by inviting someone people don't like to a book group?

[debs40]

Sill problem really.

Last year a few of us started a book group. It all sort of fizzled out around Christmas after my ds moved schools.

Some mums were keen to restart it and a couple of mums from my son's new school wanted to come to.

Anyway, I've always been left with the organising so I've sent out an email inviting people to a get together.

One mum is a very difficult and argumentative woman who has had mental health problems. This has, at times, turned the book group into a therapy session and it is one of the reasons things started to fizzle out.

I've always been very sorry for this woman who is lonely and a bit socially inept but to be frank, irrespective of her problems,I think she is actually not a very likeable person. She certainly winds others up.

Anyway, I couldn't see a way around not inviting her back to the group and thought it would be rude and petty to exclude her. It would get back to her and would be hurtful and, in any case, it's just not the way I want to act.

One mum has now said she won't come if this woman comes. She has no qualms about excluding her. Others I think would rather she didn't come but her attendance wouldn't stop them coming. I think we're adult enough not to let the conversation be highjacked all the time.

Would you have excluded her?

No, and it would have upset me if somebody else excluded her, to be honest. But doesn't mean it will be a fun book group...dilemma!

Could you have a tactful word with the woman in question if she hijacks the next meeting? It may be that something as simple as flagging to her that it isn't appropriate to bring x up in the book group discussions might help her change her behaviour.

Thanks Helen - you are right and reading the other thread on here about being left out might be realise it is the only sensible way to do things!

I wouldn't go to a book club, or any other small club with people I don't like. If you're organising it you can obviously invite who you want, but some folk may dislike her enough to feel that the book club then wouldn't be a pleasant evening's entertainment for them and choose not to come.
If your son is now at a different school I don't see how this mum the others don't like would find out there is another book club starting if the others aren't her friends.
If I organised a book club I'd fill it with people I liked and wanted to spend time with. You make it sound like missionary work or something.

Do you have a group contract that you revisit if necessary? I think that if this is drawn up together and includes issues of respect and allowing each their voice then it can really help. IME book groups tend to have a theraputic angle anyway.

I go to one at the library. No contract, none of us chose each other or knew each other before and we get on well. It is well chaired though with everyone getting a turn to say stuff and no therapy issues, but then we all seem fairly upbeat, and don't tend to dicuss personal stuff as with about a dozen of us the meeting would go on forever and we'd get bored as we go for fun, not for therapy.
Coffee, cakes, wine and crisps.
If 1 person was allowed to dominate the session and use it as a forum to moan about her life I'd stop going.

2rebecca - yes, at times, it has felt like missionary work! It was a way of getting reception year mums together when it started. None of us knew each other very well.

The difficult mum in question is at the other school with most of the other book group mums and although this one particular mum (who is in fact a bit of a bitch anyway) objects to her coming, the others would not necessarily want her excluded. The mum who objects actually dropped out midway through last year anyway but was interested in attending the start up but only without difficult mum.

Difficult mum, however, has been a regular attender throughout

This isn't'my book group' and I have just been lumbered with the organising but I don't see that allows me to 'deselect' people for not being popular enough!

The fact us that now difficult mume has become part of the book group circle, she would know that she was being deliberately excluded.I know hurting other's feelings doesn't seem to bother some people, but I would rather deal with this like a grown up.

Moopymoo - a book group contract sounds a good idea - do you have any links or examples?

2 rebecca - I think managing it so that there is a balance and one person can't take over is the best idea. I will share that I think.

I also think that potentially having two new members whom she knows nothing and having it in a pub rather than someone's house (we did that last year as she had a new baby) may potentially silence her!!

Start a craft circle or wine tasting group instead, and add a couple of new faces.

I'm also wondering whether the mum who dropped out before but says she would come if difficult mum didn't attend is using this as an excuse not come herself.

She likes to use the meetings as an excuse for a drink and a chat (nowt wrong with that) but when they actually turned out to involve some discussion of the books, she soon disappeared. I suppose I'm trying to be inclusive but they both seem bloody difficult to me!

Book group bitches continue.

I emailed those with objections (which is two out of a group of six with only one saying so far that they won't come)to try and find a way to accomodate everyone. Well, today I discover that these two grown ups, mothers, in their 30s have been 'bitching' about the email!

Mmm, this is the trouble when you start these groups with people you don't really know. Difficult woman or two bitches? I think difficult woman seems altogether more straightforward - as does no book group at all!

Would it possible to work out a few stratagies in advance? If you know how this woman is likely to act you could perhaps have a sort of script that you could follow to get the group back on track.

If she starts going on about her problems maybe the nominee that week could tactfully suggest a coffee break or use some other ruse to stop her.

If you did this enough she would probably either stop doing it or stop coming.

The dilemmas of modern life eh?

Maybe you should suggest that those 2 women deal with organising the group, and you just come along. Then they can avoid inviting the annoying woman, you dont have to feel guilty, and you dont have to listen to all the hassle.
TBH though I wouldnt invite someone that no-one liked into the book group I go to, no matter how sorry I felt for them. I think there has to be a bit of democracy in these things, and maybe everyone feels the same way as the 2 who have said something, but dont feel able to say anything.
At the end of the day its meant to be fun, so I wouldnt invite people who would stop it being fun.

I agree tigger I have tried to be deomcratic but, in typical school girl style, no one says anything until I organise it,and then they bitch. After finding out there is a problem,I ask what they want to do and make suggestions and they run around and bitch about that too.

I invited the woman because she is part of the book group already. The woman who doesn't want to come is not. I think that has to be borne in mind.

I also think there are ways of organising things around someone, no matter how difficult the person is and I'm conscious of the fact that there is only one person out of the group who has so far said she doesn't want to come. The others don't seem to mind that much but it's not like we can vote on it!

Anyway, I think bitching about me behind my back is beyond the pale to be honest. I'm only trying to be fair. They'd never organise it themselves. They just want to comment on what someone else is doing.

chegirl - that is a really good idea and those are the sort of suggestions I sent to some of the others but this is what caused the bitchy two to start laughing at me behind my back ! Nice. Oh well, it's not like they were friends!

Blimey is this book club worth the hassle?

I would go shopping instead

You are soooo right!! I can see that now. I think I shall leave them to it - now I remember why I was so pleased to move from DS's old school and leave these types behind

Sorry Debs, I wasnt trying to be critical. And I know how being the one who organises things means that sometimes you do just have to make a decision, and get on with things.

Or maybe you should leave them to it and start a new group of your own

I didn't take it as critical at all - I was just annoyed with them not you!

? start a new book club (if you want to start one) with parents from the new school. ? ask the library if they have 1 you can join. Sounds as though the previous group are best left to their own devices.

It seems to me that as you're doing all the organising then it's rapidly becoming your group. I think you should organise it how you like, what you feel happy with, and the others can come or not; that would be their decision.

If it ends up with just you and difficult woman then it's not a viable book group, so you can call a halt.

I think you're doing the right thing in including her. You could invite a few more new people as well, to dilute difficult woman. But for all you know, she may be passed the stage where she needs group therapy, anyway.

Good luck. I wish there were more people like you in the world.

Sounds like they are still at school. I'd ditch it tbh. They don't appreciate what you're doing and it's all getting a bit bitchy. Not worth it imho.

Jux - what a nice thing to say!

Thanks all. You give such good advice. We are moving on with a new date and new members and old members who still want to attend. Anyone who doesn't want to join in can go and do something else!