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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

when DC's move in on "me" time

21 replies

stoppinattwo · 08/03/2009 08:00

My DC's are a bit older 10 and 7....and I realise that LO's dont understand "mums time" however mine to and it seems that they continuallt persist to try and chip away at it so as I end up with non. They have an un nuerving ability to suss out when Im taking 5 minutes to myself and come up with the most obscure requests...well not obscure butI just think they dont like to see me doing nothing. > which makes it v difficult because I work full time also and so my home time with them is also spent doing other stuff around the house, doing things with them....(they have a hectic social calendar of things to do) and having me time ....but just this morning DD wants to play scrabble at 7am!!! now scrabble is great for her and is a fab game, but i really just wanted to chill with my coffee and cereal....so cue the guilt trip I inflict on myself. I find im constantly saying "in a minute" or "tell you what we will do that after such and such has finished" ..............oh so many things and not enough hours in the day!!!!

OP posts:

compo · 08/03/2009 08:12

I think you have to be strict
It is not unreasonable to say 'look dd you can see I'm having my breakfast, we'll play scrabble later', they have to larn they can't just demand and get what they want straight away

Original poster

stoppinattwo · 08/03/2009 08:29

I usually come out with something like that, I think the problem is the guilt I feel, it probably isnt their fault come to think of it, it is probably me trying to make up for not spending time with them as much as i feel should when really the time I do spend with them is good time ......oh it is such a guilt trip

OP posts:

compo · 08/03/2009 08:30

aw, motherhood is nothing but one long guilt trip I find

GrapefruitMoon · 08/03/2009 08:44

I think at 10 & 7 they are old enough to understand that asking you to play scrabble at 7am is not on! Tbh, I wouldn't even feel obliged to be up with them that early at the weekend....

I am not a morning person and it was really getting me down that our days were starting badly due to the ds's coming into my bed and jumping all over me at any time from 6.30 onwards... I am trying to get them to stay in their own room or go downstairs on their own until a more reasonable time. They don't jump on the bed now at least but ds2 does whinge from the doorway about being hungry for his breakfast - but he is perfectly capable of helping himself to a snack if needs be He is only 5 though...

As long as you do stuff with them later in the day there is no need to feel guilty!

piscesmoon · 08/03/2009 08:46

Of course they don't want you to have 'me' time, they want your attention!
Don't have a guilt trip, just explain that you are going to have some time to yourself and will then spend time with them. Set a timer if necessary, so that it has a definite end and then ignore them! Enjoy it and don't feel guilty.

screamingabdab · 08/03/2009 08:47

Hi stopinattwo. YANBU. It must be really hard. You deserve me-time, so be firm

Is it particular times of the day you find it hard to be encroached upon?

I love my DSs (5 and 8) coming up to snuggle in bed in the morning, but if they then immediately start saying "what are we doing today?", i find that really annoying. I am actually much better if I go downstairs 5 minutes later than everyone else, otherwise it sets me off in a bad mood.

Could you cut down on the social activities?
I am a SAHM, but I was finding we were not getting any after-school times without playdates etc, so now we have one night a week with just us, and they do their homework, and we don't have the telly on, and we try and play a game or something.

Original poster

stoppinattwo · 08/03/2009 08:49

compo

GFM If you arnt a morning person 6.30 must nbe a nightmare!!!.

I dont mind, infact I love early mornings honestly, it is just I need a sign to hang around my neck saying do not disturb, this is my time...infact dont even speak to me...there is plenty of other things you could do .

OP posts:

fizzpops · 08/03/2009 09:07

They probably see you quietly sitting 'doing nothing' and think that now would be a good time to ask you to play scrabble with them. Just explain that although you look as if you are doing nothing it is important that you have some quiet time to yourself.

CharleeInChains · 08/03/2009 09:12

I am really strict about 'me time' and my ds's are only 4 and 2!

If i don't have at least 5-10 mins of me time to have a coffe or flick through a mag or something i turn into a horrible banshee. This applys to dp to, i don't want hugging/kissing/climbing on all day.

My kids wil sit on me constantly if they could they don't give a damn about playing.

