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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to put my 21mo DS in a playpen?

42 replies

WAD · 07/03/2009 11:54

He is very destructive at the moment, and I pop him in the playpen when I need to do something in another room. I also use it when he is having a tantrum to let him get over it in a safe environment. He is a big boy and very strong, and if I use put him in his cot he is in danger of rocking it right over.

He is usually happy and has lots of toys in the pen with him. Sometimes though, when I am at my wits' end, I put him in there when I am just really fed up and need some space. He will then scream for a while and usually then go to sleep. I don't want him to associate it with negative feelings though. I am confused about what other people do when they just want a bit of peace for half an hour.

AIBU in any respect?

OP posts:
screamingabdab · 08/03/2009 08:19

Oh Bum, my funny strike-outs didn't work !

Should have read "You go home and watch Cash in the Attic do the chores"

screamingabdab · 08/03/2009 08:19

Didn't work again (you get the idea)

tessofthedurbervilles · 08/03/2009 08:21

God a play pen is not going to hurt him and sometimes we all get to the point where we need a break....he can't hurt himself and you need a minute so no yanbu.

alicecrail · 08/03/2009 08:26

I really agree with chippingin on pretty much everything she has said, especially the making them walk and scary tone of voice!

Bonnycat · 08/03/2009 09:42

I have one in the lounge for my DS 15 mths.He goes in it when i pop into the kitchen to do quick chores or make a coffee.Its for his own safety as much as anything because if i didnt he is a bit lethal and would hurt himself or his sister.

duchesse · 08/03/2009 09:48

My other children never really had one (not used as a playpen anyway, more as a corral for toys), but I will definitely be getting one for this baby if only to keep it and the dog apart.

katiestar · 08/03/2009 15:06

If he is screaming in the playpen and then drops off to sleep ,maybe it would be better to put him in his cot so he can have a nap

My trick for a reluctant nappy changee is to give them something they are not normally allowed to touch to play with eg watch , my wooden music box.They can't do much damage to it while lying on their back and with you so close at hand

Bumperlicioso · 08/03/2009 15:17

I don't have one but I consider myself to be incredible fortunate that DD is very self contained and happy for about 90% of the time to play by herself, just pottering around (I put this down to the 20m of benign neglect while I mumnetted!).

I don't think YABU to put him in a playpen, but with the hitting and kicking I would be concerned that there is something else going on here. I think it can be pretty normal and acceptable to have a demanding toddler, but I don't think a toddler should be able to get away with hitting and kicking. Unfortunately I have no advice in that respect, but I would try and tackle that first.

Does he nap during the day? I must admit that when I need to do something like the washing up or cooking I stick CBeebies on , you gotta do what you gotta do!

Lenlen · 08/03/2009 15:26

That's what playpens are for.

Sidge · 08/03/2009 15:35

I have never used a playpen - I'm not against them per se, I just never really needed to use one.

I think the thing that would concern me about regular use of the playpen in the way the OP is describing, is that it is being used sometimes almost as "time out". If you remove a child from an environment they aren't behaving in, then they won't learn to behave in it. For example if you put him in the playpen when he is hitting and kicking, it tackles the immediate problem of being hit and kicked but doesn't deal with the root cause of the behaviour. If he is kicking off because you are typing for eg, get off the computer and do something with him. If he kicks off because he wants to empty a pan cupboard, either give him another cupboard he can empty or let him empty the pans out, it's really not a big deal.

The exhausting things about toddlers is that they are so egocentric! Everything is about them and their needs. It doesn't last forever but until it passes you have to acknowledge that the only time you truly get any peace is when they are asleep

ChippingIn · 08/03/2009 19:52

Sidge - sorry I have to disagree with your opinion. I think putting a child in the playpen when they are being naughty, teaches them that if they can't behave there will be a consequence, in this case 'time out'. There's no way I would give him what he wanted if he kicked off, otherwise they will 'kick off' all the time, they need to learn that 'No' means 'No' - not have a bigger tantrum then you'll get it!!

They are egocentric - but they need to be taught that this is not the way the world we live in works!

Anyway, as I said Just My Opinion and no more valid than yours - how boring would MN be if we all agreed!

snickersnack · 08/03/2009 20:00

ds (also 21 months) is a fairly chilled out little soul so when his sister's at school, it's not too crazy. He just sort of potters around showing me stuff from time to time - he isn't properly destructive. But it's only ever peaceful when he's asleep - fortunately he still does that during the day.

Despite being quite chilled out, he would go absolutely crazy if I put him in a playpen. He's not super-keen on being restrained in the buggy, and I've never even managed the "dump them in their cot with some toys while you have a shower" trick.

I do sympathise with your need for some downtime. As I say, ds is pretty chilled, but his sister lives life at 90 miles an hour and demands constant attention - if 4 wasn't too old for a playpen, I'd be sorely tempted!

ChippingIn · 08/03/2009 20:10

LOL @ snickersnack, 4 is a bit big for the playpen, but fortunately the perfect age for school You can always get yourself one of these for the holidays Excellent!!

Sidge · 08/03/2009 20:11

I see what you're saying ChippingIn, and agree that they shouldn't get what they want all the time. (God you'd have the most unbearable toddler!) I didn't put my point across very well - I think what I meant was that if they start niggling, deal with it before it kicks off and they end up in a playpen. I don't have a playpen but when DD3's behaviour is unacceptable to me I walk away, ignore her etc but I don't use a step or pen.

I suppose it's getting the balance between recognising their needs and emotional immaturity whilst promoting their independence and empathy. The world certainly doesn't revolve around DD3 in my eyes (it can't) but it does in hers!

noonki · 08/03/2009 20:14

I agree sidge - way too young for time out - just will make more of an issue of it and they don't understand at all.,

when my 22 month old has tantrums - I just completley ignore him for a whole minute (which is ages in his little head) unless he is in danger. Then give him a cuddle if he is upset, I think they frighten him.

I used a playpen with both of mine when they were younger - DS1 loved his, but I only really used it to keep them in one place if I had to go upstairs/cook etc.

ChippingIn · 08/03/2009 20:21

Sidge - yeah, if you can get in first then great!

Noonki - 21 months is not too young for time out. She has understood it for a long time now and knows when I ask her if she wants to sit on the naughty step or behave.

The bit that makes me laugh is that if her sister gets sent to the naughty step (usually for being hurtful to the little one) she will go and sit with her! Traitor!!

The only thing re using the play pen, is that I think you have to decide if it's a 'good place' ie a place to play nicely while Mum is on mn very busy, or when they want some alone time OR if it's a 'time out' place, else they get a bit confused!

noonki · 08/03/2009 20:23

chippin - agree to disagree
I love the conspiracy though

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