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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I almost committed DH-icide today

26 replies

FrayedKnot · 28/02/2009 21:02

Recently DS (nearly 5) has made a friend who lives up the road, who is a year older.

Now this child is constantly outside our house wanting to DS to come out and play - after school and pretty much all weekend.

Well, for various reasons I have been trying to limit this to just occasional half hours here and there, and last week I had a long conversation with DH about why.

Not only do I want us to actually spend some time with DS ourselves, especially at weekends, rather than him racing out of the door every 5 minutes, I also have some issues with the language / behaviour I have seen so far. OTOH DS is so keen and desperate for a friend, it seems unkind to not allow him to play sometimes.

Anyway, I went out to the supermarket this afternoon, was looking forward to coming home for nice cuppa and a few minutes sitting down, only to find DS rampaging round house with said child, when I had TOLD DH I didn;t want him coming in to play unless it was a prearranged invitation.

Apparently the child said that his Dad wasn;t home and his Mum was going out to work, so could he come and play
Actually that wasn;t true, but the fact that DH fell for it...I was speechless.

I really nearly did kill DH. I still may.

He thinks I was "overreacting".

Am I BU, really?

OP posts:
BecauseImWorthIt · 28/02/2009 21:04

Yes, you are overreacting and YABU. Your son has a friend round, who arrived when you weren't there, so it wasn't like it was stopping you being with him. Why on earth shouldn't he have a friend round?

paolosgirl · 28/02/2009 21:08

Yes, I think YABU - but I know exactly where you are coming from. Sometimes you just don't want another child in the house, do you? The thing is, you were out when the child came round and therefore not actually spending time with your DS, and as you said, your DS does like spending time with his friend. As they get older they tend to want to spend more time with their peers, which I think is only natural. Just try and grin and bear it, and then set a time limit of a hour say, if you feel you want to see the back of the child.

travellingwilbury · 28/02/2009 21:09

I think YABU too . But then I like having other children round .

Why do you want to limit the time they spend together ?

HecatesTwopenceworth · 28/02/2009 21:10

erm, er, yes, no, dunno. Depends on the original decision. IF you talked about it and both agreed that you wanted to do things a certain way, then he went back on it, you'd have more reason to be pissed off than if you had told him what was to happen and he'd made his own mind up, iyswim. you and your husband are partners, you aren't the boss. he has equal right to make decisions. Look at your language. I told dh.. I didn't want...see what I mean? he's as much right to make a choice as you do. He made a different choice to you. Unless, like I say, he was going back on something you both agreed jointly (which isn't clear from your op) then I think, on balance, yab a bit u

Original poster
FrayedKnot · 28/02/2009 21:13

Interesting. Do your children have friends who come round and knock / call out to play all day long at weekends?

I find it intrusive.

I am cross with DH because I asked him NOT to invite this particular child into the house and he did.

OP posts:
Gorionine · 28/02/2009 21:14

I think Yabu for exactly the same reasons as BecauseIAmWorthIt.

Regarding the bad language, when you hear it, nothing is stopping you to kindly say that you do not accept this kind of language in your house/in front of Ds.

Original poster
FrayedKnot · 28/02/2009 21:19

Yes Gorionline I have said that to DS (about the language), but haven;t heard the other child use the language out loud.

I would say something like that though, if I did.

OP posts:
travellingwilbury · 28/02/2009 21:23

We do have one friend who will just knock and actually stays for hours but my boy will also go to her house too. I actually like it and think its a goos thing but any friend that does come here knows they have to abide by my rules so no bad language would be allowed here.

edam · 28/02/2009 21:23

I think you are BU to get so worked up about it. You weren't there, dh was in charge, he's allowed to make a decision all on his own, you know.

(And yes, ds does have friends who knock for him - I think it's lovely and to be encouraged especially these days when childrens' freedom to roam is so restricted. Although occasional irritating to have children tramping through the house or constantly in and out, it's worth it for ds.)

TooTicky · 28/02/2009 21:38

Oh FK I do understand. It can feel like a big issue, and setting precedents.
We used to live next door to four children who just walked in without knocking and it was a nightmare.
Perhaps you need to have set times when ds ia available to play, and definitely not other times.

paolosgirl · 28/02/2009 21:53

We live in a cul de sac, with all the children popping in and out of each others houses on a regular basis, which can be a pain if you want a quiet weekend. It's hard to limit the time if your child is happy playing with their friend, but as edam said, I'd rather that they were growing up with friends on tap in an environment where they knew their friends were welcome - at least for most of the time.

Original poster
FrayedKnot · 28/02/2009 22:02

It's not really the norm here, paolo's girl, and I must admit I was actaully quite keen on the idea to begin with.

I would love DS to have some friends in the street - there are several other children but none of them play outside.

I just didn;t want to get into a situation like the one TooT describes - I would prefer to invite other children in to play and DS to be invited, rather than just go in and out of each other's houses. At least until he is a bit older.

Is that odd?

OP posts:
Original poster
FrayedKnot · 28/02/2009 22:07

When I say invited, I mean that both sets of parents (one of us) and one of the other child's parents - agree beforehand?

Mainly because I think looking after a 5 year old is a responsibility - so I would want to know the other parents were happy with that, and that it was convenient.

It just seems so rude otherwise.

