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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think grandparents should take all children out?

58 replies

popperdoodles · 27/02/2009 08:21

It is my dh I suppose that feels more strongly about this than me. I can't decide , hence why asking the wisdom of mumsnet.

Boys have teacher training day today and dh parents asked if they could take them out for the day. Only they only intending on taking out our 9 and 6 year olds leaving our 2 year old with me. This is not a problem for me I am a cm so will carrying on as normal however dh thinks it's really unfair to leave 2 year old behind and I feel a bit uncomfortable that he has basicly told them they have to bring him too. 2 year old would be gutted as they all trotted off but would get over it.

What do you reakon is it reasonable to expect grandparents to take all of them or not at all?

By the way they are going to a wildlife park so 2 year old would LOVE it.

OP posts:
Khara · 27/02/2009 10:56

I think your PIL are brave taking the two. I have three (10, 7 & 4 YO) and my parents take them one at a time. They have never looked after all three except when my mum has baby-sat for a few hours in the evening when they've gone to bed. (They have to be in bed first, at least the younger two do.)

They did take the older two to Blackpool a few years ago but vowed never again because they ran them ragged. (Not naughty but just kids over-excitedness.) So now it's one at a time - although each dc will get a turn. (But my parents are quite old - mum late 60s, dad late 70s)

DH's mum is a widow and also late 70s - but fit & active. She lives 200+ miles away, so we only see her twice a year. When we visit, she never looks after the children even for us to nip out to the pub when they're in bed. She did very occasionally when we only had the one but not any more.

isittooearlyforgin · 27/02/2009 11:01

YANBU!! you have to look after 2 children all the time, i don't think it's too much to ask for a brief respite. There is two of them, one for each child. Now a days family support is much diminished for a lot of people, which makes it hard.When my in laws had dh and his brother they had support from both sets of parents and even went away on holiday without either child from quite young age so it seems unfair not to share the care!

expatinscotland · 27/02/2009 11:08

Don't want to look after 3 children all the time - and I do so myself so I know how hard it is - then don't have them or wait till you can afford help or chose a profession that pays you enough to afford hired help.

I don't even like to go out with all three of them at once, it's a PITA tbh, but to expect older people to do so just because they're your parents even though you chose to have them all is a bit rich, tbh.

Divineintervention · 27/02/2009 11:11

I think it will be lovely for the older two to have a fun day without having to consider the two year old and it will give your DH time to spend with the two yr old on his own, so he gets a treat too. It's a win win for me!!

Divineintervention · 27/02/2009 11:13

My parents (when in the country) often take my DD out (2.5) without her older brothers because they've got sports or a club of some sort... and they also take all three. They took my DSs (6 & 5 at the time) to a Pantomime without DD....... it's all fair.

drlove8 · 27/02/2009 11:13

if they are young grandparents (as in late 30's- 40's) i would be annoyed as they should still be fit enough for a toddler, if they were older (60+) then i would let it go and be more worried that the the kids are too much for them!.have they offered a day with the 2 yr old only? or is the little one always left out?.....

DandyLioness · 27/02/2009 11:19

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ladyjuliafish · 27/02/2009 11:22

Just because someone is fit enough they shouldn't be under an obligation to look after someone elses toddler, especially when there is not an immediate meed for childcare. It will be lovely for the older boys to have a nice day out without having to take into consideration the needs of a 2yo.

strictmumof3 · 27/02/2009 11:24

My parents quite often take my 2 older ones out and leave me holding the baby. I don't mind because it gives DS and DD a chance to do other stuff they can't do when they are all togehter.

pagwatch · 27/02/2009 11:25

Seriously very that some on here seem to think that Grandparents are obliged to do anything at all.
Where the hell does that little bit of entitlement come from.
Your children - your responsibility.
if you have lovely kind helpful grandparents who are prepared to lighten the load then think yourself very lucky.

If any of my children ever demanded that I take their children they would be contacting expats children to get the babysitting details.

Bloody Nora. Demanding respite from others. Unbelievable.

jumpingbeans · 27/02/2009 11:25

I defo don't feel under any obligation to take my grandchildren out for the day, we enjoy it

isittooearlyforgin · 27/02/2009 11:47

i am really surprised that it is considered unreasonable to expect some support from your family. I look after my sisters children and when my parents need care I will look after them too. I think that having no support is what drives peple over the edge and why increasingly more children are ending up in care and more depression etc.although I completely agree, your children, your responsibility, there is nothing wrong in receiving a bit of help from time to time. I really feel for anyone doing it all on their own.

qwertpoiuy · 27/02/2009 11:51

Your DH IBveryU. I have dcs aged 8,6 and 2, my MIL asks to take my older dcs from time to time- I'm always pleased for them to get time away from their little sister and MIL would find dc3 exhausting to look after. I have never ever questioned it as being unreasonable of her.
Your ILs should give their ds a good telling off!

pagwatch · 27/02/2009 11:54

well thanks for your sympathy isittooearlyforgin

OF COURSE it is fab for family to help each other. One ofthe most wonderful things. I really hope my children grow up wanting to help each other out. And i will be the kind of grandparent who has to be asked to sod off

But it is not an entitlement. And I thinkit is incredibly self centred to believe that another person - however muchthey love you - if obliged to help.
Help and support should be offered from a place of love and committment. Not demanded like a foot stamping toddler

unavailable · 27/02/2009 11:55

But the gps are helping isittooearly. Surely the fastest way to ensure that gps dont offer help is to make demands about how/when they do it.

