Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want mol (mother-out-law)to stop arranging things for us?

37 replies

ilovetochat · 03/03/2009 15:24

we are busy enough as it is.
OLs love visiting people, they visit us once a week , youngest son 4 or 5 times a week, middle son once a week, then they visit an old neighbour weekly, sister and brother weekly, sister's widow weekly, dp's ex weekly, you get the idea, they are retired and drift from house to house, sometimes leaving ours at 8pm going on to someone else before going home. fine, nowt to do with us.
except that when they visit all these people they talk about dp and our dd and show them pics, most of these people are in their 70s and 80s so they are interested and ask about dd and say they haven't seen her ever/in a while and they would love to see her. then OLs visit us and say their old neighbour wants us to visit or dps auntie's friend or FILs schoolfriend.
These are people i have never met in 7 years with dp, dp never sees/speaks to them and we don't want to visit them.
OLs then pester saying what day will we visit them as they are keen to see us and if we say we are busy they say oh next week then. they can't understand why we don't want to go round all their friends visiting.
DP works mon-fri and every other saturday and an occasional evening in the week, he also has a meeting one evening a week and goes to the gym etc. OLs visit one night a wk, we maybe have 2 nights a week to ourselves and sunday and have our own friends too.
why can't they tell these people we are busy, why do they have to involve us and then we look like the bead guys for letting people down.

OP posts:
charitygirl · 03/03/2009 15:31

oh lord, nightmare, yanbu!

Buda · 03/03/2009 15:35

Your DP needs to sit them down and explain all that nicely so that they understand.

Jux · 03/03/2009 15:40

It's just some sort of Old People's Ritual they have to indulge in. The correct response is: wave hand airily and murmur "sometime maybe, got a lot on right now".

They can then play for ever with no expectations.

Original poster
ilovetochat · 03/03/2009 15:46

old peoples ritual, i like it
we never commit to anything but they tell these people they will ask us when we are free and will say are you free next wednesday and then try and plana visit for us. drives us mad.
dp has said in the past that we are busy and have lots of friends and things to do ourselves but they don't understand, think we are being funny.
they think their friends are our friends.
they are lonely, they're friends are lonely, but they forget we are not.
they also think if you are in the house then you are free, they don't understand when we say we are in but want a night on our own with dd.

OP posts:
LucyEllensmummy · 03/03/2009 15:50

Visiting!!! >

Sassybeast · 03/03/2009 16:02

Urrgh - visiting old people with small priceless ornaments and tea in china cups with small children in tow - double shudder.
YANBU

zanz1bar · 03/03/2009 16:02

sounds like my parents. what shocks me is when i do bump into some complete stranger who knows my entire life history including blow by blow account of c-section, and i am sure my mothers friend from works second cousin doesn't want me to know all the details of her divorce.

Original poster
ilovetochat · 03/03/2009 17:41

god yeah, everyone knows everything about us and dd and we dont even know them. tbh i'm not even keen on them showing these friends dd photos and she has even let some keep pictures of her but i have been told im being precious over that before.
dd at OLs house is no fun for us as she cant be let loose so dd at other old peoples houses would be even worse.

OP posts:
OhBling · 03/03/2009 17:53

Oh my word, this is worse than my MIL who organises things for us and doesn't tell us ... eg books a romantic dinner for us over valentines day but doesn't bother to ask us what we had planned! But at least she accepts when we say no!

2pt4kids · 03/03/2009 17:55

Could the out laws take DD on a tour of the oldies one Sunday while you and DH have a day together doing something else?

notsoclever · 03/03/2009 18:01

Ooh yes,

and it even extends to my dd (age 16) who has to go to meet MIL's friend's daughter (also 16). DD says "I'm too old to go on play dates!"

screamingabdab · 03/03/2009 18:05

"they are lonely, their friends are lonely, but they forget we are not"

Well lucky you !
Some old people would like to be engaged with wider society, including children. Perhaps they remember their child-rearing years fondly.
I am not saying that you should go and visit people you don't want to, but what is the harm in them hearing about you?
Your ILs will get the message eventually if you are non-committal.
I am finding the lack of compassion in some of these posts a bit upsetting. We will all be old ourselves one day.

