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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is really rude and disrespectful?

23 replies

Bananagal · 04/03/2009 21:03

I've namechanged for this.

This happened tonight, and it's not the first time.

DH doesn't understand why I'm pissed off.

DH comes home from work. We have a very lovely 2 and a half year old DD.

I am in the middle of speaking to him about something that's happened that I'm a bit worried about. While I am speaking, DH starts playing with DD. He is making no eye contact with me and is making lots of laughing/playing noises with DD. I am trying to maintain what I am saying. He continues not looking at me and cooing/making loud noises with DD.

AIBU to think this is rude and he is treating me as if (a) I wasn't there, (b) what I have to say isn't particularly interested and he can't be bothered with me?

I am prepared to hear that IABU by the way - just need some perspective.

Thanks

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 04/03/2009 21:04

I think yab a little u sorry.
Toddlers are demanding and presumably your DH hadn't seen her all day.
DH does this to me sometimes (and I do it to him) it's just because 2 yos don't understand manners

ScummyMummy · 04/03/2009 21:07

I can see how that would feel frustrating, definitely. Do you think he maybe wants to get a bit of time in with your little girl before she goes to bed and reasons that you will still be up later?

EsmeWeatherwax · 04/03/2009 21:10

My dh does this all the time, and it drives me nuts. But, as SPB said, he hasn't seen dd all day, and they're the apple of each other's eyes, so I put up and shut up!

He's ignoring me for the footie now too...lol...canna win!

SourCreamnChive · 04/03/2009 21:10

No that would piss me off. It is rude. Even if he does want to spend time with your DD he could say something like

"I am interested in what you're saying, I just want to spend a bit of time with DD before she goes to bed, can we talk about it later?"

etc.

To just totally blank you when he knows you're speaking to him is ignorent IMO.

ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 04/03/2009 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MrsMcCluskey · 04/03/2009 21:14

agree with PHW
If you have something important to discuss wait until DD has gone to bed.

EsmeWeatherwax · 04/03/2009 21:14

We kind of agreed to keep lengthy conversations for after bedtime during the week too, since he sees her so little during the week. Tis frustrating when yu've had no adult company all day though...

geraldinetheluckygoat · 04/03/2009 21:16

dp does this too, and it pisses me off. I do think it is a bit rude, agree with sourcreamchive, at least an acknowledgement that you are speaking and that he has heard you would be an improvement.

pinkspottywellies · 04/03/2009 21:19

Is he actually listening to you though? I can listen to someone else while appearing to give dd my full attention!

Heylittlelady · 04/03/2009 21:22

YANBU

Sounds a little passive-aggressive to me as he couldn't NOT know he was ignoring you.

TBH I'd have taken it that he was indicating that DD's babble was more interesting/important than your worry.

I would probably have said as neutrally as possible: "X, are you listening to me?" as the tone of response would tell you a lot.

StayOutOfTheLight · 04/03/2009 21:27

My mum does this with the dog though!

eg ...

"So mum, I was thinking in summer we could have a drive up to .... "

(mum) "Don't be looking at me like that! you're not allowed these bicuits!"

queue - dog gets ready to dive on the sofa, I'm mid sentance, all hell breaks loose ...

It's SO frustrating.

Bit different with a child I know but still, YANBU. This is a pet-hate of mine (no pun intended!)

Original poster
Bananagal · 04/03/2009 21:45

Thanks for your responses. It's interesting to read different viewpoints to this.

DH's response is "I can listen to you and talk to DD at the same time". I personally can't possibly see how he can even hear me, let alone listen to me, when the noises he is making with DD drown me out.

If I had started the conversation when he was half way through playing with DD then that's one thing, but it was kind of in the middle of my sentence that he seemingly started having a very loud conversation with DD instead!

It's not so much that he is playing with her while I am talking to him, it is that he is loudly playing with her when I am talking to him and that he doesn't even bother making any eye contact with me.

Sometimes DD will want my attention when I'm talking to DH, but if we're half way through him telling me something, I'll probably scoop her up and give her a cuddle while I continue listening to him. If she needs an immediate response, I'll give it briefly, while still making eye-contact with DH, or engage in a quiet activity whilst making it clear to him that I am listening.

