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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for being POd at my MiL

26 replies

feralgirl · 05/03/2009 09:41

...for repeatedly telling me to that I HAVE to start FFing 3mo DS in order to get a full night's sleep? She insinuated that DS is permanently hungry (despite all evidence to the contrary, e.g. healthy weight gain and sunny disposition). She knows nothing about BFing having not bothered herself and DS is the first of her six (spectacularly unhealthy) grandchildren to be BF.
I was never expecting to get a full night's sleep after three months tbh but she thinks I'm insane.

OP posts:
ForeverOptimistic · 05/03/2009 09:44

She sounds too set in her ways to listen to reason. I think I would be tempted to lie to her and tell her that he is sleeping through.

badbadday · 05/03/2009 09:47

She is talking nonsense, as you know. I had people telling me that DS would sleep better if I ff, if I started weaning etc. Well at 8mo DS is now ff and weaned, and he sleeps no better than he ever did.

I think people just find it necessary to give you their opinion even when they have no idea what they're talking about

LucyEllensmummy · 05/03/2009 09:51

let her think you are insane! Does it matter what she thinks? You know you are doing what is right for her child - she is talking out of her arse. I had terrible problems with BF my DD when she was born, so much so that i was able to go into the birthing unit for a week to sort it out (they were great, and luckily quiet otherwise they would have had to turfed us out - DP stayed too, we had TV in our room, i had food served to me - it was like a mini holiday!!) My mother yelled at me to "give that baby a bottle" if it wasn't for my lovely, but even scarier than my mother, midwife i would have caved in.

LucyEllensmummy · 05/03/2009 09:51

Right for YOUR child

Wizzska · 05/03/2009 09:51

She's talking rubbish. He's only 3 months old, lots of them don't sleep through at that age. Mine didn't until 6 months. I did try formula before bed and it made f all difference.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 05/03/2009 09:53

Ah MILs have weired ideas. Mine told me that I should start dd2 on solids from 4 months and baby juice from 3 months. T'is good for them appparently, baby juice full of vitamins and goodness.

And milk is not enough to sustain them after 4 months. All of sil's dc were fed from 4 months.

And she also insists on putting gravy on almost everthing. Despite the fact that dd1 does not like gravy and I don't want dd2 having too much salt. You can't eat a good dinner without gravy.

And she tries to insinuate that I don't feed my children properly as they eat sandwhiches a lot

TheCrackFox · 05/03/2009 09:55

DS1 was FF and didn't sleep through till he was 3.5years. I am convinced this sleeping thing is a myth created by the FF marketing departments.

DS2 was BF and was always a great sleeper.

Sleeping is all to do with the child and not the method they are fed.

Politely tell you MIL to but out. Just change the subject whenever she mentions it.

pispirispis · 05/03/2009 09:58

Good advice from Seashells - smile and nod, smile and nod, smile and nod (works for all sorts of people, situations, like HVs, other mums, anyone trying to be "helpful"..) Actually works for other situations in life that have nothing to do with babies - I must be getting mellower in my old age!

MamaG · 05/03/2009 10:00

Ah now this is pure MIL gold. Mine is the same

Apparently all her 4 FF children slept through from birth

No
They
Fucking
Didn't
You
Mental
Old
Hag

DH's oldest sister remember feeding him in teh night as MIL slept through his cries! Silly bitch.

Its a common theme with MILs I'm afraid.

Tummytuckrequired · 05/03/2009 10:08

My MIL's advice for both my children was to put them face down on a mattress in a bedroom at the top of the house (so we would not hear them) and not go back unti the monring. I was supposed to do that from new born! I said to my husband "mental note ... don't let your mum babysit" not that she ever has offered or has for that moment. My DD is now 4.5 and my DS is 3!

Tummytuckrequired · 05/03/2009 10:10

By the way our Mothers were of the generation where it was okay to smoke during pregnancy drink whilst over the limit and have children rolling in the back of car with no seat belt on... so I wouldn't really worry about it...

Original poster
feralgirl · 05/03/2009 10:23

Thank you all for your comments, will def smile and nod and lie. Unfortunately I don't trust her not to feed DS processed crap when she starts looking after him one day a week when I go back to work in the summer (unavoidable; dh doesn't want her feeling "left out").
I wonder if MY mum (who is, obviously, a legend) will be such a cowbag to my brother's DP when they have kids...

OP posts:
badbadday · 05/03/2009 10:27

if you don't trust her to feed him properly are you sure you want her looking after him?

I wouldn't let MIL look after DS as she is surprised I don't let him have biscuits and chocolate to taste (he is 8mo ). Not that she has ever offered to babysit!

