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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another extended family - I don't want to go!

26 replies

nicefleece · 10/03/2009 08:33

Every year since we have been together, MIL books a big house, usually 5 hr drive away (abroad twice), for whole extended family. We have gone 5 out of the 7 years we have been together, one year we could not afford the fares abroad and did not want to travel so far with young babe, and another time we were on honeymoon.
Last year DH had a week abroad with MIL (I said go for it as she is knocking on a bit, then regretted it as I was left at home with 11 mth old and 3 yo) and then we had a week on (his) 'family holiday', which I did not want to go on, as kids were 1 and 3, it was bloody miles away and we had to have them sleeping in the room with us. Add to this the fact my BIL is condescending (cuts me off mid sentence, patronising etc etc), and the cousins are obsessed with blood & guts and I am filled with dread.
Big row last night, hubby says I don't have to go as he will go on his own with kids for a few days. I feel pushed into it (again)
I know I should be grateful MIL wants to pay for our holiday, and that it should be a great opportunity to catch up with hubby's family, but it feels like it is hanging over me. Plus we have to put the dog in kennels!
I don't want to go on holiday with them every year! We never have any say as to where it is , and with 8 adults & 5 kids, 5 bedrooms is never enough! Our kids will have to go in the telly room.
Am I being unreasonable? Help!

OP posts:
Tee2072 · 10/03/2009 08:35

You couldn't pay me to go on a holiday like that. Tell DH to go, have fun, enjoy the kids. Then go to a spa while they're gone!

Owls · 10/03/2009 08:37

He's suggested he'll go and take the DCs. Let him! You get some time to yourself and the dog won't have to go in kennels. Win win I think. Well, it's what I would do anyway.

fishie · 10/03/2009 08:38

i bet your children love it though and will have lovely memories of holidays in a big family group.

Fleurlechaunte · 10/03/2009 08:38

YANBU, especially as you have gone 5 out of the 7 years. It sounds like hell on earth to me and I would feel exactly as you do.

What about letting him take the dc on his own for the few days. Sounds like a good compromise to me, although personally I would not like this either as I would miss my kids too much. However they are his kids too and I think you may have to bite the bullet on this one.

Believe me I do now how you feel, although you have up till now been a lot more flexible than I would have been. My MIL used to expect us over nearly every weekend. In the end I just let DS go over with DH as ds loved being there. Worked out well as a compromise for us.

Tommy · 10/03/2009 08:38

we have been on holiday twice with the ILs. After the first one, we said "never again" and somehow last year we got coerced into it again.

You are not being unreasonable at all - holidays are meant to be relaxing and fun. Your MIL might get a good holiday out of it b ut you don't seem to be relaxed or having fun so you should steer clear.

Could you manage a weekend and then you and DH and children go on somewhere else?

HeadFairy · 10/03/2009 08:39

What would your MIL say if you suggested hiring a cottage nearby where they are staying, telling your MIL that the children need their own room and you'd all be too cramped together in a smaller place they're intending on renting? Some holiday lets often have three or four cottages next to each other in the same location, that way you get a bit of space but you're not not going on holiday with them.

Bubbaluv · 10/03/2009 08:40

I agree with Tee, take him up on his offer and enjoy some time to yourself! When was the last time you had time all to yourself for a few days!? Mmmmmmm
Once this year has been sorted out I would sit down with your DH and calmly talk about it. Maybe agree that every other year would be OK, but not every year!! Does he not have any places in mind that he would like to go on holidays to? Maybe use that as the bait?

LibrasJusticeLeagueofBiscuits · 10/03/2009 08:56

Send DH and kids. Stay home, drink wine, mumsnet, have long lie-ins, eat chocolate in open and not hiding behind fridge door or washing machine, take long baths.

Tinker · 10/03/2009 08:56

God no, not being unreasonable at all. My "ils" are lovely but I just could not do this. So doing it people you're not keen on every year = No way.

Original poster
nicefleece · 10/03/2009 08:59

I know the kids love it, hubby loves it, all the ILs love it I am the demonic one who does not. And I really like 99% of the family- I just do not want to!

I tried to suggest a holiday near a beach last year, so that our little ones could play, but we are in the middle of hills, so the daily event is a walk - this year our 2yo will be too small to walk but too big to be carried, but no. overruled. I think my main problem is that I have no input into it.

Mebbe I button it this year and go, but say ABSOLUTELY no way next year?
Aggghhh

OP posts:
fishie · 10/03/2009 09:02

oh dear. it does sound as though it could be much nicer and they aren't making it easy for you.

headfairy's suggestion is really good, you could take the dog and save the kennel money.

Original poster
nicefleece · 10/03/2009 09:23

I asked DH last night to 'phone MIL and suggest another venue - thing is we have already booked a cottage in June which MIL is coming to for 3 nights and my parents are coming for 3 nights too, so not sure want to splash out for another! Thought this would be enough family for this year.

Think the 2 cottages would work better. Shall try it. My parents would also love to go away with grandchildren for a week but my Mum said she would never presume to monopolise so much of our holiday time Aggggh

To be honest, I would rather the 4 of us went away somewhere nice on our own. I am so weary of this every year.

OP posts:
Original poster
nicefleece · 10/03/2009 09:38

Any suggestions of nice groups of cottages?