I understand the point about him not seeing her all day, and I do think it's lovely that they enjoy seeing each other and I love to see them play together. My routine with DD runs quite late during the day so she can have a later bedtime (8.30ish) and have quality evening time with her Dad. DH has at least 2 hours alone with her when he comes in while I cook dinner and while he does her bedtime routine.

OP posts:
messymissy · 04/03/2009 21:58

I don't think you are being unreasonable, you sound a little hurt to be ignored or excluded by the way he was playing.

my brother does this all the time to everyone - including his dw - whenever you ask him a question he does not want to answer he will chat away to dcs or indeed the dog and act like he never heard it - he avoids a lot of things this way - its very frustrating and when it goes on long enough, it does seem very rude, so I can understand how you feel.

however, try not to let it get to you. it may just be a tactic to avoid hearing stuff he would rather deal with later. any chance of raising the questions / conversation again over dinner once dd in bed?

geraldinetheluckygoat · 04/03/2009 22:06

also i think its a goodthing to tell a toddler to wait a moment if you are in mid conversation, its a basic social skill. If one of mine demands attention when im already in the middle of talking to someone or them to me, i will ask them to wait a moment.

Original poster
Bananagal · 04/03/2009 22:11

I agree Geraldine - I will generally do this too and use my judgement as to whether an immediate response is needed.

You know, now I think of it, DD didn't actually interrupt the conversation DH and I were having and demand attention - DH just initiated talking and playing with DD in the middle of what I was saying.

However, I take on board what a few of you have said and maybe I'll not bother trying to talk to DH until after DD is in bed!

OP posts:
Heylittlelady · 04/03/2009 22:23

I would still raise it with your DH though as unwitting or not, it was rude and it should be brought into the open ideally, in the interests of improving communication.

ChippingIn · 05/03/2009 00:29

YANBU he was being rude.

As others have said (and you yourself), there are ways of handling it that keep everyone happy, he's an adult, he's your partner... you deserve better - tell him so. Putting up and shuting up is a good way to destroy the relationship.

It's good for your DD to learn that the whole world does not revolve around her, so I wouldn't resolve not to talk to your DH while she is around. (I know she didn't initiate it this evening).

Racingsnake · 05/03/2009 13:48

I'm so glad that we are not the only family where that happens.

Ever since we had DD, my DH constantly turns away from me in mid converstation to start playing with her. It's got so that I often just don't bother speaking to him, and we certainly couldn't discuss the matter. Not only that, but when we go out he sits in the back with her and leaves me alone in the front, like the chaufer.

I have been taking this completely personally; maybe it is a fairly common pattern (albeit only with rude and inconsiderate DHs)

LucyEllensmummy · 05/03/2009 14:42

YANBU this happens to me all the time and i promise you i become murderous about it. It is more due to DD becoming more demanding of daddy recently. But it properly drives me mad. A friend of mine was just complaining about the same thing a few weeks back. I think they are just so blown away by their little princes/esses that they forget about us!

DPs classic is "i don't have to look at you to listen" YES actually, you do!!!

Jjou · 05/03/2009 15:53

Urgh! Everyone does this to me when DD is around! It makes me mental. I don't think it'll do DD any harm to wait a moment or 2 but I seem to be in the minority. I usually just stop talking, and if the person I'm talking to (DP or my mum being the worst culprits) don't notice and ask me to continue then I know they weren't paying the slightest bit of attention.
YANBU!

Rolacola · 05/03/2009 16:02

I think it is rude, but it is a classic male/female thing.

Woman been at home all day with child (I am making an assumption; you may not have been!); bloke walks through door; woman wants to tell him everything; bloke cant deal with it straight away. Row ensues!!

But I read somewhere that if you wait til he's in, had tea, kids gone to bed, that might be a better time to talk about your worries or your day. Men apparantly need time to chill out before they are ready to chat.

I feel your pain. Hope that helps.

independiente · 05/03/2009 16:03

I think YANBU.
Toddlers are demanding, and yes, they 'don't understand manners' particularly well. But let's face it, they aren't going to get a very good example of how to start being well-mannered if their parents don't actually demonstrate it!
Your DH could easily have picked up your DD and cuddled her whilst still look at you and listening to you.

MrsJoeMcIntyre · 05/03/2009 16:05

Bananagal - My dh is EXACTLY the same. YANBU.

Grr.

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