Original poster
feralgirl · 05/03/2009 10:50

No, I really don't want her looking after him but i'm not sure I've got the balls to face the family meltdown if I told dh that i don't trust his mum. SiLs bound to weigh in with their tuppence worth too.
will have to come up with another reason e.g. she's too far away/ worried about her health etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
feralgirl · 05/03/2009 10:52

maybe i could send him with a packed lunch so as to "make it easier for her".

OP posts:
badbadday · 05/03/2009 10:57

tbh I think you'd be best getting it sorted early if you dong't want her looking after him. If you go along with it, and she does things that annoy you, it will either cause you a lot of stress when you're back at work, or it will cause rows and resentment. Going back to work is difficult enough without reservations over the childcare arrangements.

I know this is a lot more difficult in practice than it sounds, but I really would try to get it sorted if I were you. Your child is more important than her feelings

Miggsie · 05/03/2009 11:34

If they have a small tummy then it doesn't matter if the tummy has cows milk or mummy milk they only have a small tummy and it will be empty after a few hours, so they will want more food!!!!!!!

If her babies slept through at 12 weeks then they were obviously pissed from all the gripe water they used to shove down them.

Pay no attention.

Family politics...great fun, eh?

womblingfree · 05/03/2009 11:53

feral girl - I was in a similar position when I went back to work (MIL had to be involved in childcare or all hell would have broken loose).

The packed lunch is a lovely idea but IME if she gets it in her head to to feed him something else - she will. I'm inclined to agree with badbadday that if there's anyway you can sort this out beforehand it will save a lot of resentment and stress.

The thing is, if you are reliant on her for childcare, you will end up feeling you can't front up to her about things she does that you don't like, for fear of being left in the lurch if she throws a wobbly and says "Fine - find someone else to look after DS then." I know - I have been there more time than I care to remember.

Thankfully (sort of) I was made redundant last June and am now at home FT so no longer have to deal with it !!!

Original poster
feralgirl · 05/03/2009 14:33

You're so right womble and badbadday; I'm going to have to gird my loins I guess. I can't be there to supervise everything that people do with DS in my absence but I owe it to him to make it very clear to her how we want him cared for.

OP posts:
cheshirekitty · 05/03/2009 19:37

my mil forced my daughter to eat uncooked prawns (she thought they were cooked). dd puked all over mils house (serves her right).

YANBU. Just sit and chant (silently), you are a mad old cow, you are a mad old cow!!!

MmeLindt · 05/03/2009 19:44

My DS was ff and did not sleep through the night until, well he still does not sleep through the night and he is 4yo. (Gets up to wee then comes into my bed for a cuddle)

It has nothing to do with FF or BF. Ignore your MIL.

When she starts babysitting I would suggest that you tell her anything your really really don't want her to do but don't fuss too much if she gives him sweets or chicken nuggets. If it one day a week then I would let it slide.

toddlerama · 05/03/2009 20:05

I don't think giving out crap advice re ff means that she will definitely ignore your instructions when she is looking after him. Has she gone behind your back on things before?

My mum doesn't agree with lots of things about the way I look after my DD's but she never tries to sneak around and undermine me. I think it's because we talked about it a lot before she looked after them (before they were born actually) with me saying 'I know you'll just do whatever you want when I'm not there'. She was so horrified that I thought that she would do that, she is now really cautious to do it my way iyswim. And we live together, so she could really easily change the routines etc when I'm not there. But she wouldn't dream of it, even if she teases me about them!

Maybe just have a chat about how nervous you are about going back to work, how you feel like everyone will undo what you are doing with him. If she feels like you see her as an allie (ally? alley? Surely not! Can't spell it.) she might go the other way and be really considerate of your feelings. Nobody wants to be a meddling mother in law, I think it just happens!

daisydora · 05/03/2009 20:13

feralgirl my mil wants me to wean ds too, hes 15 weeks. Apparently I don't need to wait till he's 6 months as SIL said so...oh thats okay then. She also questions me bf, as it means she can't give him a bottle. I fear all MIL's are completely bonkers!

freddysteddy · 05/03/2009 20:15

"She knows nothing about BFing having not bothered herself and DS is the first of her six (spectacularly unhealthy) grandchildren to be BF"

Meeow!!!

You may not BU about this but you're being quite unpleasant with it.

pagwatch · 05/03/2009 20:17

why don't you use distraction technique? It works with toddlers.

Tell MIL that you are planning to have a semi nude, vegan ceremony when you get DC baptised as a Vulcan.

MIL's just love that kind of stuff and will forget about worrying BFing issues.