to be annoyed with MIL for complaining constantly about something that hasn't happened yet...

[VerityClinch]

We live in London. My parents live in London (albeit right on the other side, not just 5 minutes up the road - takes them a good 2 hours to get to us). DH's parents live in Aberdeen.

MIL is complaining that she won't be able to spend "enough" time with her granddaughter (who won't be born for another 4 months). She has complained not just to us, but to my SIL and to her own mother, who has then complained to us too.

Now, I can see her point, up to a point. Yes, it will be harder for them to see my baby girl, because they live so far away. They will probably see her less than my parents will. I do accept that.

But that doesn't mean we won't make the effort to include them (I have, for example, been emailing her after every ante-natal appointment and scan, sending her the scan photos, showing her what we are buying for the nursery etc to try and make them feel more involved) does it? I really WANT my little girl to have a great relationship with both sets of her grandparents. Of course I do!

I am feeling p1ssed off because I feel like she's already decided, in advance of anything actually happening, that this is going to be an "issue" (this would not be the first time it had happened...). And, unfortunately, they are the type of PILs who - once they have decided there is an issue - won't ever get over it.

AIBU to be p1ssed off that - even before the baby is born - they have decided this is a problem?

And if IABU, then what can I do to put her mind at rest (other than promise they can come to stay once a month - they CAN'T)? It's the first grandchild for both sets of grandparents, so I know how excited they are - I just don't want this cloud of advance resentment hanging over the rest of my pregnancy.

Definitely counts as 4 days ( that's what I'm going to do anyway)

pregnancy and early motherhood is the one time you have the perfect excuse to do what you need to do to just, you know, get on with things, without people being allowed to think you unresaonable. If what you think you can cope with is arrive late Friday, leave early Monday, then go for it. And remember, it is DH's problem to explain/present this to MIL, not yours .

Sorry! I got an error message the first time!

But really, unless they are going to ignore the child after it's a month old they are just being daft. They have years to get to know their GCs.

That said, I am NOT looking forward to visitors after having my baby. Last time it was just me, baby and my mum.

Men don't really understand that our own mothers are much more important than theirs at times like this. Just because all men can communicate with each other at a similar level (I'm half kidding) doesn't mean that every woman wants to talk to every other woman about labour, babies, BFing and poo...

verity - hopefully you will have a short and easy labour, and an easy baby that likes eating and sleeping and doesn't scream. However, lots of us have difficult labours, or C sections, or lots of stitches, or problems with latching, or blocked milk ducts, or have babies with colic or... well, you get the idea. If any of these things happen to you, then it won't be the end of the world, and you will cope, but you will really need the support of your DH. Please don't squander the paternity leave on your ILs - you will never get it back again. I realise that that might sound a bit melodramatic, but I really mean it.

Have to agree with those saying defend the first two weeks with your life!

Let them come round and see the baby of course,or take her out for a walk round the park, but no staying then (book a B&B nearby)...for instance of you are planning to breastfeed, there will be a night or two when you are sobbing round the house at 3 am with your engorged boobs out declaring that this baby will starve to death before you let it at your bleeding nips again.

Some things no ILs need to see.

Alternatively, charitygirl, if they DO see that, then maybe they wouldn't be so keen to stay in the future?

I have already made the point that, even when baby is very little and sleeping in our room, I still need "their" so-called "spare" room to do the night feeds in, and, what do they want me to do, sit on the end of "their" bed and whop out a t1t and get on with it?

That is a rhetorical question anyway, since "their" bed is now in pieces and in the loft.

Obviously made that point to DH, not directly to them.

Right, then. Here's the plan. Those first 2 weeks are sacred to "just us three". They will have years to get to know their granddaughter. They can come for the afternoon in the first 2 weeks to see the baby, but they cannot stay overnight. Thereafter, they can come for a long weekend sometime after week 3. We will send photos and films on a regular basis. They will not be missing out on anything other than sleeplessness and a DIL with postnatal depression/mastitis/sore stitches/bleeding nipples/serious sense of humour failure about any or all of the above.

Fair?

You're being very fair.

Are you familiar with skype? It's basically video-conferencing using the internet, and it's free. You could get your in-laws and yourselves a web-cam and agree to chat for half an hour once every weekend, say. Then your MIL would 'see' the baby regularly. To be honest it's more fun with older children but it would be another way of you showing that you're making an effort.

Very fair in my opinion! Skype sounds good too.

I am sort of in your situation tho my ILs are much nearer, but still further than my parents. After the initial postnatal period, the key really is forward planning. You know how regularly you should see them so get the invites/offers to stay in early.

That way you can't be ambushed with plans at the wrong time. And everyone will think you are a wonderful DIL who goes the extra mile to bring together GPs and DD!

Which of course you are!