SO YANBU you are human and everyone needs time to themselves.

singyswife · 08/03/2009 09:19

My dd2 in particular is bad for this. She will beplaying by herself or we are just in from the park or something and I will say 'right mummy is going to have a quick cup of tea before we do x' and all of a sudden she is dying of starvation or NEEDS a drink, or cannot find something or needs me to put a bit on the jigsaw she is doing etc etc etc. And it is all to be done right now, she is the ultimate queen of pester power.

I actually think the 'do not disturb' sign is a great idea. I may create one of those for myself and they are not allowed to talk to me while I am wearing it. What a fab idea.

SerendipitousHarlot · 08/03/2009 11:39

I completely agree with what you said about them not liking seeing you doing nothing. It appears that dh can play endless xbox or whatever and my 2 just amuse themselves.. but if I want to watch something, or sit down with a book, they can't bear it and mither constantly

FlorenceofArabia · 08/03/2009 11:58

My DD is only 4 but she understands that mummy needs "ME time". It is possible, you just need to be firm.

Fairynufff · 08/03/2009 12:37

I believe in the benign neglect school of motherhood so ALL 3 of my children can play for hours by themselves.
My friend has a bright 8 year old daughter who cannot be left for one second without a structured timetable and she becomes very distressed at my house (because entertainment isn't laid on)- her mother suffers the same guilt as you.
Tell them to bugger off and play for 10 minutes. All modern children can manage that can't they?

sobanoodle · 08/03/2009 13:07

I'm with fairynuff.

sobanoodle · 08/03/2009 13:16

Stoppinattwo...you need to find a way of stopping them sniff out your guilt. Actually you shouldn't feel guilty because having a bit of me time is crucial for recharging your batteriies, making you a better mother in the end. At the ages of your dcs, I'd seriously expect them to understand your boundaries on that issue, and to go and amuse themselves without recourse to you. Start with a small reward or 2 if they are finding the concept difficult to start with. eg five mins extra scrabble later if you leave me alone now, or a small pocket money toy at the end of the week if they try hard to respect your space between now and next w/end.

Original poster

stoppinattwo · 08/03/2009 16:09

fairynuff....you have just made me lol so I said "bugger off and play for 10 minutes" DC's were rofl

OP posts:

onthepier · 08/03/2009 16:26

I know what you all mean! My dd is 10 now + doesn't need to be constantly entertained, but her 6 year old brother does!

If I have a friend round for coffee, even though he's got her child/children to play with, he'll use that time to come up with every single request he can think of!

A toy will need new batteries, he's making something + can't find the sticky tape, he'll bring down a new boxed toy not yet opened, (which of course needs a screwdriver to put together), or he'll suddenly demand a certain remote control car that I know hasn't been played with for a year, + expect me to know exactly where it is. If I don't respond to these requests, cue tantrums in front of whoever we've got round!

He is autistic, not that I use that as an excuse, but after years of letting him constantly interrupt I'm trying to be firmer now. I think he's finally realising that I expect to be able to chat to friends relatively uninterrupted! People used to comment, "Oh you're so patient with him!", but what they prob meant was soft!

He's a lovely little boy btw, (as long as my attention is solely focussed on him)!

Fairynufff · 08/03/2009 16:59

stoppinattwo - say it often enough and your life will be sweet...kids will learn to entertain themselves, develop their imagination, use their initiative, become independent, become more likeable all round in my experience.

Of course, when they are playing quietly to themselves that's when you encroach on their 'me' time because that's when you want to kiss them and blow on their bellies!

Original poster

stoppinattwo · 08/03/2009 20:57

that is very true fairynuff , a couple of belly raspberries are great fun on unsuspecting little bellies

OP posts:

letswiggle · 08/03/2009 21:02

This really made me laugh, because guess what I was doing at 7am today?.....

Playing scrabble!

ChippingIn · 08/03/2009 22:55

stopinattwo - children are magnetised to 'idle' adults!!

It seems that what is bothering you is that they can't see you are having time out... and I think at their age that is understandable (if bloody annoying!!), but I would set certain times that you are not to be bothered (for lack of a better word!!). Say 'I need time to do my own stuff, even if that's just have a quiet cup of tea. So when I am having my breakfast/doing x,y or z, please leave me alone to do that, unless it's a real emergency ie the house is on fire!!' They are well old enough to understand this concept. If there are other random times then tell them that's what's happening, otherwise, well, you look ripe for the bothering of!!

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