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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Well it never did you any harm!!!

41 replies

Wigglesworth · 06/03/2009 11:34

Does the age old argument of "well it never did you any harm" that parents seem to use if you dare to disagree with their advice (use the term loosley more like force their opinion on you) piss anybody else off? My Mum uses this as her argument whenever she tries to offer me "advice" about DS. If I say to her "we don't fancy doing it that way cos of ABC" she always replies with this statement. I keep reminding her she raised us nearly 30 years ago and some advice has changed since then and that I am not her and I may (god forbid) do things a little differently. Maybe I am having a bad day, it just winds me up.

OP posts:
fryalot · 06/03/2009 11:35

my mum just has a look that says exactly that!

Fortunately, after fifteen years of receiving "the look" I am now immune to its power

nailpolish · 06/03/2009 11:36

i think sometimes us telling the older generation ie our parents that their way of parenting was wrong upsets them - they take it personally (and why shouldnt they) as you saying "your parenting was shit - we do it different now and its much better"

be tactful

TheProvincialLady · 06/03/2009 11:36

If my mum does it to me I pull my best Quasimodo face and put on a stupid voice and a twitch, and say no of course not mum

nailpolish · 06/03/2009 11:36

imagine if in 20 yrs time your dd turned to you and said "we do it different now and its better"

id be upset

LaTrucha · 06/03/2009 11:38

I am battling with conflicting advice ATM as I am in Spain. Well, not battling but all the advice is completely different. I'm temporarily living with my PILs and they have 5 healthy kids, so it's even more difficult to put my views forward without kicking up a fuss.

So far, I've had:
-Stop wearing a lsing, you'll do your back in.
-Put shoes on the baby or she'll never learn to walk
-It's risky not to bath a baby every day.
-completely opposite advice ont he use of thermometers / treatment of fever (I got mine from a paediatrician in the UK, she got hers from a paed here).

We've managed not to fight about it yet but just wait until I tell them I'm pregnant and want to continue bf!

It doesn't exactly wind me up but it makes me feel very uncomfortable.

BitOfFun · 06/03/2009 11:39

I think you can defuse this sort of thing by saying "Yes, I know, but I don't think my approach will do any harm either, and I suppose in the end we just have to do what we're comfortable with, don't we?", and change the subject fast...rise above, rise above [zen emoticon]

BitOfFun · 06/03/2009 11:40

Although The ProvincialLady's approach is much more fun

PrimulaVeris · 06/03/2009 11:40

I'm afraid it's often a phrase I use myself when I digress from modern parenting methods. Which I often do, it appears

lilacclaire · 06/03/2009 11:44

I would just say, "look, im doing what I feel is the best, there will be plenty of other stuff I will probably need to ask your advice about"!

nickschick · 06/03/2009 11:45

I wish I had had someone who cared enough bout me to give me advice .

La Trucha I think it probably is just a cultural thing for you- I suppose with 5 children if your mil had carried them at individual times in a sling that could have caused a lot of back trauma.

the bathing thing maybe its cos spain is hotter the babies if not washed all over at night to cool them down maybe didnt sleep so well and became a bit moany?

Im liking the provincial ladys answer tho .

Gorionine · 06/03/2009 11:46

I am totally with nailpolish!

cory · 06/03/2009 11:49

I am now moving into the stage of life where I am more likely to use it myself than have it used against me

'twill come to you all, ladies, 'twill come to you all

laweaselmys · 06/03/2009 11:52

I tend to just say "Well, I'd like to try it X way and see how it goes. But I'll do Y if it's not working out..." and just be as vague as possible!

I reckon most parents try really hard to bite their tongue and let you get on with it, but mostly they are trying to help. It's a bit harsh on them not to listen at all. Had a bit of a moment recently when I realised my parents were being so insistent I try various things because they are recommended to prevent cot death, which their god daughter died of. Bit of perspective moment.