In this case, as the baby would be at home with OP anyway, I dont see the problem with the gps just taking the older two.

Kimi · 27/02/2009 12:19

I think your DH is being very unreasonable.
A 2 year old is a lot more work then a 9 and 6 year old.

my mum has taken DS1 places without DS2 and visa versa. Thats normal

OrmIrian · 27/02/2009 12:22

He's being unreasonable. A 2yr old will cramp their style considerably. The older 2 will love being able to do 'grown-up' things. No matter how much older siblings might love little brothers they do get a little resentful sometimes at always having to do things at toddler pace, and at toddler ability.

Anyway I don't blame the GPs for not wanting the work and responsibility of a 2 yr old. Is he still in nappies? 2 children is more than enough.

mrsjammi · 27/02/2009 12:24

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2rebecca · 27/02/2009 12:24

I agree. 3 children is a handful for grandparents anyway and there is a big difference between a 2 year old and a 6 year old as if 2 year old present everything does have to revolve around them and older children often lose out on attention and doing older kid things as toddler gets bored and starts creating.
I think having a day alone with mummy could be put such that toddler thinks its a good idea so doesn't get upset.
Giving all or nothing ultimatums re the kids sounds unreasonable.

AccidentalMum · 27/02/2009 12:30

He is being very unreasonable IMO. There is a Shirley Hugues book about Granddad taking the older DD to the park and leaving litle DS with mum....all very jolly . I always see DD2's treat as extra attention from me.

duchesse · 27/02/2009 12:57

2 yr olds are much trickier than 6 and 9 yr olds. Maybe they also prefer to have one child apiece- maybe they didn't feel they could offer the right standard of safety to all the children if your little one went along too. I don't think you can force them to take them all at once. I'm sure that once your little one is older (and the others older still) they will begin to take them all.

Thunderduck · 27/02/2009 12:59

I agree with Pagwatch.

elliott · 27/02/2009 13:07

Gosh I can completely see where the gps are coming from - they thought 'the older boys have a day off school, we'll offer to take them out and that will mean that popperdoodles doesn't have to change her arrangements'.
a 2 year old is obviously more difficult and will make the day much harder for them, whereas it will probably be quite good fun for them seeing the older ones on their own.
I'm surprised you have even thought that its a problem. Lovely idea, what's not to like?

My older ds has often been to stay with gp and great aunt on his own - yes ds2 is jealous but he isn't old enough yet and I don't think they could cope with both. When he is old enough we might well have to let them go separately in turns. Its nice for siblings to have individual attention.

Original poster
popperdoodles · 27/02/2009 13:07

Thanks everyone for your opinions. Just to clarify, we did not ask for them to do a day out they offered and I didn't need childcare or anything. After thinking about it for longer I do think dh was being unreasonable to expect them to take 2 year old but I can see it from both sides. There are great variations in 2 year olds and ours is quite grown up for his age. Out of nappies, walks everywhere, can hold a conversation and would be very interested in the animals. Yes it will be harder work for them but I really don't think his presence will spoil it for any of them. On the other hand we have no right to expect them to do anything and it is also expensive to take children out as well.

Well they arrived to pick them up at 9.30 ish as planned. I took mil to one side and explained that I thought dh had pushed them into brining little one and that if they didn't want to they must say because I didn't mind and he would get over it and it would be an easier day without him. She said that it was fine and they wanted to bring him, didn't want him to be left out. Now I appreciate she is maybe only just saying that but was insistent that he should come too. So off they all went.

They are very involved gps and do see them really regularly. They have taken them all out before but have to say normally they just take the older 2. They often take them to things like cinema or swimming which I can't do because of cm extra little ones. I think dh genuinely thought our 2 year old would love this day out and didn't want him to miss out as it was possible to take him.

As I said they have all gone now but i will have a chat with dh tonight about putting his parents on the spot like that. Is it just my dh that reverts back to a child when they are around his parents?

OP posts:
isittooearlyforgin · 27/02/2009 17:29

pagwatch - i don't think that either my situation or popperdoodles is a footstamping tantrum - its more, certainly on my behalf, a privately held belief that i would like help from the grandparents. I certainly do not demand it and let them take the lead.

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