I am being unreasonable but yet I want my own way for once - how to go about it?

[Mintyy]

This is rather long, sorry, I will be as quick as I can:

A friend from Australia is on a rare visit to the UK with her 2 dc. Obviously I only see her about once every 5 years or so. In her Christmas card to me she put "am coming to England in March, fancy a play date to a castle or something?".

Lovely, I think, will drop everything for this meet-up.

Friend now here and staying with another mutual friend at her flat. The date we are to meet is to be this coming Saturday. I had said to mutual friend (who will be part of this meet-up on Saturday) "Oh M* expressed an interest in going to a castle or doing something cultural, you know showing her dcs a bit of ancient history, which she probably feels they don't get much of growing up in Australia and all".

Mutual friend sounded very lukewarm about this. To be fair, she seems to find trips out a bit of an effort and she NEVER has any money.

So, now mutual friend phones me today and says that we can't go out of London for a trip or day out with Australian friend because her son is going to a birthday party at 5pm on Saturday. She says she can't invite us all round to her flat because its too small to have us all there, so why don't they all come round to my house and just "hang out" instead?

I object to this on 3 grounds

1. I wanted to do something more memorable than just "hang out" as she put it at my house with my friend from Australia who I only see very rarely.

1. I want to go on a trip to a castle or somewhere interesting.

1. We cannot go out of London because she wants her son to go to a birthday party.

1. She lives in a 4 bed flat which she thinks is too small for all 9 of us to get together in. I live in a 3 bed house, which is probably larger, but I only have the same amount of living accommodation/number of rooms etc.

So, yes I possibly am being unreasonable. But I'd like not to be passively- aggressively railroaded into doing something I don't want to do either. Must just add that I am often have to compromise dates with this friend because they are pushed for money. And I just think this is a SPECIAL OCCASION.

Wwyd? if you have got this far?

err, I think I understand

why don't you just o out to a castle with your aussie friend and leave the other killjoy behind ?

• go out

I think your Aussie friend is the guest and if she has said she wants to go sightseeing etc then that is what you should do. Does the other friend have to go too? Could she not meet you all back at your house later for dinner or something?

Can you speak directly with Aus friend and see what she thinks? Without bitching obviously.

It does seem a shame that this your one chance to see her and this other friend is already enjoying her company.

Maybe a compromise could be arranged - taking DCs to a museum or art gallery etc. - and maybe let her leave early while you two stay on.

Call the Australian friend directly instead of going through the mutual friend. You can ask her if she fancies a proper day out on the Saturday and if so, the mutual friend can tag along for the first half and then go on to party without you or she can give it a miss and you can all 'hang out' another day together as well...

Ask your aussie friend what she wants to do? Just say you were keen to do something but friend 2 wants to stay in London so is there anything she (aussie friend) would like to do out and about in London?

I sympathise with you!

I think you should find out what Australian friend really really wants to do with you

Mutual friend will see lots of aussie as she is staying with her so the day spent with you ought to be more than just hanging out

Is it the aussie mum who wants to go to the party or the mutual friend?

If its the mutual friend, fine she can toddle off to party, you can go out with the Aussie.

IMHO parties are all fairly similar friends from overseas are much more interesting and special

If this were me I would chat to the aussie and make plans according to her wishes

HTH

go out and leave misery guts to go to kids party.

amen

onlywantsone - you said exactly what I wanted to say in one line

It sounds like your london friend is making excuses to me....it doesn't have to expensive to go on an outing together.

surely if you set off early enough she could make it back for the party if she's that desperate for him to go.

Its the mutual friend who wants her son (who is 8) to go to the birthday party, not the Aussie friend.

Hmmm, don't like the idea of leaving mutual friend out. But can't see what else to do?

do that mintyy

i think its fair that as aus friend is staying with mutual friend that you get to spend some time with aus friend alone.

Arrange something with aus friend directly.

Its a party! There will be more! if she/he is that desparate to go - let them

You and your friend want to do something cultural

I wouldnt worry about leaving friend out - she can make a choice either way surely

How can you be leaving your mutual friend out when your Aussie friend is staying with her?! Do you feel left out there? I'm guessing now. Why don't you go to a castle with your Aussie friend and then arrange to meet back at yours/other friends in the evening after the kid's party?

I've just had a friend who is living in NZ come back and I know how precious the time is, because it will be years before you see her again. Talk to her and make sure the two of you and your children do what you want to do - something memorable not just hanging out - and make it up to other friend another time. You'll regret it otherwise. Enjoy yourselves x

Having only read the OP, I would suggest that you do something with your aussie friend, and try to include your mutual friend in another way - e.g. arrange for coffee or a quick walk when you are picking up your aussie friend, or a bottle of wine afterwards.

It does seem a bit off to expect everyone else to arrange their day around the birthday party her son is going to, and perhaps she is trying to provide you with an opportunity to go ahead & make plans without her if she is strapped for cash / not into that sort of thing.

I suppose it is all down to how you raise it with her.

I would just go along with it for the sake of saving friedhships tbh
after all you can go to a castle any old time
if you make waves now they will both probably bitch about you
it sucks but sometimes it's better to say nothing

Just explain to the mutual friend that you don't see your Aussie friend very often and as such would like to go and see her. If she would to come, she's welcome to. If not, you will see her later.

She may/probably go in a huff as I suspect she won't come, but she'll get over it!

I agree with Compo to an extent - don't get hung up with the castle idea, because that will make you sound a little inflexible.

However, I think it would be nice to do something special, rather than just 'hang out'.

What about the Tower of London? It's a castle - of sorts - it has the Crown Jewels - very old! and it is fairly local if you are already in London

Windsor Castle?
Hampton Court?