To think SIL shouldn't tell me I'm 'glowing' and then tell FIL I look 'awful'?

[sarah76]

BIL and SIL were here on the weekend (we live about 200 miles from them and the PILs). I'm 15 weeks pregnant and feel like shit. I've lost weight, feel sick all the time, hate the sight of food, hair is greasy & lank, skin is spotty and dull.

When they came in, SIL immediately exclaimed 'oh you're glowing!' which I am blatently not...and I said, 'no, I'm festering' (a phrase borrowed from someone else on MN!). She went on to tell me that I looked really well and kept insisting I did even though I protested and said I felt horrid and thought I looked rough.

Then today FIL phones, and says 'SIL & BIL said you looked awful and it was obvious you've lost weight'.

I probably am being unreasonable--but why try to convince me I'm blooming and then say otherwise behind my back? I don't have a problem with people saying I look unwell to my face!

Perhaps she said to FIL 'i think sarah is feeling under the weather, i thought she looked ok but she kept saying how terrible she felt and looked' or something like that?

I imagine she was trying to help. She was probably trying not to kick you when you are down by reinforcing that you are not looking your best - trying to jolly you along a bit.

Lots of people might be upset or offended to be told they don't look good, so it sounds as though she was playing it safe, but was concerned about you having seen you and mentioned it to FIL, who probably asked how you were anyway.

Sounds like sil has tact and fil does not TBH.

In all honesty it would have been rude for her to say "my God you look like shit" soshe was trying to make you feel good about the pg.

FIL put his foot right in it .

Hope you feel better soon.

I suspect that's your FIL shit-stirring rather than your SIL. She was probably just trying to nice and boost your confidence. You may not have a problem with someone telling you you look unwell, but your SIL might think it's not the done thing and might make you feel worse than you do.

Actually, I'd be more annoyed at your FIL.

Repeating something horrid someone else said is as bad as saying it yourself.

If that makes sense.

You should start to feel better as you enter your second trimester.

I think she was trying to be kind, to make you feel better. Your PIL then jumped right in and ruined it all!

It sounds like she had the best of intentions, if you've been sick non-stop for weeks you really don't expect to look fab but equally don't want to be told you look shite

Agree with comewhinewithme.

im with you.

i always wonder why people insist on trying to bullshit you...especially in such a cut and dried case (i can see why people do it when there is some room for 'opinion')

hope you start to feel better soon

i suppose it feels (and cannot be anything but) insincere....even if it is meant well.

It's all very well people trying to play it safe and say that you look fine in case you don't want to be told that you don't look great...

BUT

sometimes, if you are feeling wretched, especially if you tell them that, like the OP did, it can feel even worse when they tell you are looking really well.

I know pregnancy is not a sickness, but for lots of women it is a time when they feel perfectly wretched and a little sympathy and understanding goes a long way. Somehow, somebody insisting that you look really well when you know you don't, can feel like they don't see how you are suffering or are trying to minimise it, IYSWIM.

good luck sarah, hope you feel much better soon!

LOL at the idea that SIL has 'tact'--this is definitely not one of her strong points!

FIL didn't know what SIL had said to me....he was genuinely worried and had to take her word for it because we haven't seen him since mid-January. And he said it in a really sympathetic way, so definitely don't see it as 'shit-stirring'.

What zipzap said is exactly right--I was thinking 'is it not obvious that I feel awful?'.

Agree she was probably just trying to be kind, or possibly even changed her mind about the state of me during the visit--she made the glowing comment almost upon walking in the door. Maybe over the course of the afternoon/evening it became more apparent I wasn't doing well?

Anyway, thanks for all the good wishes and indulging a pathetic preggo for a bit!