YANBU, the spare room thing and coming to stay straight after the baby is born , she sounds a bit selfish TBH. It sounds like you are doing everything to involve her and it would be logistically impossible for her to see you all every week (or however often she thinks is enough!), surely she must know that.
As others have said don't make any deals or arrangements or you will be a slave to them. We have a 7 month old DS and my DH's parents live 150 miles down the M6 from us and we see them when we can, they either come to us or us to them and we have met them half way a few times. They understand we are busy and TBH so are they and they are fine with it, we make a big fuss when they visit us and they do with us when we visit them and it works just fine.

I second Alarka. Once it's set up Skype is brilliant and grandparents get particularly misty eyed at being able to see the little darlings(speaking as one with all relations a plane ride away). Also the MIL won't get much of a conversation until baby is about 3 - it's mostly just heavy breathing down the phone until then!

Plus, it's hardly your fault they live so far away. Tell them to move south. What are you supposed to do exactly? Post the baby?

And yes. 'a DIL with postnatal depression/mastitis/sore stitches/bleeding nipples/serious sense of humour failure about any or all of the above' Sounds like me on day 14, which is when I completely lost it with my MIL. Still at least I had the hormones to blame

I second the 'guard first two weeks with your life' thing completely.

DH's parents live 200 miles away and proposed a visit for the last weekend of his paternity leave. I begged DH to put them off in tears, because I was so exhausted and shell-shocked and had to be put to bed every afternoon to howl for a bit and then sleep. Also I was really worried about DH going back to work and me being on my own all day.

(I was, I believe, especially slow to adjust to early motherhood; this isn't a forecast )

It was unfair of me in a way, because my mum had been round every two days or so. But I needed her as part of the support network and I didn't feel up to guests, which is what DH's parents are (they're not hands on GP at all, I wouldn't dream of asking them to do anything for DS).

In the end, they came one week later for two nights. That extra week made all the difference.

There was a thread not so long ago about someone's DH who wanted his entire family PRESENT AT THE BIRTH!!!!!
I'd be thankful with what you've got DH to agree to so far!

I also live in Aberdeen and my daughter lives in London. I do wonder how I will feel when she has babies, in fact her boyfriend is a twin and I dont know how she would cope is she had twins. I do sometimes think I would move down but I like where I live and dont know if my husband would move. I also have a son up here and it would feel as if I was abandoning him. We do fly down regularly but it is getting more and more expensive so I doubt your MIL would come down often. Its also a bit of a hassle. His parents are supportive and know they would be great GP's but does that mean they wouldn't know us as well so I know where she is coming from. At the end of the day the distance cant be helped and there probably is nothing you can do. I know they love coming up here and they know they are welcome any time.

I'm coming in late here & you have your YANBU consensus loud & clear already.

But to share anyway, both sets of parents live 450 miles & c 1200 miles away. This suits us down to the ground normally

After DD1's birth, we invited them all to visit one weekend (late Friday to late Sunday) on the condition that they found hotel rooms (i.e. not our 2 bed flat). We called it 'Grandparent Appreciation Weekend' & it worked a treat.

After DD2's birth, things were less coordinated but no-one was welcome until 2 weeks later at the earliest.

Those 2 weeks are the most wonderful, beautiful, peaceful, knackering, painful, messy & emotional of your life, particularly so the first time. Keep them for you three alone, it's worth it!

Hi, Adding to the YANBU vote.

I'm a DH and you really MUST keep the first 2 weeks clear. It's going to be great and it's going to be soooo tiring, but you need to just be you and the new little one and your DH.

You might be happy and up for guests, but here's the golden rule: they can come for an hour tops, they make their own tea and they bring food or undertake a chore. No exceptions. None. Nope. Not one. Oh, and anyone that says the house is untidy or your look tired gets shown the door.

Staying overnight? On your sofa? Not happening. I vetoed my dad visiting 5 days after DS2 arrived as the fleeting visit of my mum had knocked DW for six. He got over it.

To your other point (main one I guess) about you being 'too far' from them. Well, that's how it is. No one is really going to move house here are they. So MIL will just have to lump it and be positive about ways to be a happy part of her GC's life.

The thing she (and my mum) needs to realise, is that it's not actually about THEM. It's about the GCs.

Can I just add, that parent or both varieties don't always see that visitors create more work for you. What is of most use in the early weeks is someone who'll cook you all a meal or two (to freeze), put some washing on, run the hoover around etc. In fact what they tend to do is hold onto the baby (who may well be in need of a feed) while you run around making cups of tea and cooking.

You need to make sure in advance that they don't do this. I'd suggest that when you next speak to bot mothers that you say you're worried about how you'll cope with the housework, baby and visitors - this gives them the opportunity to offer their help. Hopefully.