Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect some contribution..

22 replies

DoThisDoThat · 10/03/2009 06:34

Hi. Don't think I am but need other views.

We live abroad and mum and dad live in our house in England. We pay mortgage, all bills, inc telephone, car tax, insurance, everything. I give mum (she's retired) the net equivalent of £20,000 a year as dad is unemployed and she really helps out with the kids when we're home and she comes out two or three times a year. I really appreciate her help and couldn't have done the last few years without her BUT ...

She's just told us the car needs two new tyres (they drive it) and the tracking is out and want us to pay for it. Is that okay or am i being unreasonable to ask them to pay for half of it. It's £300.

OP posts:
llareggub · 10/03/2009 06:51

No. You are so not being unreasonable!

ClaudiaSchiffer · 10/03/2009 06:59

Blimey lady, you are SOOOO NBU. Why do they expect you to pay for everything? Do they have a pension? Paying half of those costs is surely the minimum to expect them to contribute. You are incredibly generous - I hope one of my daughters grows up like you

mm22bys · 10/03/2009 07:00

YANBU.

They should be paying at least a token amount for "rent", any consumption bills, plus for at least some of the cost of the tyres too, if they are the ones who use it the most!

mylifemykids · 10/03/2009 07:55

I'd get them to pay ALL of it!! What a cheek

kitbit · 10/03/2009 08:12

I'm assuming she's not asking because she doesn't have the money, but because she perceives it as "your car, your expense"?

If you can easily afford it, you have to decide whether or not you want to create a row over it. If money's not an issue it might be worth paying for it to keep the waters calm, even though I think she should be paying for it really.

Original poster
DoThisDoThat · 10/03/2009 08:26

Hi kitbit, think that's it. Problem is, they sold their car to get more cash on the basis that they could use ours (and we rent them a small one when we're back - it's a big one i'm afraid we live in the country and have lots of kids and a dog!)so really they would have had expense on their own car if they hadn't sold it. Also. we wouldn't have had this problem on the car if it was sat on our driveway insead of being used iyswim. My best friend thinks I'm crazy but my mum has real money issues (as in is terrified of having no money although she's NEVER been in debt)and it's a very difficult subject. We can afford it right now but really need to be saving our money to get our mortgage down which is the point of being out here.

I really don't know what she does with the money she gets from me. Prob gives it to my waste of space brother. Can you tell there are lots of "ishoos" in our family lol!

OP posts:
HecatesTwopenceworth · 10/03/2009 09:01

My GOD! Do you buy their clothes and food as well?

Why on EARTH are you doing this? Are you planning on paying for everything for ever?

What do you think they would do if you said "I am really sorry, but we can no longer afford to support you, you will have to pay your own bills from now on."

bellavita · 10/03/2009 09:07

Blimey - will you pay my bills too?

nelix2000 · 10/03/2009 09:34

ridiculous....infact incredulous that you even need to ask. Of course she should pay!

Lawks · 10/03/2009 09:38

I need a new tyre too. Can I pop it on your bill?

dollius · 10/03/2009 09:39

It's not your job to pay for your parents. I'd say you need to completely rearrange this.

They should be paying rent.
They should be paying all the bills.
They should be paying you to use your car.
They should be paying for any related costs, such as new tyres.

These are basic things that everyone has to provide for themselves.

I can't think of one person who would be comfortable taking this kind of financial support from their children.

wishingchair · 10/03/2009 09:43

Hang on ... you pay all the bills AND you give her £20,000 a year? Or is the mortgage, bills etc the equivalent of £20,000 a year? Either way, it is perfectly reasonable that they pay for ongoing 'consumption' items ... I assume they pay for their own dental treatment, visits to the optician, food etc. This is no different. If you pay the bills PLUS give the £20k in cash, then they are being very very unreasonable.

No idea how you'll broach this one with her as you say there are lots of issues in your family and money is one of the worst to talk about ...

Bubbaluv · 10/03/2009 10:15

Spend the money on getting your parents to sit down with an accountant/financial planner to sort themselves out!
You can't treat them like children forever - how do they stomach it!?
I think an accountant needs to point out to them the total value of what you give them every year and show them how to use that to lookafter themselves and plan for the future.
Could that aleviate some of your DM's money issues?

DandyLioness · 10/03/2009 10:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

gagamama · 10/03/2009 10:59

God, I wouldn't pay anything towards it. Just casually inform her that as you won't be needing it again until you return to the UK, she can either pay for it herself or leave it parked on the drive until you come back! Nothing unreasonable there - you already pay all their living expenses and then pay them a SALARY on top of that!

You're obviously very lovely and generous but I would be tempted to rethink this arrangement.

idlingabout · 10/03/2009 11:08

YANBU at all and need to think about getting them to stand on their own two feet more. I am intrigued by your suspicion that they spend YOUR money on your brother. What are they going to do if you need to come back to live in England ?

HecatesTwopenceworth · 10/03/2009 11:45

lovely and generous? In the nicest way possible, I think she's a mug! I'd be very interested to hear whether her parents feel she has any sort of duty to keep them.

(but OP, if you are chucking it about, I could do with a new sofa. )

mumeeee · 10/03/2009 11:52

YANBU. They should be pay for the tyres and they also should be giving you some rent.

Original poster
DoThisDoThat · 10/03/2009 12:20

Hi. Thanks for the replies. I am going to get MUG tatooed on my head. It is something I need to tackle, though, or get my mum to face up to. Dad will get a job soon, he had his own business which has just failed, sadly.

Idlingabout, my brother is always skint and borrowing money. He is 35 but acts like he's 15. Hey ho! I gave up subbing him a couple of years ago so now mum does it. With ym money. I think this is what pisses me off most.

Anyway, enough of airing dirty linen! Must deal with this. One day.

OP posts:
kitbit · 10/03/2009 13:59

What gagamama said! Tell them you can't afford to get it fixed at the moment so just leave it parked there until you're back.
DO NOT be talked into providing a hire car in the meantime.

disenchantedgnomie · 10/03/2009 14:05

Crickey YANBU!

jesuswhatnext · 10/03/2009 15:38

sorry, who are the kids here?

i really would struggle with my own self respect if i lived on my childs money like this.

so - no yanbu

New posts on this thread. Refresh page