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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

ARE MY SIDE OF THE FAMILY BEING OUT OF ORDER OR ARE THEY?

20 replies

vanessa26 · 27/02/2009 13:05

My brothers misses got pregnant and wen they found out how many weeks she was it was 6 weeks which worked out to the week she had slept with my brother and 1 other guy (can doctors pin point exactly what day she became pregnant as im sure they can be 2 weeks in 2 weeks out)
They was trying to work things out and she had a beautiful baby boy, who we adore, but unfortunatly the question that he might not be the dad arouse and you could say was doing his head in.
They decided to call it a day, and its been arguments and stuff coz her mum hates my brother (her mum had nothing to do with her until she had the baby, and she lived at my mums and my mum supported her and helped her get an house)
She has always said she would do a DNA if he ever started having doubts.
This week she was going to go to my mums so my brother could see him and it seems since he told her he has the DNA testing kit (that got posted out to him, which he himself has to pay for, when he posts it off) Anyway since he told her he has a dna testing kit she has made it it difficult for him to get the swob, it has even got to the point her mum phoned my brother and threatened him.
I feel so livid but have to bite my tounge as he might end up being my nephew.
Does anyone have any info on situations like this please?

OP posts:

VTVTVT · 27/02/2009 13:12

Your right about having to bite your tongue

Its your db issue and you have to leave him and his ex to sort it out between themselves

Just be there to supoort him if he needs you

Melscorp · 27/02/2009 13:28

Yes, I think you have to sit this one out and just support your brother when he needs it. You can't take sides as it could backfire. This is strictly between your DB and his Ex.

Original poster

vanessa26 · 27/02/2009 13:29

but she keeps texting my mum telling her to sort her son out, makes me angry he only wants a dna, he is entitld to it

OP posts:

Melscorp · 27/02/2009 13:33

Yes, I understand, but your brother has to either put his foot down or sort it out.

I know you care about your family and probably want to find out if the child is your nephew, but only your brother can do something about this.

(There have been many times when I have wanted to defend/ act on behalf of my brother, but have had to bite my tongue because it was for the best). Sometimes that is all we sisters can do!!!

Original poster

vanessa26 · 27/02/2009 13:41

he has the dna its her stopping it happening, i told him to contact csa and he going today so hopefully they will sort out something, our family has done so much for her and she just being so difficult its so sad its turned out like this, she was a lovely girl

OP posts:

Original poster

vanessa26 · 27/02/2009 13:42

i meant to put he has the DNA testing kit sorry

OP posts:

mrsruffallo · 27/02/2009 13:49

It's a good idea to go through the CSA. I would also suggest that he gets legal advice and goes down that route.
It's awful when a family fall out, especially someone you felt you were close to but you have to move on and just be there for your brother.

CoteDAzur · 27/02/2009 13:49

Get a hair from his head and send it for DNA analysis. Or get it from his pillow, teddy, clothes, etc.

It has to be a hair with a follicle, though - i.e. pulled from the root, not cut.

Melscorp · 27/02/2009 13:51

I fully understand how frustrated you must be. Sometimes things get nasty and it is beyond our control.

Just be as supportive as you can and stay strong. If you were to get involved and your DB and his Ex reconcile, you will be the one left outside. You don't want that.

Original poster

vanessa26 · 27/02/2009 13:51

he doesnt get to see him, to do that, i wish he did, non of us do now.

OP posts:

fattiemumma · 27/02/2009 13:52

tell your brother to insist she contacts CSA. he can then inform them of his doubts and they will insist on a DNA test, funded by them.

themildmanneredjanitor · 27/02/2009 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Leo9 · 27/02/2009 13:52

She (and your brother) need to sort this out between them. It's absolutely nothing to do with your mum, her mum, or you. (Even if you have helped in the past, put her up, whatever)

If she/he texts or talks about it you and your mum simply need to reply that you can't get involved in the details but that you love them and will support them wholeheartedly.

Getting involved in any way will only be feeding and inflaming the situation.

If your brother isn't sure he's the boy's father then he's doing the right thing on your advice and going to the CSA. He could also consider getting some legal advice.

This poor little child is the one who is getting put at the bottom of all this. If you can all keep out of it and let you brother and this woman try to deal with it without things being whipped up and talked about all over the place things may well be calmer for them and easier for them to come to reasonable decisions as soon as possible so that the poor boy will know who his dad is.

Original poster

vanessa26 · 27/02/2009 15:33

I know full well my potential nephew is in the middle (i do have 2 kids of my own) and we do tell her we cannot get involved but she comes out with things.
She is the one putting him to the bottom and her and my brother was ok untill her mum started with threats. She even phoned him last night and told him when he goes to her daughters (bearing in ming her grandson is there) she is going to knock him out, he put down the phone and has not gone.
She knows how much we put her inside our family even sometimes siding with her if my brother was in the wrong (As she did live with us, it was hard to stay out wen she cried to us coz he went out with his friends instead of coming straight back from work)
I know full well my potential nephew is in the middle, this is why i have told my brother to stay away as his ex has said e can only come and get a swob if her mum is there (yet her mum has threatened to hit him in her house infront of the baby) its just such a mess and we all used to get on so well.
My brother is trying to be fair but her and her mum not be since the dna got mentioned.

OP posts:

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 27/02/2009 15:53

It's actually illegal to obtain dna without consent, in the case of a minor the person with parental responsibility has to allow it.

Tell him to call Jeremy Kyle

Leo9 · 27/02/2009 16:22

Ok, so I guess you know that she phoned him last night and threatened him because he told you? He is putting you in a very difficult position by sharing every twist and turn like this. He tells people, they have their opinions, he tells her what's been said, she gets angrier, she tells her mum, her mum texts one of you and makes threats, you get angry, you tell him, he tells her........do you see what I'm getting at ??!!!

I think you and your mum sound like you have been very supportive of both him and her in the past but you need to tell BOTH of them not to include you. they need to conduct themselves like adults and fight this battle between them and without involving their family, IMVHO!

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 27/02/2009 16:46

Sounds to me like she is worried he might not be the father and doesn't want this confirming.

If he goes to court, can he force testing to be done to establish paternity, esp if he is to pay child support? (I'm not sure how it works)

If all else fails, he could deny paternity and the CSA would have to sort it. She'd have no choice then.

Poor child.

oldraver · 27/02/2009 17:24

Re The CSA.. they can only get involved if she is asking him for child support or the info has been requested as she is on IS. He cant go to the CSA and demand a paternity test thats not how it works. His best bet is to go to a solicitor and ask for access then the issue of DNA may come up, but if she wants to be stubborn it will be along hard slog for him

JK may be a solution

Original poster

vanessa26 · 27/02/2009 17:57

Thank you for all the info. My brother has now been told by a solicitor to tell her to contact csa. I told him to put money away for his potential son and when it is confirmed then he has at least made an effort. He has tried his best and I think she wouldnt have been this way if she was 100% sure he was my brothers.
He is an adorable little boy, I really dont know why people can deny a kid the other parnt not fair at all

OP posts:

Original poster

vanessa26 · 27/02/2009 18:43

unless of course the other parent has done something that may put the kid in danger

OP posts:

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