Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To wonder why DP's family are still friends with his ex?

23 replies

MumOfBaby · 01/03/2009 13:02

She was texting him asking about me just after we got together, so obviously she cares. They were on and off for 6 years. We've been together 2 years and haven't split up once. We're getting married.

I have a love-hate relationship with his family. But his cousin has been making a huge effort with me lately, and being really friendly. She's a couple of years younger than me and we get on great. I also get on very well with her mum- DP's auntie- who I see a lot of.

When DP and I had been together a couple of months and I'd met his family, his ex went round to his auntie (who's like his surrogate mum)'s house. I was really uncomfortable about it all and DP wasn't happy at all.

All the family claim to hate her as she treated DP like dirt and cheated on him and broke his heart a lot of times. They were engaged and had a huge party when they got engaged.

When we got engaged, we had a little get together at DPs mum and I wasn't allowed to invite anyone other than my immediate family even though DPs mum invited people I didn't know and DP barely knew. Even his cousin was allowed to bring her friends.

Anyway, DP and I have a baby together and we're getting married this year.

The first time we went round dp'S mum's after I had the baby she waited until he walked out of the room and then said that his ex-fiance's mum had been asking about the baby and things like that.

I just added DP's cousin on my facebook and she's already got his ex fiance as one of her friends.

I can't see the need for them to be in contact if they 'hate her' like they tell me they do?

OP posts:

beanieb · 01/03/2009 13:07

Do they all say they hate her? has the cousin said she hates her?

It's possible that some of them did quite like her and that she became a part of their circle of friends. I think YABU to expect the whole of his family to cut her out of their lives if she was with him for that long and you're just going to have to grin and bear it. At least he isn't wanting to be friends with her.

skramble · 01/03/2009 13:10

You can't expect the whole family not to speak to her ever again.

my DP is still on very good terms with his exs family, has dinner there a lot and goes out with her brother for drinks.

Original poster

MumOfBaby · 01/03/2009 13:13

Yeah they all tell me they hate her- especially the cousin! She made a big deal of it and on her facebook she's telling her she misses her and stuff, and then commenting on pics of DP, me and DS and saying what a cute family we are! It's very 2 faced!

OP posts:

skramble · 01/03/2009 13:26

Sometimes 2 faced is another way of describing trying to keep everyone happy.

Tryharder · 01/03/2009 13:36

I think the keyword here is "on and off relationship". My DP was with his ex for many years - again - on and off - and I think in that sort of relationship, you get used to being able to split up, drift back together, split up, drift back together ad infinitum... There was tonnes of acrimony when I met DP and we had DS1 quite early on in our relationship and I think it put the ex's nose out of joint a bit. It sounds like that is what has happened here...

I agree with others though, you can't expect your DPs cousin to cut this woman out of her life just because she is no longer with your DP. I'd say relax about it. Your DP is with you now. So many women (and I include myself in this) waste time and energy fretting about exes and it's all pointless.

bubblagirl · 01/03/2009 13:40

in all honesty they may not hate her as much as they make out but would be horrible if they told you how nice she is etc and how well they get on still

maybe they just dont want you to feel second best as there not together anymore and would make you feel weird if they thought she was so great

the fact his with you now and he has no contact with her is what counts its up to them if they want to remain friends with her you shouldn't feel weird about it to have been friends with someone for 6 yrs is hard to cut off and i can see why they don't tell you as to be honest its none of your business who there friends with not meant horribly but maybe your slightly insecure about her but by the sounds of it you dont need to be she is not in his life any longer but still remains friends with family that sounds fine my ex isnt in my life but dont begrudge him speaking with my family they got on well

Original poster

MumOfBaby · 02/03/2009 10:29

I feel like I am 2nd best now though.

She's not a nice person at all, and DP is upset that his cousin has gone behind his back being all chatty with her, as DP and his cousin are practically like siblings and he thinks she's being disloyal and inapporporiate.

OP posts:

2rebecca · 02/03/2009 10:39

It sounds as though you and DP are being a bit control freaky about this. I would never expect by cousin to tell me who I can/can't talk to. You and DP are together now. What does it matter if some of his family sometimes talk to his ex? This affect you how exactly? Different if they invite her round when you are both there, that's just insensitive, but talking to her on facebook isn't doing you any harm. Stop trying to control other people and get on with your own lives.
If you boyfriend was in regular contact with her then I'd worry, although some couples cope with one of them being in regular contact with exes.

Original poster

MumOfBaby · 02/03/2009 10:47

Well my main concern is that DPs cousin looks after my DS a lot and I don't want DPs ex anywhere near our DS, so I'm just not going to let her mind him as it's just weird.

If that makes me a control freak (which I'll admit I am being a bit) then that's me, because I can't help but feel this way.