OP posts:
paolosgirl · 28/02/2009 22:07

It's not what I would want for my DC, but then I live in a different environment, and it would be odd for our situation, certainly. If you want to have children round to play by invitation only then of course that's fine - but perhaps another chat with DH might be a good idea to clarify what you both want? Please don't kill him - I'm sure he's not that bad!

TooTicky · 28/02/2009 22:08

it is to do with valuing your personal space as well...and time

paolosgirl · 28/02/2009 22:09

Sorry - cross posts. Yes, absoulutely agree that at 5 the parents need to agree that it's OK for the children to be at someone's house, as much from a safety point of view as anything.

thumbwitch · 28/02/2009 22:11

on principle I think YANBU - drives me bats when DH does something that I have previously asked/told him not to because it will have a bad effect on/be dangerous for/wind up DS in some way!

But in this particular instance you might be being a tad U because DHs tend to be a bit crap at spotting child-wiles, if you ask me.

Original poster
FrayedKnot · 28/02/2009 22:13

No, he is forgiven now, I think he didn;t realize that I felt strongly about it...

He probably does now

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 28/02/2009 22:16

FrayedKnot - I take it you 'explained' it to him again

Original poster
FrayedKnot · 28/02/2009 22:21

Last week DS and friend managed to break three milk bottles on our front door step and there was glass everyhwere, hence the need for a bit of supervision.

I also had to battle with DS to come inside and be sworn at in the process, each time he played outside last week, and then have to sit down and sort him out when he did come in because he was so tired and cross.

Hence my need for some boundaries.

Hence my red mist moment.

Right, anyway, I must go to bed, thank you for all your thoughts everyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
FrayedKnot · 28/02/2009 22:22

Yes chipping

OP posts:
FrannyandZooey · 28/02/2009 22:27

i think these things raise all sorts of issues about privacy, and boundaries, and respect, and niggly little things about our own homes and rules and manners that get us uptight
it's the kind of thing that really winds me up also fk
i think in the long run the fact that other children want to spend time with ds is the main thing
and him learning that other children might have different manners or way of speaking is also a good thing - not to be freaked out by this

but in the short term i understand this is tricky and you want to be protective and just keep things how they are
i would have a long chat with dh and tell him your worries - my dp doesn't get why i get so worked up about stuff either, and sometimes it's better that he is more laid back - it makes for a good partnership i think
you may find once you have thrashed it all out with dh that you don't actually care so much about the boy coming to play
OR you may find it is still a big thing to you, and you can let dh know this

FrannyandZooey · 28/02/2009 22:28

oh and about coming in - we had the same thing - a big scene and problems because he did not want to
we got to the point where we said if he did not come in within a reasonable time when we asked him to, then he was not allowed to play out the next day
this was very tough but did improve things in the end

edam · 28/02/2009 22:59

You are quite right about parents knowing where the children are - my ds is the same age as yours, Frayed, and I certainly check, when he goes to see if E & C or A want to play out, whether it's yes or no. Don't want him finding out they aren't in or aren't playing out and then wandering off on his own.

He was playing out with a little boy, A, the other week, and they both decided to come in and play in our house. I texted A's mum to let her know.

Ds has been given STRICT instructions to tell me if he's going into someone else's house after the time I went to look for him and couldn't find him. Real heart in mouth moment!

And yes, I have had some struggles getting him to come in, although we've worked on it. Like F&Z says, he knows if he is rude or disobedient or kicks up a fuss, he won't be playing out next day.

I just feel very strongly that it is so good for ds and the other small children to have some unsupervised play (as in, no parent hovering over them) and room to roam just a little bit (i.e. within our cul de sac, it's hardly Tom Sawyer). In the 70s, my mates and I were chucked out to play all day, only coming home for our tea, strolling over fields and splashing around in streams. Such a shame that 90 per cent of children today live such confined lives - I'm particularly pro-playing out but no way I'd let ds have quite the same amount of freedom that I did.

stuffitllama · 01/03/2009 05:37

Hi FK have just read your OP and a bit of the thread.

I don't think you are being unreasonable ..being in loco of a child not yet five is important and shouldn't be a casual or happenstance thing. They are not old enough to make arrangements between yourselves. Right up to my age children (between 9 and 13) I have contact with parents to make sure the other parents know from me that their child is at my house.

Things used to be different very different, doors never locked and so on but they have changed now. It just seems that some parents rely too much on the good hearts of others.

I think ds is old enough to be told though, that "playdates" (ghastly word) don't happen on the word of a child, and it's not enough for you and your dh to have that understanding.

I don't know about you and your dh but for if mine did that, it would indicate to me that dh hadn't taken me seriously, that he thought I was being a bit control freaky, and that my judgement at a delicate transition of starting independent play was being undermined. I would certainly address this most robustly .

When I lived in places where this was possible, we had a previous and mutual long standing arrangement with the other parents involved, two or three families, that if children came to play unannounced, they could be sent home immediately or at any time without prejudice. If any set of parents would be going out so the child couldn't go home there was ALWAYS a phone call and a plan. And that was when we liked the children.

Ideally one would talk to the other mother but it sounds like you are not on the same wavelength at all. Maybe not a talk but a "telling". That you tell her what the boundaries are in the brightest, smiliest way but don't waver.

Keep the boundaries as tight as you want them at first with the adults involved as well as ds -- you can relax next week or next month or next year but it is entirely manageable without denying your ds this friendship.

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