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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Holiday Nightmare - grandparent hell.....help help help!!

12 replies

SilenceIsChocolate · 07/03/2009 14:04

Oh dear - So So sorry if this seems like a rant but need to vent before I go insane. DD, DH and I have been abraod visiting family and friends (culminting in a close friend's wedding) Which my mother and step father were invited too....We went had our holiday planned of where we were staying and my parents took over 2 of the 3 weeks we have away and arranged our itinerary so that DD could spend time with my mother...We are out of routine, DD been on internal flights, late nights and all at 2 and a half - she is doing well but being her usual diva self - at the wedding today (we are in Australia) my step fatehr shouted at me in front of the other guests saying that we should not have DD running around, inferring we were not looking after her - we had doted on her all day, she was a little overtired but she was playing with an older girl and was not causing trouble at all and we were always on hand. They were going to look after her that evening (the first and only time they have offered to have her overnight in the whole time we have been away) but after he behaved in such an irrational way we decided it best they did not - My mother will not speak to me because of this and step father saw me in the road and said 'who are you, who are you - this has been a complete nightmare' - I do not hink that I will see them again before we leave for the UK - I am angry with them but they have closed ranks and we are pecieved as in the wrong - I seriously think they think they can do a better job with our DD. They always have omething negative to say about my Dh - with reason at times - but they are in the habit of being so negative about people - they were invited to my firend's wedding and they sit and lap up the lavish event and I am the one outside with a child wanting to look at worms but screams if she goes back inside to listen to the speeches - so I missed my best friend's speeches - p.s I was maid of honour....Dh would have had to walk past top table to get to us so he stayed put - my mother could see me struggling but didn't get up! sorry will stop ranting but I'm so upset that what was the most amazing day could be ruined by my judgemental overbearing parents....It was hard enough to keep sain with a toddler who decided to have an off day.....my parents will just blame me and nothing will change.It is really sad especially for DD whi dotes on her GM although she could feel the pressure today and did not want to spend time with her which clearly upset her - but she said it was MY fault as I had been saying negative things - which I would never do. My mother is a total control freak - is it me or is she being toxic?

OP posts:
SilenceIsChocolate · 07/03/2009 14:09

apologies for all the type errors....
I have one day to make ammends which I doubt will be possible when emotions are still running so high....just do not know what to do anymore.

OP posts:
frankbestfriend · 07/03/2009 14:11

They think they can do a better job with your dd- yet they refuse to step up and actually help?

If I had been in this situation with my Mum and Step-dad they would have taken over the reins so I could relax and enjoy the event.

Also can't bear seeing people frowning at children playing and enjoying themselves at social events. It sounds like you did the best job you could in difficult circumstances.

What a shame you can't rely on your parents for help and support.

YAabsolutelyNBU.

Kimi · 07/03/2009 14:11

I think you DH needed to keep an eye on your child as you were matron of honour, if your mother and her husband were only there because you were friends with the bride and part of the bridal party they also could have been more help.

Another reason why children and weddings do not always mix.

Sorry you did not have a lovely day.

Bink · 07/03/2009 14:17

I think there is a very basic problem here, which is not your fault, or your dd's, or your dh's, or the grandparents. It's the wedding.

You were all geared up to have a lovely time, so were your mother & stepfather, your daughter will have been excited (even though she's so little) ... and it just didn't turn out for anyone the way they'd dreamt. I think your way to make quick amends is just to say that the day was turned out too much, and you hadn't seen that coming, and you really hope to see lots more of them when you're all home and back to peace.

(I'm not saying there may be some other stuff going on here, which needs sorting out - but keep that separate, and deal with it when people aren't all wound up with a mixture of excitement & disappointment. Which is what happens with weddings the world over!)

And definitely forgive yourself for anything you're feeling bad about - but, for the moment, forgive them too, and start over, as I said, when it's all settled. If you start addressing this stuff now it'll just get even worse - I think.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 07/03/2009 14:19

I think you need to take back control. There's a big thread you should join. The current one is here. click here

But you should read all of them. They are people with toxic parents, chatting about it all. It would be good for you.

first one is here

part 3

part 4

now, I can't find a part 2, but I am sure you'll have enough to go on!

SilenceIsChocolate · 07/03/2009 14:24

My friend was a stunning a bride and it was so special - DH was good at helping but my parents had said they would be of help all day and it just did not happen - that had been the way of the whole trip - it was meant to be time for them to enjoy DD but they moaned every time they had her - just do not get it as now it has been tainted by this event.

ambitious to ask dd to be flower girl - she was made part of day but did not do anything formal as it would have been too much for her but loved her bunch of flowers (they lasted about 20 mins though!!)

just do not know how to patch it up....DD will not see her gp now for 6 months or so and I get the fall out of all the questions of why she cannot see grandma...

OP posts:
SilenceIsChocolate · 07/03/2009 14:26

bink - what kind advice - thank u.x

OP posts:
katiestar · 07/03/2009 16:17

I think there seems to be hurt feelings on both sides and as somebody else said everyone got overwrought with the wedding.If your parents have not been used to being round young children for a while they have maybe forgotten just how tiring they are especially as they are ageing and 2 weeks with a 2 and a half year old have maybe been a strain however much they love her.
I had a similat situation at my brothers wedding abroad .I spent practically the whole wedding service outside with my DD and missed it.I felt furious that DH hadn't come out and taken over .
Don't go home woithout getting this resolved though.Even if you don't feel you were in the wrong take the first step and apologise .Life is too short.

SilenceIsChocolate · 08/03/2009 07:15

I spoke with my mother this morning and althought she agreed to meet me, she still blames my DH and she is annoyed he said it would be better that our DD went home with us than spend a night in a hotel with them. I have resigned myself the the fact they will never change. Im still angry with my step dad for being so unreasonable. It is clear my Mum will not see any other point of view except her own. We leave for home midweek and I will not be seeing my Mother for 8 months or so - next time we shall keep any visit to a weekend max if we are sharing accomodation! It is such a shame as DD adores her and the tension she has created has meant DD has reacted badly to it by screeching and not wanting to do anything she suggests....

OP posts:
SilenceIsChocolate · 08/03/2009 08:23

Oh hell, bad conversation....just got off the phone and we argued again and it is just horrible....Will try to swollow pride to see her tomorrow - there is just too much emotion and pressure, it is awful - I am looking forward to coming home now....

OP posts:
screamingabdab · 08/03/2009 08:35

Hi SilenceIsChocolate Sorry about the stressful time you are going through.

Sounds like they have TOTALLY unreasonable expectations of a 2.5 year old (have they forgotten what it's like?)- and toddlers pick up on that kind of disapproval IMO, as you say.

My in-laws live abroad and we only see them about once a year on holiday. I get on pretty well with them as a rule, but when my dss were babies and toddlers I used to find the pressure of them not behaving well really hard - I used to not want to go there in the end.

FlorenceofArabia · 08/03/2009 11:55

Your DH doesn't come across as being blameless; he left you outside to deal with his DD whilst he listened to the speeches. Then he decided to punish your mum by not letting DD spend the night with them because your step-Dad lost his rag.

Step-Dad shouldn't have shouted at you at the wedding but it sounds like this trip hasn't been a picnic for your parents either. Do what you need to do to make it up with your mum then go home and RELAX

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