screamingabdab · 03/03/2009 18:06

Good compromise *2pt4kids"

Original poster
ilovetochat · 03/03/2009 18:13

2pt4kids - in an ideal world it sounds great but they are 71, forgetful, no sense of safety and can't lift dd due to health problems so no. ie they ask does dd need a carseat for short journeys or could we hold her. she is 19 months. obvioulsy in their day there were no carseats but they dont seem to learn.
screaminabdab - i have compassion, for my mom, my dad, all my aunt and uncles, dps mom and dad, dps aunts and uncles, infact all old people i know and care about. but our time isn't endless so no i dont intend to make time for people i have never met just cos the OLs have made friends with them.
I don't mind them hearing about dd but they then seem to think they know us and dd, infact i think its the OLs encouraging the situation saying we will have to get them to come and visit you.

OP posts:
screamingabdab · 03/03/2009 18:21

Ilovetochat. I did not say you should make time for them, only that you understand why they might be interested in you.

Perhaps it makes the OLs feel important to talk about you? but of course YANBU to not want anyone else to arrange your life for you.

Original poster
ilovetochat · 03/03/2009 18:28

OLs do love dd and love talking about her which is nice that they are proud of her. i know they would love more time with her and to come away with us etc but its not practical and not fair on dd.
they pestered me to come on a walk with me and dd so i got dd in her coat, shoes, hat, gloves, reins and off we all set. we got to the end of the road and MOL wants to go back as she is tired and cold. fair enough she probably was ut dd wasn't tired or cold as we wrapped up and she can walk quite far. so we all had to come back with dd crying to walk more and then sit in the house drinking tea. they think we have had a lovely day out but dd is bored and i''m annoyed.
i guess i'm not that tolerant.

OP posts:
screamingabdab · 03/03/2009 18:31

Oh BTW I was not intending to be preachy just to you OP

It's just I work for an older people's charity and I am annoyed by the fact that it's apparently OK to make assumptions about old people that it would not be acceptable to make about other groups in society.

Yes, lots of old people do have china tea cups and ornaments, but that doesn't mean they wouldn't enjoy a visit from a small child, or would disaprove of a child. In fact there are projects going on where people take their toddlers to visit people in residential homes, with benifits to both sides.

Sermon over!

screamingabdab · 03/03/2009 18:36

Wrote my last post before i got your last one Iloveto chat. Went off on a bit of a tangent, sorry.

It's hard when the kids are little, dealing with everyone else's expectations

How old is DD?

FlorenceofArabia · 03/03/2009 19:40

"god yeah, everyone knows everything about us and dd and we dont even know them. tbh i'm not even keen on them showing these friends dd photos and she has even let some keep pictures of her but i have been told im being precious over that before"

Don't know about being precious - you sound downright ruddy weird

Original poster
ilovetochat · 03/03/2009 20:01

ok florence, thanks for that, so you are fine with photos of your kids being handed out to people you have never met, what a lovely bubble you live in.
screamingabdab, she is 19 months and its hard to find things that she and grandparents will enjoy, bet they love their time with her and i agree that the company of older people is very important for children. they are very tolerant of her and have no precious ornaments about, but they do leave sharp knives hanging out the drawers, bleach bottles on the floor, dog toys strewn everywhere along with lots of doghair and a big water bowl in the middle of the floor so as dd runs through the obstacle course one of us is constantly chasing her to make sure she is ok.

OP posts:
screamingabdab · 03/03/2009 20:16

That thing I said about "cups and ornaments was referring to Sassybeast's post by the way

compo · 03/03/2009 20:22

grandmothers like to show their friends pictures of their grandchildren
I don't know all my MIL's friends but I'm happy for you to show them photos of the dcs
She even shows her doctor

yes it is a bit wierd you don't like it tbh

compo · 03/03/2009 20:24

dh shows people photos of our kids too and I don't know all his friends and work colleagues, should I stop him doing that too?

floaty · 03/03/2009 20:30

I think the point is that she doesn't just show people photographs she gives them to people to keep.I wouldn't be happy with that either.

compo · 03/03/2009 20:31

wouldn't bother me at all
why does everything have to be sinister these days?
grandparents like to boast, it's not a new thing