OP posts:
compo · 10/03/2009 09:43

you've booked a holiday for a week in June and your parents are coming 3 nights and inlaws are coming 3 nights and your parents say they would never dream of monopolising your holidays?!!
I don't get this holidaying with family
Just go and stay with them for a few days and have the holidays to yourself!

kslatts · 10/03/2009 10:37

If your IL's are paying for the holiday then could you not go away just you, dh and dcs another time? Could you say to your DH you will go, as long as you go away at another time too.

mondaymonday · 10/03/2009 10:44

yanbu it sounds like an absolute nightmare to me

It's not just the fact that you could go away separately as well, what would annoy me is that you have to spend some of your time off on holiday you don't want to go on. My days off are precious and I'd hate that

I think you've done your dues by going 5 years tbh. Guess it's pretty hard to stop the habit now though (my mother was right, a habit becomes a chore!)

BonsoirAnna · 10/03/2009 10:48

You do not have to go on this holiday.

However, you do owe it to your MIL to explain very politely and gently why you do not wish to do so (you want time alone with your DH and children).

Original poster
nicefleece · 10/03/2009 10:49

Maybe I should just drink wine every lunchtime and get a bad case of flatulence....
...think am going bit doolally!

OP posts:
Original poster
nicefleece · 10/03/2009 10:52

Don't mind about the holiday in June - thought it would get us off the hook, plus it is on a beach and there ae enough bedrooms... but then that is our choice!

OP posts:
2rebecca · 10/03/2009 14:43

Why do you not like the idea of a week on your own?
I think as with most inlaw disputes the problem here is really between you and your husband. He enjoys big family holidays and doesn't understand/want to accept that as they are not really your family you don't feel the same way.
I think you need to discuss a compromise of maybe only going with them 1 year in 2 or 3 and having small family holidays without any of the extended rellies on the other years. Explain that you enjoy choosing and planning holidays, and that although they are his family they aren't really yours and you'd prefer just a small family group.
I enjoy being with my extended family but find my husbands family boring for long periods. He feels the same about my family. Unless you come from a disfunctional family I think most people feel at home with their own families and like a spare part with someone elses, no matter how nice they are.
Your husband needs to have this explained to him.
I wouldn't want a holiday in cramped accomodation unless I'm choosing to camp as well.

Original poster
nicefleece · 10/03/2009 16:00

That sums it up 2Rebecca.

I don't want to miss out on a family holiday with my immediate family- they are so little still! Also, I do like my inlaws and don't want to be seen as being petulant (maybe I am being petulant?).

I guess what I would really like is my husband to talk to his mum and say we'd like some input, how about somewhere big enough (we'd chip in), a bit nearer, and with someone elses kids having to sleep in their room instead of ours (we are always the only ones to have them in with us over Christmas).

Poor sod doesn't know what a fun discussion we'll be having ce soir!

OP posts:
girlywhirly · 10/03/2009 16:32

Re MIL choosing accommodation with too few bedrooms, point out what will happen in the future as children grow, more may come along etc. and it will be uncomfortable.
It's also quite controlling behaviour to choose where you all go every time, very unfair to not let people have input. I think the suggestion of several separate cottages together is good. Everyone has the opportunity to get away from each other at times. As much as you like people, being cooped up with them for the duration can be unbelievably stressful and not a holiday at all. (Even my widowed MIL wasn't difficult, she was a great help with 21mth DS, but I was still relieved to get away from her after a fortnight!) But even with several cottages I expect your MIL will be chivvying everyone to be sharing meals altogether in much smaller dining facilities, nightmare.

I don't think you're unreasonable at all to want time as a family as well as or instead of MILs choice.

Original poster
nicefleece · 10/03/2009 16:39

Yay! I agree girlywhirly - exactly how I feel. I love all the shared meals, help, fun the kids have etcbut feel like I have no say at all.

So what to do now? DH said that with a big family, someone has to take the plunge, when I said about it being too controlling yesterday......
Plan A, DH ring MIL and suggest separate cottages with us chipping in, but I know DH thinks it is OK for kids to sleep in 2nd lounge...

OP posts:
girlywhirly · 10/03/2009 17:05

Depends what the second lounge is like Nicefleece! If you don't know, what if it turned out to be really tiny, or open to another room, or on a different floor from you, or is unsafe in any other way? Would the other rellies let their children stay in a room they're unhappy with?

You never know, some of the others may be thinking the same as you, but are afraid to raise the subject! People can't assume that things will be the same for ever, how will MIL cope when her grandchildren finally want to do their own thing on holiday, I bet they won't hold back! Imagine a bunch of sulky teens being dragged out of bed before midday to go on a walk!

Present some options to the inlaws, different locations, and nearer, and with possibility to bring the dog. Dog will limit your options, though. If they can't or won't compromise, this might be your last holiday with them in this way.

Original poster
nicefleece · 10/03/2009 17:26

Well, we went there last year, and ended up with 3 yo in our room on squeeky lilo, and 11 mth old in big sitting room downstairs from us (with baby monitor).

I am sure everyone else loves it - and MIL is lovely if a little oblivious. I am going to get DH to spek to his mum and suggest some alternatives preferably not so far away and with enough beds.

God you can really bang on about stuff that's niggling you on here without thinking everyone will avoid you at toddlers can't you? New to this and can imagine I will waste hours!

OP posts:
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