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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

to say MIL can't visit 1 week before due date?

23 replies

Gemzooks · 26/02/2009 11:36

had DS at 39 weeks, planning homebirth for DC2...

MIL coming from another country so would stay at least 3-4 days. Have said I'm fine with her coming before/after..

OP posts:

Tamarto · 26/02/2009 11:37

Why does she want to visit then? surely after the baby is here would be better?

Original poster

Gemzooks · 26/02/2009 11:39

cos we haven't seen her for ages, didn't see her at Christmas and she really wants to see my DS...

OP posts:

Splizzard · 26/02/2009 11:47

ahhh tell her to hold her bloody horses and let you get that baby out first!

I dont know what your MIL is like but the last thing I would have wanted at 39 weeks pregnant is MIL toddling around!

Just tell her to wait!

Sheeta · 26/02/2009 11:51

YANBU

Tamarto · 26/02/2009 11:53

2 or 3 weeks isn't going to make much of a difference if she's waited that long is it?

But if she really wants to come before then YANBU to say it has to be before 38/9 weeks.

Maybe she's hoping to be there for the birth?

Original poster

Gemzooks · 26/02/2009 12:22

she IS hoping to be there for the birth, that's my fear.. It's not that I"m prudish or whatever but if I was going to have someone else there (and it is a homebirth so whoever is there is really there iyswim) I would rather it was my own mum...

OP posts:

glitterstar88 · 26/02/2009 13:06

YANBU esp if she wants to be there for the birth! I didnt even want my own mum with me when i gave birth to my DC let alone MIL.

Iklboo · 26/02/2009 13:12

Whan I was having DS DH phoned FIL to let him know I was going in on the Saturday to be induced.
FIL announced 'right, well we'll come to the hospital at about 1 then with your nan & grandad to see the baby'
Me: Er, no you won't
FIL: Why, you'll have had it by then won't you. We're coming to see BILs anyway and I don't want to make two trips
Me: DH, tell him I don't give a f*ck if he has to make 42 trips he is NOT coming on the Sunday, especially not with your nan & grandad.

Thankfully DH put his foot down

It ended up I wasn't induced until almost midnight and didn't have DS until after 1pm on the Sunday

They cam the following week, but that's an entirely different nightmare story

Hawkmoth · 26/02/2009 13:16

I would like to have no visitors for three weeks either side of birth! Hmph.

AllYouNeedIsLoveAllegedly · 26/02/2009 13:18

YANBU. Just tell her straight - I don't want to be worrying about having to find you somewhere else to stay if I go into labour because I'll need my privacy for the birth.

Am just at anyone (especially a mother) who can put their own wants and needs ahead of the wishes of a heavily pregnant woman! Honestly!

tinseltot · 26/02/2009 16:54

YANBU.

The last weekend/few days before the birth should be a special time for you and your DH. You don't need anyone intruding on this time. The thing with MILS and FILS is that they are just people you happen to know. Its not like you've selected them as friends or (in most cases) have had a long and close personal relationship with them. You should not feel at all guilty about putting your wants and feelings before their demands. Put yourself and your wishes first!

Fairynufff · 26/02/2009 17:09

I hate MIL baiting but YANBU to stipulate who and when comes around during what I called my 'confinement' period. I pissed everyone off when I had my second by saying that I was so disturbed by everyone just landing on us the week after I had my first (a major shock to the system in itself) that no one could come round for the first 5 days to allow us a bit of personal time with the new baby. We know we put people's noses out of joint but these special times for you and your DH and DC1 don't come very often.

In advance congratulations and good luck!

tinseltot · 26/02/2009 17:24

Fairynuff - that is a really good idea re the ban on visitors for the first 5 days. I am doing that this time and am having a 7 day ban (my mum and dad being only exception, i don't mind sitting around half naked in front of them whilst trying to latch baby on). I don't care who i piss off! My body, my baby, my recovery. This is my mantra! . DP, bless him, is 100% supportive of my decision.

unpaidworker · 26/02/2009 17:54

I am having a week ban on any visitors too!
There is no way I would have anyone staying close to my DD.

FlorenceofArabia · 26/02/2009 17:57

If you're going to ban your MIL then you should, in fairness, ban your mum too. Or make an exception and let MIL visit as well as your mum. Both are your new baby's GPs.

poppy34 · 26/02/2009 18:02

this is all very interesting (And totally agree with sentiment of not wanting parents or pil around when you are about to/just had a baby) but what do people do when its no 2/3 etc baby in terms of finding someone to take care of older kids? I'm already weighing up fact that having a ban on visitors was bliss (and very necessary for sanity)when I ahd dd but I may not be able to do that with the next one as will need someone to care for dd..

unpaidworker · 26/02/2009 18:04

Poppy - A doula?

poppy34 · 26/02/2009 18:05

good idea - God knows why i didnt think of that...

Original poster

Gemzooks · 26/02/2009 19:26

thanks all. Am not banning mil or mum, it's only my mil who wants to come then, my mum has already said she'll come after the baby is there, based on when we feel ready..

OP posts:

Habbibu · 26/02/2009 19:33

Dunno, Florence - Gemzooks is worried that MIL wants to be there for the birth, and in that case it's not about grandparents, but about who the mother is comfortable with during the birth. I get on fine with my MIL, but wouldn't have her with me during birth, whereas I would have my mum.

Original poster

Gemzooks · 26/02/2009 19:36

just to add, we live abroad, both Mil and my mum live in the UK, so a visit entails a proper flight over and at least 3-4 days. anyway I've said to her now that she is welcome to come but has to leave by 19th, and just hope it doesn't come before then..

OP posts:

MrsTittleMouse · 26/02/2009 19:39

I agree with Habbibu - everyone seems to think that the birth is about the baby and therefore grandparents have equal rights and forgets that the birth is actually something that the mother has to do, and something that can take a lot of hard emotional and physical toil, and the mother should have things just the way that she wants, or risk her hormones going haywire resulting in a bad labour and delivery. Well, everyone in real life that is, not Mumsnet, obviously.

2rebecca · 26/02/2009 21:55

I would have said no. I really wouldn't have wanted visitors then and see visiting someone 39 weeks preg as very selfish. I'd have told her to wait a month, your other kid/s won't change much in a month and you can always send emails.
I do think that after birth having your mother stay is VERY different for most women to having MIL stay. Yes both are grandparents but immediate postnatal stays are more about looking after mum than looking after baby as mum looks after baby. Most women have a freer relationship with their own mums, feel more relaxed with them and things are less likely to be taken the wrong way at an emotional time.
My mum stayed for a fortnight after my first's birth. My inlaws just popped in for the day a couple of times (we didn't have many spare rooms). We then went and visited them for weekend when baby about 1 month.

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