OP posts:

mm22bys · 02/03/2009 11:03

You can't control who your partner's family are friends with. If you're secure in the relationship you have with your DP, surely it matters not a jot?

YABU.

Original poster

MumOfBaby · 02/03/2009 11:19

But she always expects to get back with him because they always did before we met, and she says things like 'send him my love'. I don't mean to drip feed, but surely this would grate on any woman? Surely I am not that CRAZY??? ... I might be

OP posts:

littlelamb · 02/03/2009 11:25

Hmm a tough one but I think yab a little u. I have a dd with my ex so it's a little different but his family are on the whoe absolutely lovely to me and I do wonder how his new girlfriend feels about that. The thing is, we were friends for a long long time so I was already involved with his family before we were even together. I don't necessarily see why that should stop when you split up. But in my situation there is a child involved.

Gorionine · 02/03/2009 11:33

My brother was going at with a girl that was really fantastic. when they broke up, we stayed very friendly with her. he is now with another girl who is just a fab ( he has good taste!).

I think it is ok for his family to still have some sort of relation with your DP'ex, as long as they do not try to shove her into your face all the time. I do not think YABU or YANBU, if it makes you feel sad, bad, you have to talk to DP about it, at the end of the day he is marrying YOU, so he obviously cares enough.

nickschick · 02/03/2009 11:34

I think the key word here is ex you are making more of it than there really is -im sorry im not being cruel but if you let it get to you then if she is deliberately trying to get at you -shes winning!!.

nomoreamover · 02/03/2009 12:04

YANBU - I'd be very uncomfortable too

JumpingDizzy · 02/03/2009 12:10

I think you and dp should concentrate on your own family, that being both of you and little one

Try to not get involved in the tittle tattle. All sounds very childish to me.

Are you at all worried dp has feelings for her still? I don't know why you'd be bothered otherwise, she'd be just a person not a threat.

my dp and I are friends with both our ex's mostly because of kids but also because we spent a lot of years and memories with them.

I hope you can relax about this. I can't say if you're being unreasonable or not to be honest. It sounds like other people are putting wood on this fire although hope I'm wrong.

PistePrincess · 02/03/2009 12:11

you sounds very insecure and a little childish tbh. 'Hate' is a very strong word isn't it ? You are his partner now, nd you have a child together, chill out a bit

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 02/03/2009 12:18

There is no surer way to put people off you as the new partner than to be continually whining and fussing and trying to force other people not to socialise with someone they like simply because that person is your own partner's XP. It makes you look like aself-obsessed, demanding PITA. If you want your DP's entire family to spend all their time saying to the X, 'Oh MoB's such a moaning bitch, isn't she, she tried to tell us we're not allowed to speak to you' then youre going the right way about it.
Your DP is with you. Other people are allowed to choose their own friendships without your permission. Get over yourself.

Original poster

MumOfBaby · 02/03/2009 12:18

jumpingDizzy- He doesn't like her at all but she still has feelings for him and keepis telling his family how much she misses them. I've tried and tried to get in with his family as they're very important to him, but don't get on very well with his mum. I just feel like they're all wishing he'd married her instead. She's definately got an agenda as she didn't bother with them for over a year.

I am well aware this is my demons. But it's just how I feel.

OP posts:

JumpingDizzy · 02/03/2009 12:21

He's bound to say he doesn't like her though isn't he? Not wanting to feed your demons but he knows how insecure you are. Please try not to worry so much as this can escalate. Ignore the gossip and relax. Do you mix with many people in rl?

Original poster

MumOfBaby · 02/03/2009 12:26

Yeah got loads of friends each, and then we've got coupley friends together, so I don't know why this is bothering me. It's just 6 years is a long time, and I feel inadequate.

She actually pretended to try for a baby when she was still on the pill, cheated on him with at least 6 people, treated him like crap etc, so he really doesn't like her and I knew that when we met. But it bothers me that she used to have enough hold over him for him to keep going back. Don't get me wrong, he's slept with literally hundreds of people in his time, so it's not like she was some vixen and he was a virgin or anything. But we've never cheated on each other or anything like that, we're very together and we go on holiday with his family and things, so it feels weird.

That's it really. It just feels weird.

OP posts:

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 02/03/2009 12:34

THe only way to deal with this is to stop whinging and fussing, treat her with politeness when you encounter her, and refuse to rise if she makes any digs at you. Because, if she has got an Evil Agenda, the more you create and make demands on everyone else, the better she looks. If she is just keen to stay friends with people she has known and liked for a long time, then you complaining about her will just make you look unappealing.
The more you behave as though you do feel the way you want to feel (secure with your DP and politely indiffernet to her) the sooner you will start to feel that way.

Original poster

MumOfBaby · 02/03/2009 12:37

Solid- very good point. Firm but fair

OP posts:

Flip