 10/03/2009 09:54

Yes, I think it's easy to say exactly what you think on an anonymous internet forum. In RL we would be more likely to nod and go 'hmm, yes, poor you' and offer tea, but less opinion perhaps...

GypsyMoth · 10/03/2009 09:55

Yabu.... All adults here, up to them how they act on things. There is an array of opinions anyway,rarely do all posters post the same.

rubyslippers · 10/03/2009 09:56

this is why i have never posted about my DH on here

also, i see a lot of well balanced, informative and useful advice which has been life changing as well

if my friend told me she was being abused by her DH i would tell her to contact women's aid just as i would on here

agree it is easier to misconstrue or get a skewed version of events on a forum though

Original poster

LucyEllensmummy · 10/03/2009 09:57

in black and white tiffany yes, you are right, but there often tends to be a general wave of "string the fucker up by his balls" and it is easy to get carried along by it, adult or not, if one is upset.

OP posts:

georgimama · 10/03/2009 09:58

I never post anything about me and DH's marriage on here, I don't think it is actually that good an idea. I hid the relationships topic but it became pointless as lots of threads that are about relationships end up in chat as well.

None of us are experts, we can only advise on what we read, and the OPs don't have to accept the advice. But in general, I do agree with you. There is a contingent that sees wife beaters and narcissists (sp!) everywhere. Narcissists has become a bit of a MN obsession lately - every man who is a bit of a twat is a narcissist.

wishingchair · 10/03/2009 09:59

Yes but all you need is a few "I wouldn't stand for that" kind of opinions which leave you feeling like a doormat (even if not the case when viewed in context of your life together, not just this one incident) and as LEM says, you feel you ought to make a serious stand over something fairly trivial.

That said, as ILoveTiffany says, you do tend to get a variety of opinions ...

nickytwotimes · 10/03/2009 09:59

Yabu.
It is easy to get the wrong end of the stick on an internet forum, but surely as adults we have the capacity to view any advice given within that context?

Original poster

LucyEllensmummy · 10/03/2009 10:01

yes ruby, there most certainly is some very GOOD and BALANCED advice on here, i absolutely recognise that. Having recieved plenty myself!! Its just that sometimes, its not like that and i do worry that things might get taken further in RL as a result of it......

I can't fault the posts telling women of abusive partners to get out and it is fantastic that this support network is available. I just worry that sometimes it is very easy to misread based on the only seeing one side sort of thing.

My friend has problems with her DH just now - i think he is behaving like a cunt. It would be very easy for me to say, leave the bastard, but how am i to know if he can pull himself together or not - my instinct is he can, but if she was posting on here they would be divorced ages ago. I don't know if they will stay together or not.

OP posts:

rubyslippers · 10/03/2009 10:03

LEM - even if you told your friend to leave her DH, it is ultimatley up to them if they actually made the break or not

advice is suggestions or new ways of looking at things not something which HAS to be actioned

Niecie · 10/03/2009 10:07

I think there is a tendency for me to only post on the 'string em up by the balls threads' if the DP/DH is really bad.

If he isn't that bad I tend not to bother. Maybe I should post to help counterbalance all the 'string em up by the balls' comments.

I do often see both sides of an argument but don't bother to post unless I have one partner or the other who obviously deserves support.

Maybe I should be posting a more balanced view, maybe we all should.

I think some people have been very badly hurt and their views come from not wanting other women to suffer in the same way. Perhaps they see something in an OP which they had ignored in their own relationships but which eventually blew up in their faces. You can't help comparing your experiences with the OP in that case I suppose.

But I don't really post about my DH either because if you have a little moan people do tend to think your whole marriage is a disaster and you are better off out of it which it isn't. Not compared to some of the stories on here anyway.

ScottishMummy · 10/03/2009 10:10

relationships threads polarise opinions.inevitably someone says "leave him/womens aid number" and posts a link to something like i-am-woman-i-am-strong.com

thing is post on a public forum (esp AIBU) expect a range of opinions. if you no likey the range of opinions maybe don't traipse your relationship through public forum

also have seen it were everyone wads in with "he is a git" and OP gets the hump and starts to stick up for him. "you dont know him".

Original poster

LucyEllensmummy · 10/03/2009 10:11

SM ive done that loads of times .

OP posts:

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 10/03/2009 10:15

Yes the advice is totally one sided - a friend in RL is more likely to consider your DH's POV. But MN is invaluable for exploring options available to you and I honestly think you're not going to up and leave unless you were planning to anyway. MN can be the push needed, but it's not strong enough to be the catalyst.

cestlavie · 10/03/2009 10:16

It is a good point. I'm constantly surprised that the level of ferocity that gets aimed at guys on the Relationships topics - yesterday there was one were a guy had got hammered, stayed out all night, didn't phone and barely made it back for his kid's birthday party the next day - absolutely appalling behaviour obviously but there were a couple of posters saying that the woman should leave him. I mean, seriously, is that helpful advice?

Entirely agree that it's only advice and that everyone is an adult and can make their own judgements but there are three caveats to that.

Firstly, it strikes me that people giving advice should always bear in mind that real people (and real children) are involved and advice that they give online should be the same they would give to a friend in real life.

Secondly, whilst people are technically free to ignore the 'advice', very vehement posts are hard to ignore - if 'advice' is, for example, along the lines of "your DH is treating you like a doormat and clearly has no respect for you, he'll just take advantage more and more, you'd be an idiot to stay around for him etc. etc." it is very hard to ignore particularly if made by a couple of people.

Finally, you get vicious spirals of negative advice which ends up making the situation potential far worse. For example, someone might post saying that they are concerned about DH's friendship with a new woman at work and literally, within about 50 posts it is a fait accompli that he is having a full on affair and the discussion has moved on to whether she should leave him/ hire a private detective.

Obviously, there are many cases (e.g. of abuse amongst other) that do require extreme and quick action, but the majority of postings in Relationships strike me as ones whih require thoughtful, considered and compassionate advice.

ScottishMummy · 10/03/2009 10:17

also seen the habitual threads about DH,and i think maybe you post because it is cathartic and they don't need/read the comments

post away by all means,but as an adult you are responsible for your motivation and volition.not a bunch of strangers tap tapping

most likely,folk post after argy bargy when things are most raw,and in RL cool down

ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 10/03/2009 10:21

I know what you mean LEM BUT - a couple of times I have posted on here about stupid arguments between DH and I and the string em up brigade helped me put into perspective how I felt about DH's behaviour.

He had been a prat and annoyed my but didn't deserve to be called all the names under the sun.

There are occasions that I have read threads where the MN community has supported someone in a very abusive relationship to have the courage to leave and with real pointers to information about how to do that.

I hope that most people don't come off MN with a baseball bat and go at their partners as a result of people agreeing that he had been a prat/wanker/ etc.

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