LaTrucha · 06/03/2009 11:56

My mum was actually great. If I MENTIONED something I was doing and she had nothing positive to say, she'd say, 'Well, I'm not sure you're right there, but she's your baby'.

Probably best, as others have said, to have that attitude the other way round.

Rollmops · 06/03/2009 11:57

Oopsie..... I am doing it, as in: well, it never did ME any harm
DH only rolls his eyes and mumbles something about mood swings (WHAT mood swings??) and temper (moi???? never!).
Would I've been a better or more creative individual if my nanny had let me throw custard and similar around and have a 'messy play'?
(Can't stand that, for goodness sake, throwing rice crispies and jello around does not make a child creative genius. Doubt da Vinci's Mum let him manhandle the family's supper...)

NormaLeighLucid · 06/03/2009 12:03

Yes my mum does it also, I just say 'thanks mum but im handling it this way as its what I think is best for him/her' and she sometimes says ok or does this face

What really bugs me is when if we are out somewhere, say in a shop, and she wants to go to look at something else she says to me ' just watch norma Jnr'. grrrrrrrr.

OrmIrian · 06/03/2009 12:07

Agree with nailpolish.

Thankfully as a fairly laid-back parent I don't feel that strongly about anything so can let 'advice' go straight over my head. Actually my mum has rarely offered any. She must think I'm doing OK

duchesse · 06/03/2009 12:09

Can I refer the OP to the "things your parents did you wouldn't dream of doing" thread? Some seriously traumatised adults reporting things on there!!

Original poster
Wigglesworth · 06/03/2009 12:17

Yes Norma, I totally understand what you mean. It's as if as if Norma Jnr is her child or she thinks you are going to bugger off and leave the LO alone, am I right?
I am not rude to my Mum but I just say "well it's up to us isn't it". I just have to bite my tongue really hard, it's just her attitude though. She always has an opinion on what other people are doing with their kids, allow me to provide some examples:

  1. Her friends 4 YO DGS is not toilet trained at night and still wets the bed. She proceeds to proclaim how WRONG this is etc even though it's none of her business and the child may have problems she doesn't know about.

2)Her next door neighbours DD's go to nursery a few days a week and she thinks it's wrong to have them out so early in the morning even though they are picked up at 3pm by their Dad.

  1. We were in a shop the other day and a little girl (about 7 YO) (who was with her Mum) was on her scooter and fell off and banged her head, she was OK and didn't cry. My said loudly "well it's a stupid place to be riding a scooter, what's her Mum thinking letting her do that".

It is just her know all attitude and the fact she thinks she did everything perfect.

OP posts:
Juwesm · 06/03/2009 12:20

I got this a lot when it came to what I shouldn't eat during pregnancy. "No, Mum, I can't eat dippy egg/ rare steak/ pate/ drink Guiness" "Well I ate it when I was pregnant with you and it never did you any harm"

Trouble is, I am now missing dippy egg/ steak etc so much, I am tempted to use the argument on myself - "Dammit I'm going to have the steak, Mum ate it when pregnant with me and never did me any harm"!!

duchesse · 06/03/2009 12:21

wassrong with rare steak? am I missing something? [clueless]

Original poster
Wigglesworth · 06/03/2009 12:24

My Mum smoked when pregnant with me and lit a fag whilst they were stitching her up after giving birth ( not kidding she told me that), she knows that wasn't a good thing to do now though!

OP posts:
Original poster
Wigglesworth · 06/03/2009 12:25

OMG Duchesse, that thread is the best one I have read in a while and only looked through the first couple of pages. The rusk in the bottle is a gem of advice my Mum gave me, oh and she keeps telling me to give DS ovaltine before bed .

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 06/03/2009 12:27

Well Wigglesworth, I've never smoked but can't help thinking, if there's one time you need a fag . . . that's got to be it!

Juwesm · 06/03/2009 12:42

Not sure what specifically is wrong with rare steak - was advised all meat should be well done though.